Monthly Archives: July 2011

Frogs’ Legs: Two Tales

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Two very short stories that illustrate internal vs. external locus of control, or Are you and Inny or an Outy?





Two frogs decided to go on a journey and see something of the world. Eventually they came to a farmyard, and while they were hopping across it, the farmer happened to set down a pail of new cream in their path. As they were both in mid-leap, they could not help but splash down into the bucket.

“Oh, help!” cried the first one, flapping at the slippery inside of the pail. “Oh, help, we can’t reach the top! What shall we do!? We shall surely die!”
The second one was busy kicking, although with nothing to push against but cream he could not leap up and out. He kept trying, however, while his partner wailed and moaned and flapped at the high smooth walls.
“We’ll never make it out of here,” moaned the first frog, and in despair, sank to the bottom of the bucket and drowned.
But the second frog didn’t stop kicking, kicking, kicking, and before long he had churned that cream into butter. Soon enough it was so hard that he could jump out of the pail and hop back to his pond.

Two old frogs were on their way to the swamp on the other side of the forest, when they fell into a very deep hole. A large group of tree toads happened to witness the accident, and they all gathered around the rim of the hole. “Oh dear, they’ll never get out,” one of them said. “It’s just way too high to jump,” and they began to repeat that over and over, as tree toads do. “They’ll never get out. They’ll never get out.”
Down in the hole, one of the frogs heard that and despaired, but the other frog kept jumping, and falling back, and jumping, and falling back, and jumping until finally he managed to grab the rim of the hole and scramble out.
“Wow, that was amazing,” the tree toads trilled as the frog began hopping away.
“Eh?” he said, looking around. “Whatcha say?”
“That was amazing!” the tree toads chorused again.
The frog shrugged. “Sorry, can’t hear you. I’m hard o’hearing.” And away he hopped.

Courage Book Review – Saints and Animals

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Last week I shared the legend of St. Francis and the Wolf of Gubbio.  Today, Lion’s Whiskers offers two books on the same theme.  On Lion’s Whiskers, we define spiritual courage as that which fortifies us as we ask questions about purpose and meaning. Today we review books about people who answered those questions for themselves, and had the courage to act accordingly.

Saints Among the AnimalsSaints Among the Animals, written by Cynthia Zarin and illustrated by Leonid Gore, is a beautifully simple book for independent readers, giving very short stories of some of the saints whose legends involve animals.  St. Francis and the Wolf of Gubbio is here, of course, but so are much lesser known saints.  There is Saint Werbuge, who patiently reasoned with a flock of geese that were destroying farm crops; we have Saint Canice, who used the antlers of a living stag as a book stand, Saint Colman, for whom a fly acted as a reliable living bookmark.  Ten saints make up the collection, offering a glimpse of a simpler time when people were still sorting out what it might mean to be Christian (perhaps a quest still ongoing?) and what embracing all living things might look like.  These are mostly gentle courage stories, about people with the courage to live as their consciences commanded, without heed for raised eyebrows among their fellow human beings.  That makes these stories of moral courage and social courage, as well as spiritual courage.  Read these stories on your own to retell to younger children on a nature walk, perhaps, or leave for your older reader to nibble on.  The writing is excellent, not didactic, and not in any way evangelizing.  It’s very fine.
Saint Francis Sings to Brother Sun: A Celebration of His Kinship with Nature“Sing praises to Sister Moon and the stars… sing praises to Brother Wind and to the air and the clouds…Sing praises to Sister Water…”  Part of a Mohawk blessing song in a Joseph Bruchac book maybe?   No, this is from the Canticle of Brother Sun, written by Saint Francis.   Saint Francis Sings to Brother Sun: A Celebration of His Kinship with Nature, by Karen Pandell with illustrations by Bijou Le Tord, is a truly exquisite book for young and old.  In large format with deceptively rustic pictures (they seem childishly simple, until you look closely) the book outlines the life of Francis of Assisi in brief vignettes, interspersed with verses of the canticle (which would make an awesome dinner blessing for a special occasion.)  What would that really be like, to give away everything as Saint Francis did?  To save no food for tomorrow but to give it to the birds and rely on providence for tomorrow?  In today’s possession-heavy world, it’s a challenge to imagine the wealthy and privileged young Francis taking a vow of poverty, and walking so carefully that he not harm a worm, or an ant, or even tread carelessly on spilled water.  In this we see echoes of the Buddha’s journey and practice.  Such complete reverence for all of life actually takes extraordinary courage.  You might be inspired to create a courage challenge for yourself and your family: spend a day doing no harm to any living thing.  What does it take? What will it cost you?  Do you need the courage of a saint?

Never Quit: Susan’s Story

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“No Matter What, Have Courage” ~  Elli Gloeckner

My husband introduced Susan and I four years ago when we had just moved to Upstate New York.  He randomly picked the hair salon she worked at on his drive home from work one day.  When he came home after Susan cut his hair, he said to me “I think I’ve found someone you’re going to become friends with here.”  We instantly connected, as per my husband’s prediction.  Little did I know at the time how inspirational Susan would become in my life as a beacon of hope, resiliency, strength and sheer willfulness to live life to the fullest no matter what the circumstances. My friend Susan, a mother of four, has a terminal illness and is the most determined person I know.  I’d like to share with you some of our interview about what she believes courage is and how she learned to become such a courageous person.

Image above: Susan, Summer 2011

This past summer, despite having survived cancer three times, Susan’s doctors gave her a series of devastating diagnoses and little hope of treatment.  She refused to be defined by her diagnosis, opting instead to say to those reacting in fear, shock, and/or withdrawal around her “I’m not dead yet!”  Instead, she plunged into doing her own research, found a doctor who listened to her and recognized her strength, built a chapel in her back garden in which to seek solace, and she continued to wake up every morning she could to help her kids get to school.  As she says, “I’m just doing common things in an uncommon situation.” 
Susan’s Sanctuary
When I ask Susan how she has become such a courageous survivor, she credits her parents for teaching her to never quit.  She says her mom was a fearless, big spirit in a tiny French woman’s body.  Her dad was a farmer turned successful businessman.  Both her parents had a strong work ethic which they instilled in Susan from a young age.  She also says that as a child she was well-loved.  She also credits the unconditional love of her husband as a great source of inspiration and support.  Susan defines courage as “being scared out of your mind, but doing it anyway.  Stepping into the black void, without anything under your feet, but trusting and having the faith to keep going.  You can’t have fear and faith at the same time. Faith is what holds you up, holds your hand, otherwise it wouldn’t take courage at all to crawl out of that fox hole.” 
Susan admits that some days “crap hits me and it sticks,” but she also acknowledges that she can change her thinking through focusing on her spiritual faith or on her children.  She believes that her children came to her in this Universe and that they are her primary responsibility.  She acknowledges that parenting “is the hardest job in the world, and none of us is very good at it after 8 p.m., but we can never slide on the responsibility.”  She apologizes to her kids when she makes mistakes and tells her kids “I’m sorry, God is still working on me.  I’m far from perfect.”  Then, she chooses not to dwell on the mistake, but to move on to the present moment.
She says, “I’m an ‘overcomer.’  The first thing you have to do is cultivate acceptance.  Dwell on nothing. Focus on living in the solution.”  She says there is really no “100% acceptance in having a terminal diagnosis and knowing that I will be leaving my kids behind is devastating.  But I choose not to quit. I’m not dying, I’m living!  I’m living because I do what I feel deep in my heart needs to be done.  Life is not easy.  Many things will come your way, so we all need to have courage.  I don’t get depressed because I look at what the feelings are and deal with them, whether it’s frustration, sadness or fear, instead of depressing the feelings.  It takes time to learn how to find serenity in calamity.  Since I have already died twice and have been resuscitated I’m not afraid of what is to come.  I’ve watched both my parents die, and I leaned into the discomfort not away from it.”
Every day, Susan is refinishing furniture, playing with her kids, or reaching out to friends who are healthy and not projecting their fear of her or their own death.  She isn’t able to work now, and things are very tight financially given all her medical expenses. She is tired and sometimes incapacitated these days, but chooses to be alive, to lighten up when she can, have fun, and makes sure to create something every day whether that be a song, a YouTube video, or a painting.  She has even recently launched her own hand-made purse business to try and make ends meet: PURSEnallyours.blog.com She reminds me, “No one is getting out of here alive.  Once you can overcome the fear of death, you can overcome anything.  And I have.  I have looked death in the eye and said ‘I’m not afraid of you.’  I trust that I’ll be ready, that I’ll be at peace.  I know now that I need to make the best of everyday.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know it’s all temporary.  We are all energy just waiting to change into something else.” 
Susan doesn’t see herself as extraordinary, but as “average.”  She states, “It’s simply a choice: Do I want to have a bad day or to be in joy? Joy is like an electrical current that no one can take away from you.  And I tell my kids, anyone can start the day over and make a different choice even if it’s 5 p.m.  I remind them to go help someone else, another human being who may be suffering more than you instead of staying in self-pity or self-seeking.” 
I’m grateful my husband chose to try a new hair salon four years ago.  Thank you Susan for inspiring me to be a better person and a braver mom! 

5-Minute Courage Workout: Say a Little Prayer for Me

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Compiled and written by Lisa and Jennifer:

Here’s a list of 5-Minute Courage Workouts by age range to improve spiritual fortitude.

 Grab Some Lion’s Whiskers Today!

  • Toddler: Wish upon a star tonight. Find a star with your child and make a wish, and then offer the observation that many other children around the world can see the same star.  Ask your child to imagine what that other child’s wish might be.  As your day is ending, another day is beginning halfway around the globe, but toddlers are toddlers everywhere.  The roots of empathy lie in our ability to imagine someone else’s experience. 
  • Preschooler: find a book such as Wish: Wishing Traditions Around the World or    Children Just Like Me: A Unique Celebration of Children Around the World  or Wake Up, World!: A Day in the Life of Children Around the World that shows children from all walks of life and every corner of the world engaged in daily and weekly routines that will be familiar to your child.  See how many points of similarity you and your child can find between your family and the families in the book.  Depending on how much information is available about the children in the book, this can open the conversation with your  child to wonder what might be important to that other child, what home life might be like, what holidays they celebrate, what a school day is like, what breakfast might be.
  • Early Elementary:  Do you remember “Roses and Thorns” from our workout on public speaking?  Consider the spiritual dimension of this dinner ritual.  Each person at the table can take turns saying what they were grateful for today, and what was challenging for them.  Introduce the possibility that everything can be part of our personal and spiritual development, and discuss what learning may be inherent in each rose and each thorn.
  • Upper Elementary or Tween: Chances are, by this age your child knows someone who has died.  Take a moment to reflect upon this loss – even if it’s only a pet.  This can open the discussion about what may happen to them or you in the event of unexpected death.  Share with your kids what will happen to them if you should die while they’re still young.  Consider telling them what your final wishes are, and why.  Your beliefs about death can inform your decisions about these practical matters.   Invite your kids to explore these ideas at their own pace.  Faith, hope and love can be protective mechanisms to help us deal with our core existential fear of our own mortality.
  • Teens: Has your teen experienced faith practices from around the world?  We here at Lion’s Whiskers have traveled and lived in many countries, and been exposed to a variety of religious rituals.  Here is a beautiful rendition of the Muslim call to prayer, here is a Buddhist monk chanting, here is a Jewish prayer,  here is a Gospel choir.  Share these with your teens and see where the conversation takes you.  Have they absorbed any negative subliminal or direct messages over the years through movies or on-line gaming that require some examination?  Spiritual courage doesn’t just require tolerance, it requires engaging with other religions in meaningful and thoughtful ways.  You may be surprised by how much exposure your teen has had already through school or extracurricular activities, and what you may be able to learn from them.

Working on these skills may call upon different types of courage, not just spiritual.  Review the Six Types of Courage to figure out which types your child might need to complete this workout.

Care to share what you’ve learned about religious tolerance with your kids?

If you’re looking for more workouts, here’s our 5-Minute Courage Workout: A Fate Worse Than Death , 5-Minute Courage Workout: Talking Dirty,  5-Minute Courage Workout: It’s a Dog Eat Dog World, 5-Minute Courage Workout: Home Alone,  5-Minute Courage Workout: A Fate Worse than Death, 5-Minute Courage Workout: Playing with Fire, 5-Minute Courage Workout: Navigating the Neighborhood

Board-Breaking

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My daughter and Lisa’s kids all take Tae Kwon Do, the martial arts practice of Korea. They are all just months away from earning their black belts, and I want to share one story from their long journey today. 
Part of their testing for rank promotion (the belt tests) is board-breaking. Actually breaking the board isn’t required, but trying is. Among the lower ranks, the first class in which they try board-breaking is scary or exciting, according to temperament. It is definitely possible to get hurt doing this; what is required is careful preparation and then decisive action. My daughter was extremely apprehensive the first time. The prospect of striking the wood clearly had her rattled, and she kept darting nervous glances my way where I sat in the parents’ section. As I recall, Lisa’s son was the first to raise his hand to give it a try. He took his fighting stance in front of the instructor who was holding the board, and then slammed it with a hammer fist. Crrrack! We all broke into spontaneous applause as the two halves went flying. Before long, Lisa’s daughter was waving her hand in the air to take her turn, but K. was shrinking visibly.  As an athletic performance with an audience,  this was a task that required both physical courage and social courage.
At last she could hang back no longer. Her turn inevitably came. She had been in this country for less than a year since her adoption from Ethiopia.  She was still as thin as a stick and her white uniform billowed around her small frame. Her teacher talked her through the steps; she looked my way; he encouraged her more, and coached her through a few warm-up swings. She then drew a deep breath and smashed the board in two with her little hand. “I did it!” she cried in amazement. “I did it!”
She sang the whole way home.
As they advance through the ranks, their breaking techniques are required to get more challenging, more complicated. Sometimes at a belt test K. tries and fails to break. Recently, a mom broke her arm at her own black belt test, a sober reminder of how dangerous incorrect technique can be. At K.’s most recent test she was again the last person to break, still hanging back until the end. But her two breaks were quick and decisive: first an upward knee-smash followed by a quick pivot to the second board and a palm-heel strike. 
Recognizing when it’s time to be the hero, and doing it even when you’re scared: that’s courage.

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St. Francis and the Wolf of Gubbio

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If you spend a day at the museum with lots of old paintings, one of the easiest saints for children to recognize in sculpture and painting is St. Francis. A gentle monk surrounded by forest creatures is a benevolent and appealing image, and I suspect it mirrors the secret longing of so many children – talking with animals. This story of Francis, like many traditional tales, features danger in the form of a ferocious wolf. 
Francis was staying for a time at the devout hill town of Gubbio, in Peruggia, whose high stone walls had protected it from its enemies for many generations. Yet now the people faced a different sort of enemy, a wolf dwelling among the high hills that had seized and devoured many sheep and cattle and even people. Townsfolk dared not venture outside the walls without arming themselves as if for battle. Every man, woman and child was filled with mortal terror of the wolf.

The good Francis felt compelled to help the people and deliver them from this threat, and went forth into the woods above the city to meet and tame the ferocious beast. Many in the town despaired of his return, but his faith was strong and he believed he would be protected. Sure enough, it wasn’t long before the snarling wolf approached him, ready to attack, but this holy man made the sign of the cross, which stopped the wolf’s advance.
Coming closer still, Francis spoke with the wolf, beseeching him in God’s name to leave the people of Gubbio alone, and promising in return that the people would not seek to destroy him but instead feed him and care for him. As a token of this pledge, Francis held out his hand, and the wolf put his paw into it as a sign of his agreement.
After this, Francis returned to Gubbio with the wolf walking meekly at his side, as tame as any dog. Francis promised the people of the town that the wolf had attacked out of hunger, and if they would feed him and treat him as a friend he would go in peace among them. Until the wolf’s death of old age it lived among the people of Gubbio, who fed him at their doorsteps and blessed him.
Without wishing to offend anyone who venerates Francis as a saint, I should say that I treat this story purely as a metaphor, rather than as a historical account. As such, I think it’s a good story about spiritual courage, as all the legends about saints are. Sometimes we do have to face terrifying wolves, and sometimes it is only our confidence in the rightness of our actions that will protect us from harm.

This is What’s True: Anya’s Story

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In the summer of 2009, my friend Anya’s* husband suddenly announced he was moving out.  After ten years of marriage and two children together, he quit after a few short months of couples counseling and moved into his own house.  When Anya’s husband departed, it was left to her to sit her two children down, ages 7 and 10, and tell them that daddy would no longer be living with them.  She chose to tell the truth, as she knew it, to buffer her children against future family changes and ensure that they would continue to approach her with any difficult questions and not harbor their grief. Anya mustered the kind of emotional and spiritual courage required to protect her children from the impending fallout.  She kept the information she shared with her children to the facts, reassuring their spoken fears, with this simple statement:  “This is what’s true: daddy has moved out and we are still a family.” 

 

Initially, Anya avoided telling people what was happening in her family.  Her children, too, struggled with whether or not  it was okay to tell.  It was just too sudden, the path forward too unclear, the truth of it all too painful to put into words.  The fact is despite our own or another’s desire to summarize our life’s circumstances into nice tidy boxes, our personal stories are much richer, rarely can be summarized in bite-size bits to appease another’s curiosity, and you want the listener to actually care before you share. 

However, not talking about what was happening in her life, as messy, complicated, and unknown as it was, proved far more isolating and difficult than risking sharing.  After a month or two, she decided that she would rely on the strength she found in open, honest, truthful discussions with her children and the friends and family that surround them.  She developed the social courage to tell extended family and school community members, risking their judgment and/or difficult questions, keeping her story simple and telling the truth as she understood it at the time.

During the five years previous, both Anya’s father and younger sister had died.  Anya admittedly isolated herself somewhat from her husband and children to better support her mother, younger sister, and herself in the wake of family grief.  Dealing with her grief through writing, exercise, and staying busy, she struggled with depression and realizes now the toll on her marriage.  Her sister’s suicide, in particular, was devastating and taught her that you just never really know what is going on in another person.  “Sometimes you need to force the doors of communication open,” she emphasized throughout our interview.   She admits that when people say “I can’t imagine that ever happening,” she wants to shake them by the shoulders and say “Wake up…anything can happen, and it does.” 
Over time, the children have asked for reassurance that they are still a family.  As young as they are, they worry they won’t be a family anymore as a result of the changes.  They all look around for models of families that look like them, who are okay and even thriving as a result of separation and divorce.  Part of what complicates this process for her is how few models she has for what other kind of family she can create out of this devastation.  She had longed to create the same kind of “intact” family her parents created for her. 
Grieving the loss of her own ideal family and making room for other possibilities to take root is all part of her healing process.  Patience with this process can be excruciating in moments, but in other moments she is hopeful and continues to draw plans for a “new normal,” a new future for her family.  Anya finds more of those families every day, whether it is friends at the kids’ school or celebrities like Demi Moore and Bruce Willis who chose the more amicable “spiritual divorce”  model (see Debbie Ford’s book, Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a catalyst for an extraordinary life, 2001). 
Ironically, Anya states, “Our family spends more time together and has more fun than we did before because we want to support the kids through our separation.” Her husband’s decision, it turns out, has been a wake up call for Anya.  She is no longer depressed, as she’s made a daily commitment to physical exercise, getting the support she needs, and by making connecting with her children her top priority again.  She has enrolled in a new program to advance her career, has had to “grow up financially” by getting a full-time job to support herself and her children, and is making more efforts to connect with her extended family—a necessary step to not only get the support she needs, but also necessary childcare. 
Even though, she says, “It is uncomfortable still, and the pain is not gone.  We have chosen to focus on the children as we figure out our next steps as a couple.”   They’ve also started counseling again to see if their marriage can be salvaged.  Her husband has now received some of his own counseling and is fully aware of the devastating impact of his impulsive decision to quit their marriage.  Making sure that the kids routines are nurturing, the changes carefully paced, and that open communication continues is essential in the transition process with children.  She has good days and bad, but mostly focuses on the fact that though she can’t control her husband’s thinking or feeling, she is responsible for her own.  With that insight has come a new sense of empowerment:  “It’s no longer up to just him to decide what happens in our marriage, but for us to figure this out together and decide what is best for us both.” 

Anya believes she has become a more resilient parent and hopes to model for her children how to have hope even in the toughest times in family life.  If you met Anya today you’d notice her smile, her love for her children, her enthusiasm for her new career, and her hope for the future.  She reminds us all, that even when life seems bleak, “Remarkably, you still wake up every morning. And then you know, you are meant to live another day, to move on, to learn.”  It turns out, “You don’t die from a broken heart,” Anya says.  Trusting that “this too shall pass” has strengthened her spiritual courage: her resolve, her faith, her willingness to tell the tough truths about her life, and her ability to move on with hope. 

Her advice to other families is to have the emotional courage to address the difficult stuff in family relationships early on.  Do the best you can during difficult times together.  Look honestly at your role in the crisis, and don’t ignore what is true in your relationship—even if it is tough to face.  Get counseling early on, if needed.  Don’t think the problems will just go away, or that the problems will solve themselves.  She cautions other couples, “If it was a problem on your second date and you didn’t solve it; it will likely be a problem after you have a child, too.  But by then the stakes will be much higher!”  
*I`ve changed my friend’s name to “Anya” to protect her privacy