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The Flyaway Lake

In my mouth the words are melting
From my lips the tones are gliding
From my tongue they wish to hasten
When my willing teeth are parted
When my ready mouth is opened
Songs of ancient wit and wisdom
Hasten from me not unwilling
Golden friend, and dearest brother,
Brother dear of mine in childhood
Come and sing with me the stories
Come and chant with me the legends,
Legends of the times forgotten
Since we now are here together
Come together from our roamings…
~ the Kalevala

Let me open the painted box of stories, and tell you of a lake that did not like where it was or who befouled it, and so flew to a better place.

In Estonia, a northern land on the Baltic Sea with many islands, there was a lake, called Eim Lake. It was surrounded by woods, and legend said that the bottom of this lake was covered with golden treasure. People who would rather fish for treasure than work for pay often went out in boats, dredging for gold. When their efforts did not pay off, they took to waylaying travelers in the nearby woods, and robbing them. Over time the woods around this lake developed an evil reputation; the forest became dark and overgrown, and weeds and reeds choked the edges of the lake. No crops grew by its shores, nor cattle or sheep drank its waters. Before long the bandits were doing more than simply robbing the anxious travelers who had no choice but to pass through the woods; before long the bandits were killing them, and dumping their bodies into the lake. Eim Lake grew foul, and under sunset skies it was a dull, blood red. Trash and litter from the bandit camp on the lakeshore drifted here and there in the stagnant water. Geese would not fly over, nor land there.

One night, as the bandits lay sleeping in their tents, there was a sloshing, sucking sound. The lake was gathering itself and all its fish, and was lifting itself up, as a lady lifts her long skirts from the mud. Up it rose from its muddy, stagnant bed, leaving behind the filth of rot and death. The clear waters with rejoicing fish gathered into the air like a cloud, scattering a few drops onto the bandit-tents. The one look-out, holding out his hand for rain, glanced up. But the dark sky was pierced with stars – only one dark shape obscured them, and it was moving swiftly away. The overpowering odor of decat drew his attention to the lake bed, which was now a stinking trough of mud. “The lake has flown away!” he cried. “Now we can hunt for treasure on foot!”

The bandits waited until morning, and then trudged across the sucking mudflats, captivated by the sight of rotting chests and boxes. But when they reached the treasure caskets what did they find but only frogs and salamanders and snakes and eels, which wriggled after them, biting wetly and squirming into their pockets.

Meanwhile, the lake was traveling, looking for a place to land. Below was a dry, parched land, and the people stood with prayerful eyes turned to the skies. “A raincloud!” cried one child. “No, not a cloud,” said his father in amazement. “A floating lake of clear water! Please, come to us, lake!”

“Will you tend to me, and keep my shores free of weeds, and make birds welcome?” called the voice of the lake.  “Make a place for me and I will dwell here.”

The people dug with everything they had, shovels, rakes, buckets, spoons, clearing away a clean bed for the lake. With the sound of steady rain, Eim Lake poured itself down into its new place. The grateful people tended the lake like a baby, and kept it clean, and built wooden docks and grazed their sheep there and let its waters nourish their crops. The land all around the lake became fruitful, and beautiful, and the people were filled to the rim with gratitude, as pouring water fills a cup.

This is an unusual story, isn’t it? It’s from the Kalevala, the ancient epic poem of Finland/Estonia. I’ve never before heard a story about a lake with opinions and made decisions, let alone got up and left, so this really caught my attention.  You can read it as a metaphor for relationship, and observe that it takes emotional courage to leave a person or a job that has become abusive, and then be willing to try again somewhere new.  But I also love that you can read this is a story about gratitude and good stewardship. Spiritual courage allows us to recognize and give thanks for all the natural gifts that make life possible and meaningful. May we have the courage to do our best at tending all our natural resources, lest they decide to fly away.

Courage Book Review – “I will stir up the waters of the old days and shape the long-ago then into now.”

BeowulfToday’s offering is a great retelling of Beowulf. This version is subtitled, A Hero’s Tale Retold, and was written and illustrated by James Rumford. What is particularly appealing about this retelling for kids is that Rumford tells the story using only words that have entered English from Anglo-Saxon roots. This gives the book something of the gristle and chewiness of the original poem. Words and phrases such as “fire-hearted” “locklike” “gold-shining” and “over the wide whale sea,” give this Beowulf real guts. Rumford acknowledges a debt of inspiration to Seamus Heaney’s masterful and muscular translation of Beowulf. The illustrations are full of writhing, serpentine forms and dark cross-hatching, making the art both dynamic and somber, much like the story itself.  It sounds wonderful read out loud.

But why, you might ask read this story to kids? What does a monster tale from more than a thousand years ago have for our kids today? Isn’t the super-hero with sword and shield a bit too retro in this information age?  Isn’t this just something English literature majors have to get through in college?

Certainly, this ancient predecessor to so many popular stories (did someone say Lord of the Rings?) is one of the gold standards for physical courage tales. In an age when smiting and smashing were regular activities, this sort of courage was highly prized; of course the heroism of physical courage would be celebrated with poems and sagas. Along with physical courage, Beowulf also upholds honor in repaying debts of service, and in protecting the people in his care; we may call this moral courage.

What may make this classic important to share with kids today is precisely its super-hero, almost one-dimensional physical courage. This foundational piece of English literature may have helped to shape cultural ideas of what courage is, what heroism is. Do we see intellectual courage here? Spiritual courage? Social or emotional courage? No. But can stereotypes offer us a lens for examining our own ideas and beliefs? Yes. Like metaphors, another literary tool, stereotypes allow us to grapple with complex ideas and make meaning of our own experience.

Beowulf: A Tale of Blood, Heat, and AshesAnother version for kids is Beowulf: A Tale of Blood, Heat, and Ashes, adapted by Nicky Raven. This is illustrated by one of the lead artists from the Lord of the Rings movies, John Howe. The writing lacks the Anglo-Saxon punch of Rumford’s telling, but the obvious visual debt of LOR to Beowulf demonstrated in the art makes it an interesting companion to the Rumford book. Share these two with your kids, and follow up with a conversation about physical courage, and whether that’s the only kind of courage that makes a hero.

You might also enjoy Heaney’s translation for yourself, which includes the original text opposite the translation.  Try reading it out loud for a vocal workout!  You can almost understand these chewy words if you hear them spoken.  Sit by a smoky fire in semi-darkness for the best effect!

A Spectrum of Attachment: Beth’s Story

Understanding attachment as the first step to ensuring our children develop the capacity for emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual, and moral courage has naturally got me thinking not only about my own experiences bonding with my babies, but also about other caregiver-infant pairs I know.  Take my dear friend Beth, for example, mother of four, marathon runner, and trained social worker.  She says, “Bonding with each of my children was vastly different.”  “Really?” I ask.

“With my first child,” Beth explains, “I was so young, so immature.  I didn’t know what I was doing.  I had an emergency C-section, little time to bond during the first few hours’ post-op, little support upon our homecoming, and she was colicky during a summer heat wave!  It was hard.  I still have regrets.” 

She continues, “My second child was way easier.  I had a successful vaginal birth.  My baby was so round and wonderfully calm and easy.  It was a cinch.” 

And then Will was born.  Dear, sweet Will.  Tears rim Beth’s eyes, as she recalls—with difficulty—the moments of his birth.  “As soon as he was born, he was whisked away and treated like an emergency.  I had no idea what was going on.  Neonatologists, geneticists, and all manner of specialists swarmed around him, plugging wires into him that blocked my access and ability to bond.  Needless to say, I knew it was serious, but I hadn’t even laid eyes on him yet.  And, when I sat in a wheelchair outside the nursery window later, I didn’t want to love him.  I couldn’t.  We were told he would never know us, never likely respond, and not live longer than a few years.” 
Will was born with a rare genetic condition called CdLS, Cornelia DeLonge Syndrome, named for the geneticist who first identified this devastating syndrome.  You can learn more about CdLS here
Beth and her husband disregarded the experts’ predictions and recommendations, took Will home and started calling around for help—anyone and everyone who was willing to offer advice, help, medical support.  I point out that the most common attribute shared amongst resilient people is their ability to create and reach out to community and get the necessary social support during tough times.  She is reminded of what most social workers and agency personnel told her when she called:  “You are the first person we know to be calling so early, and so often, in this process with your child.”   She wants me to know, “It was so scary and overwhelming bringing him home.  But somehow our love got us though.” 

It probably doesn’t need to be said, but Beth does note that with her fourth child, she never let her leave her arms. “It was a joke amongst the maternity ward nurses, ‘Are you going to let us see the baby at least once before you leave this hospital?’”

Beth’s life changed dramatically the day Will was born.  Today, she works tirelessly to raise money and awareness for the CdLS foundation and became a marathon runner for the explicit purpose of raising funds for the CdLS foundation, thus having the endurance to be the loving mama she is with all her children.  You can find out more about how to sponsor this important fundraising effort here

 

As Beth and I walk our dogs and sip our Starbucks lattes, I ask her how she thinks she managed to bond with Will.  “You know, it wasn’t until I could hold him in my arms.  As soon as he was finally placed in my arms, I looked down and said ‘Okay buddy, you win.  I love you’.  I couldn’t help loving him.”  It is all a bit of a blur for Beth, even today. Will is, remarkably, twenty years old now!  Beth knows they bonded because hers were the arms where Will relaxed and stopped crying.  Though he has never uttered her name, watching them give each other some loving is beautiful to behold.  She still hopes he gains comfort in her presence. It’s obvious what courage she’s gained in his.  It’s obvious that she is securely attached to this boy-man who plays piano, navigates darkened rooms through a kind of echolocation due to his blindness, has endured countless operations and emergency room visits, and managed this past year to attend his school prom. 

Beth and I conclude our discussion with two discoveries:  

First: it wasn’t until Will was in her arms and able to bond, that she could love him.  It is their family love that clearly contributes to Will’s continued survival. 

Second: that in our shining moments of courage we rarely give ourselves credit…we continue to compare our insides with others’ outsides.  We tend to find examples of people coping with the same pain or courage challenge, but dealing with it better.  We think of the exceptions and the exceptional—the Lance Armstrongs of the world. 

Why do we begrudge ourselves our most human, vulnerable moments and force ourselves to be better?  Perhaps it is those very shining examples of courage that encourage us all to be better.  If only we could let others inspire us with a little more compassion for ourselves, we might soon discover we are the true hero or heroine in our own story!

Sources:

Beckett, C., Maughan, B., Rutter, M., Castle, J., Colvert, E., Groothues, C., Kreppner, J., & Stevens, S., O’Connor, T., Sonuga-Barke, E. (2006). Do the effects of early severe deprivation on cognition persist into early adolescence? Findings from the English and Romanian adoptees study. Child Development, 77, (3), 696 – 711.
Southwick, S. M., Vythilingam, M., & Charney, D.S. (2005).  The psychobiology of depression and resilience to stress:  Implications for prevention and treatment. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 1, 255-291. doi: 10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.1.102803.143948

Win a book for your brave child!

Wise at Heart: Children and Adults Share Words of Wisdom

Thank you to Susan Raab of Raab Associates, who sent us a copy of this gorgeous book, Wise At Heart: Children and Adults Share Words of Wisdom, with contributions by Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Jane Goodall, Tom Hanks, Walter Cronkite, et al.  This is a beautiful book of photographs with inspiring and encouraging words from children and elders.  We love how it speaks so eloquently to the theme of this blog, and we’d love to pass it on to your family, school or library.
Who gets it?  Share your child’s lion painting with us!  We’ll put the painting on the site and send you the book, but we only have one copy, so it will have to go to the first person who sends us a scan or photo.  Please use the email link on the right side of the page where it says “Share your courage stories with us.”

Courage Challenge of the Day

Lion’s Whiskers offers this courage challenge: Is there someone you need to forgive?  Or that your child needs to forgive? 

Do an activity that may at least start you and/or your child in the right direction towards forgiveness.  For example, write the person a letter (with intention of sending it), send the person mental wishes for well-being, light a candle and ask for the strength to forgive, plant a flower in the person’s memory if he/she is no longer in your/your child’s life).

Now, it’s your turn.  What’s a true story from your life of forgiveness, or emotional courage, that we could all benefit from hearing?  What ritual do you suggest when needing to forgive?

The Path to Courage: Irena Gutowa’s Story

Coming up soon is Yom Hashoah, Holocaust Remembrance Day, so my post is dedicated to one of my own heroes, rescuer Irene Gut Opdyke. About twelve years ago, I had the honor of co-authoring the war memoir of this amazing woman. Irene (Irena Gutowa) was born in Poland, and was a teenager when World War II began. I won’t retell the entire journey here. Let me paraphrase it by saying that even though she had been separated from her family and was essentially without resources or any power, she saved many Jews from the Holocaust. She worked as a waitress and then a housekeeper, and hid Jews in the basement of her Nazi boss’s house and smuggled others from a nearby work camp to the forest.  When Poland was “rescued” by the Soviet Union she joined the Polish partisans. Eventually she emigrated to the U.S. and married, and lived the American Dream. For many years, that dream meant putting the war and all its horrors behind her. However, prompted by rumors that people thought the Holocaust was an exaggeration, she began telling her story. She spent the last fifteen years of her life tirelessly traveling the United States to speak about what she had witnessed. Her favorite audience was high school students, and they always adored her.
What drew me to her story in the first place was not just the drama, but her youth at the time of her story. As a writer for children and teens, I felt compelled to learn from her how a young person in her circumstances became a hero. “You must understand that I did not become a resistance fighter, a smuggler of Jews, a defier of the SS and the Nazis all at once. One’s first steps are always small: I had begun by hiding food under a fence,” was her reply.

The moral courage she demonstrated with each choice she made, step by step, beggars belief. Yet, she often indicated to me that doing nothing would have been harder than acting, even though her actions put her in constant danger.  Her path was always clear to her, even though it was incredibly perilous.  As I wrote the other day in my retelling of the Norse myth of Fenrir the wolf, doing the right thing often pushes us into danger, and physical courage must hold hands with moral courage.
So how does it work? What kind of childhood did she have that she could show such courage when the crisis came? What were the steps that made this her path? 
This was what I tried to tease out during our interviews with so many questions about what her life was like before the war.   What opportunities did her parents provide for her to learn courage? What example did they set themselves? The answer may surprise you. Or maybe not. The lesson that her parents offered to her again and again was compassion in action. Irena and her sisters were raised to offer help to anyone less fortunate than themselves. The social, emotional, spiritual and moral courage her parents showed by taking food to the sick, rescuing wounded animals, inviting lonely neighbors to dinner, or advocating for better treatment of outcasts were exemplary. They never looked away when they saw pain or need.
On top of that, Irene had an extremely loving family. She spoke constantly of how much she loved her mother and father and how much she admired them and wanted to honor them, and of how close her relationship to her four sisters was. If Lisa is right, we have in Irene an example of how secure attachment may well have helped to lay the foundations of courage. Ironically, it was because she was separated from her family during the war that Irene said she was able to act as she did. Putting her family at risk might have held her back. Putting herself at risk never did.
So her first choices, her first steps on this heroic path, were natural ones when you look at  her childhood as the starting point. Had there been any anticipation that such a crisis was looming? No, not to her family of educated, middle class Poles who lived with a comforting assumption of “civilization.” But the foundation for courage had been laid, and when the crisis did come Irene made her first small choice in response, and took her first small step of witness and rescue. Then the second choice, the second step, was obvious, and the third and so on, until she was doing what many people can’t imagine doing.  As the saying goes, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  We rarely can imagine ourselves at the end of the journey, but we can imagine ourselves taking one step. 
We cannot know what the future will bring us, but of some things we can be certain: challenges will stand in our children’s way when we may not be able to protect them, despite our strongest parental impulses to shield them, as a tree shelters the birds among its branches. Some of those challenges will be outright crises, be they natural disasters or human ones. I am mindful that many of the readers of this blog are living through crisis right now – political,  medical, environmental or financial – and I am humbled to think they feel we have something to offer them. My prayer when my head hits the pillow each night is to protect my daughter from all harm. My vow when I rise each morning is to protect her by giving her the tools she needs to build courage, so that when I am not able to shelter her, she will have the kind of courage that Irene had.
Irene died several years ago. I hope that the tree planted in her honor in Israel lives for many many years, giving shade, being a support, providing shelter. She was a great hero.

Fenrir: Big, Bad Wolf

A few weeks ago I wrote about trickster tales, and the importance of reclaiming intellectual courage from the stigma of trickery. The tradition of the trickster is world wide, and many of the stories are very fun.

Some of them, not so much.  Fenrir the Wolf is like that.

The trickster figure may have been a way of explaining why a beautiful and bountiful world contains so many dangers and sorrows. Among the Norse people of Scandinavia, Loki was blamed for some very grim events, including the Death of Baldur (which I will retell in an upcoming post). On top of that, Loki also fathered three monstrous children with the giantess, Angrboda: a horrible serpent, the grim daughter Hel (consigned to underworld, and giving us the word Hell), and the dread wolf, Fenrir. Prophecy told the gods that Fenrir would swallow the sun at world’s end, destroy all creation and kill Odin. Bad wolf. Very bad wolf.

Because of this prophecy, the gods decided they would have to restrain Fenrir, but it was no easy task. He had the cunning of his father, and the strength and size of his mother. The gods played to his vanity, daring him to break an iron chain. He did it. Increasingly nervous, the gods tried a stronger chain, which Fenrir also broke. At last, they resorted to asking for help from the magical people underground, the dwarves, who fashioned a silken ribbon with enchantments to keep it from snapping. The gods offered Fenrir the chance to prove his strength once again by allowing them to tie him in this ribbon. Sensing a trick, Fenrir said he would allow himself to be tied, on the condition that one of them put his hand into his mouth.

Only Tyr, god of justice and right action, stepped forward to offer his arm as hostage. The wolf was tied with the spellbound rope, which tightened more each time he struggled. And each time he struggled, he bit down harder on Tyr’s hand, until at least he bit it off. The wolf was securely bound and imprisoned for all time.

My daughter and her classmates heard this story last year in school, and I told it to K. and two of her friends again a few days ago. “Was Tyr brave?” I asked. One of the girls said, “But he had to do it, it was his turn to do something difficult, so he had no choice.”

“Does that mean a soldier who is ordered to do something dangerous is not brave?” I asked.

“He could have said no,” K. said. “He did have a choice. Tyr was brave.”

Tyr was brave because he did the right thing, the girls concluded. He volunteered for something that had to be done for the safety of the whole world, even though it was really dangerous for himself. Moral action often comes at the expense of physical safety, or even life. It seems that the kind of moral courage we have seen in civil rights and justice struggles around the world frequently requires physical courage as a partner. To do the right thing, the moral thing, even if it puts us in physical danger, inspires awe and admiration. We always have a choice, even if all our options are against our nature or if the choice is made with little conscious deliberation. This is why acts of moral courage or right action inspire us, because we are seeing people choose a righteous path in spite of the danger. When we witness peaceful protesters being beaten or attacked but not fighting back, we see the courage of a god.  This is why we also share true stories from history with children – so they can see that the six types of courage also dwell in the real world, and are not only the stuff of legend.

Courage Book Review – Speaking of Courage

Today we offer some books you might share with your kids.

CourageFirst, because Lion’s Whiskers is about courage, we have a simple, sweet and heart-felt picture book by author-illustrator, Bernard Waber,  Courage. In one-line sentences with accompanying illustrations, this book shows examples of all six types of courage, from the “awesome kinds” to the “everyday kinds.” “Courage is two candy bars and saving one for tomorrow,” is a great example of emotional courage activating self-control. “Courage is tasting the vegetable before making a face,” shows us the physical courage to try new foods. Social courage is clear in, “Courage is being the first to make up after an argument.” Every page offers something to inspire conversation about the big and little things that take courage in a child’s life. A must for every child’s courage collection.  Recommended for preschool and up.

Seven Brave WomenNext, for a slightly older audience, we have Seven Brave Women, by Betsy Hearne, illustrated by Bethanne Andersen. Why is history so often taught using wars as markers? Here, Hearne offers seven women who lived at the time of one war or another, “but she did not fight in it.” Instead, these women demonstrate the courage to immigrate, to raise a family on a lonely farm, to enter a male-dominated career, to pursue dreams, to practice compassion; the generations of the narrator’s family and the artifacts each woman left as a talisman of courage are sure to spark conversation. For early primary grades.

Amber Was Brave, Essie Was SmartOur final book recommendation today is, Amber Was Brave, Essie Was Smart, a story in poems and pictures by Vera Williams. Through poems, we learn that sisters Amber and Essie are on their own a bit too much, and have a bit too little to eat. Mother is working; Father is in prison. The emotional courage each inspires in the other is what helps them carry on, in spite of uncertainty. For readers up to 10 or 11.

Please be sure to tell us what your favorite children’s book with a courage theme is! 

WHAT Did Your Kid Just Say?

During my addiction studies in graduate school, I learned the Twelve Step acronym H.A.L.T. for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired—an acronym to remind someone dealing with addiction to tune into their feelings instead of numbing them through destructive habits.  I later adapted this acronym for my parenting education workshops as a helpful and useful checklist for decoding common cries, cranky or fussy behavior.  It is a vital tool of courage, and essential for our survival, to be able to decode our own and others cries for help!

As an aside, this checklist will be helpful the next time someone snarky stares at you in the supermarket when your child is pitching a fit on the cereal aisle floor and asks:  “You let your kid talk to you like that?”  Your confident reply can now be: “Well, it might not sound like it to you, but I am actually just decoding his cry for help!”
Dr. Lisa’s Parenting Tip:

HALT!  Stop what you’re doing, pay attention to your child’s cries for attention.
H is for Hungry? 
Often a child is indicating a desire for basic needs: hunger and thirst being the primary homeostatic functions to balance the body’s blood sugar levels, temperature, and osmoregulation (body fluid regulation through water content).  Maybe you, too, have a short fuse lit by hunger?  When was the last time you ate a healthy meal, or had a glass of water?  Caring for our children requires that we take good care of ourselves, too.  Running the marathon that is parenthood, requires that we stop at the rest stops, and refuel, so we can run the most important race of our lives and meet our children at the finish line with pride!
A is for Angry? 
What happened just before the angry outburst, what need might be buried underneath the outburst or incessant whining?  Whining can result from an unmet emotional need.   Is there a time of day, location, or some other kind of pattern to the whining? Often underneath mad, you will find the source is sad.  Getting soft, meeting your child at his/her level—literally getting on your knees—and saying something like “I’m noticing that whenever you don’t get X, you get really mad.  I’m wondering if you might actually also be feeling sad?”  Then, let them vent for a minute or two.  Being gentle, hearing the lion’s roar but not being intimidated, goes a long way to taming the lions within and without. 
L is for Lonely? 
Often a child is seeking proximity, desiring closeness and connection for comfort.  Trust that a few minutes of body-to-body connection, hand-holding, eye-to-eye listening, or just quiet presence with your child can sometimes fill up his/her tank to run for hours!
T is for Tired? 
How is your child’s sleep?  Is it time for a nap?  Is it possible he/she is preparing to fight a cold/flu bug that might be going around?  Sleep being the necessary restorative process for human survival—particularly during times of illness.  Or is he/she about to achieve a new developmental milestone, like learning to walk or dealing with his/her first break-up?  All the tasks associated with physical and emotional courage take lots of energy! 
Most pediatricians recommend the following daily sleep amounts:
Birth to 3 months : 16 hours
3 months to 1 year : 13 to 15 hours
1 year to 2 years : 13 hours
2 years to 5 years : 11 to 13 hours
5 years to 12 years : 9 to 10 hours
Adolescents : 8 to 9 hours
(Source:  http://www.livestrong.com/article/9356-healthy-sleeping-children/)