Monthly Archives: April 2011

Right-Brain Workouts for Kids & Parents

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So, what do you do if your child is no longer a babe in arms?  How do you continue to nourish his/her brain’s right hemisphere, not to mention your own, to promote emotional intelligence and overall well-being?  In Western culture, we tend to overvalue and over-emphasize left hemispheric learning.  Therefore, to keep nurturing right hemispheric health and the connection between you and your child, I have adapted Jill Bolte Taylor’s (2006) and Rick Hanson’s (2009) recommendations for right-brain health.  A brain in balance increases the likelihood for physical, emotional, social, and mental health.

Dr. Lisa’s Parenting Tip:
Right-Brain Workouts for Kids & Parents:

v     Be present.  Notice when your mind is elsewhere, bring it back to the present moment.  Easy ways to become more present: sit down and put your feet up for five minutes, look around at your surroundings, gaze into your child’s eyes as he/she is speaking, notice your breath breathing you—in and out, in and out, in and out.  Straighten your posture to wake your body up. Do a few gentle neck or shoulder rolls.  Imagine you have roots growing from the bottom of your feet grounding you in this moment.  Ask your child to imagine strong roots extending through their feet deep into the ground. Now try to lift him/her or ask someone to try and lift you…you might be very surprised by the power of your mind! 

v     Touch.  Offer your child a manicure or pedicure, or ask for one.  Hold your child’s hand on a walk.  Massage each other’s feet at bedtime while telling one another about your day.  Snuggle your child in your left nook.  Offer a kiss!  Touching the lips stimulates the parasympathetic branch, the calming side, of the autonomic nervous system. 

v     Look for Beauty.  Fill your home with art, music, flowers, aroma therapy…anything that your eyes, ears, mouths love to feast on that fills your hearts with joy.

v     Eat, Drink, and Be Merry. Good nutrition is the foundation for brain health.  Try not to skip meals and become over-hungry—a big trigger for mood meltdowns.  Make dinner together.  Cook to your favorite music.  Decorate the table as if it is a special occasion, even if it’s just Meatball Monday or Tofu Tuesday. Make spaghetti and eat it with your hands.  What we eat results in positive or negative feelings and thoughts—it’s up to you.  Under your paediatrician/physician’s guidance, take a good multivitamin (complete with B vitamins) and an Omega-3 Fatty acid supplement. 
v     Play.  Find games or activities that fill you up and that your kids love, too.  The goal is to have fun, laugh…not to raise the bar even higher and feel like you’re not a good enough parent because you don’t play enough.  Scrabble’s not your thing, try bananagrams.  Puzzles make your head hurt, try jumping on the trampoline or bed. Play Pat-a-Cake or make up your own secret family handshake.
v     Be Creative.  Finger paint, draw each other’s body outline, make cookies and handle the dough with your hands, play music, make a collage of pictures and words that represent your goals and visualize your family’s future, dance, do a few yoga moves, knit, sing, hum—you don’t need to be an “artist” to be creative and inspire your kids’ creativity!

v     Get all the information FIRST.  I often remind myself and my kids to “get all the information first, before freaking out.”  Inevitably, when we are able to do so, we slow down our emotional reactivity significantly enough to be able to respond much more proactively, calmly, and accurately to the situation at hand. Remember, it only takes as little as 90 seconds to change your biochemistry response to any situation.  So, count to 90 and get all the information before making a decision. 
v     Start with “YES”, then move to “NO”.  This suggestion relates to getting all the information.  When stressed, we are apt to shut down our kids’ requests with an abrupt “No!” Instead, respond, “Yes, I hear you.  I need to think about your question.  Please ask me again in 5 mins. when I can give you a thoughtful answer.”  OR “Yes, I hear that you want to visit X, let’s look at the calendar to decide when the best time would be.”

v     Call a friend.  Listen more talk less.  Ask for help.  Feel your feelings.  Be brave and share what makes you feel vulnerable.  
v     Love.  Notice something you love about yourself. Notice something that you love about your child today.  Something that makes you feel especially proud of or appreciative about in him/her.  Heart-to-heart communication strengthens emotional intelligence skills like empathy and compassion.
v     Smell.  Close your eyes and breathe in the sweetness of your child’s smell.  Spritz yourself or your house with your favorite non-synthetic scents like lavender or rose, lemongrass or jasmine. 
v     Take a Bath.  Lie in silence under the water with your ears suspended in sound deprivation.  Or, fill the tub with bubbles and make bubble sculptures.

v     Take a walk in the woods.  There is no better place to feel present, to tune-up your tired senses, or connect with your child, than in nature.
v     Send a prayer. Think of someone you love.  Picture them in your mind’s eye.  Send them this prayer:
May you be safe.
May you be healthy.
May you be happy.
May you live with ease.

Sources:
Bolte Taylor, J. (2006). My stroke of insight:  A brain scientist’s personal journey. New York: Penguin Group.
Hanson, R. (2009). Buddha’s brain: The practical neuroscience of happiness, love & wisdom. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

I Can’t Do it. Yet.

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What is more heart-rending than the child’s lament, “I can’t do it!”? If ever there is a time that requires our encouragement, it is when our child wants to give up. “I can’t do it!” often heralds the start of the downward self-hate spiral of “I’m not smart/fast/good enough!” that pierces the parental heart even deeper. We see a smart, fast, good child who sees nothing of that in the mirror. This is emotional courage at low low tide.
My daughter arrived in this country at age 8 from Ethiopia. In her first year or two here, she dwelled in an almost constant state of frustration, confusion, and self-doubt. Having to function every waking hour in a new language creates all kinds of neurological mayhem for children with “subtractive bilingualism.” This means that when kids lose their first language (it happens very fast when it isn’t spoken in the home or at school), while still acquiring the new one, the act of forming thoughts and ideas becomes maddeningly difficult, like stumbling around in a dark room, groping for a light switch.

Often the only solace I could give her in those “I can’t do it!” moments was the word, “yet.” “You can’t do it yet, honey. But eventually you will be able to. I know it because I believe in you. You just need more time.”
When the tears were over, I would then remind her of how many new things she had already learned, of how well she was keeping up with classmates who had lived all their lives in English. I reminded her of how she had tried and tried and tried to whistle and finally, one day, had whistled. I would remind her how short a time, really, she had been here (although with so many major life changes, it seemed like decades). “Yet,” is a word of hope, of the future, of promise. “Yet” tells us that things will be different, and better, if we just keep going and don’t give up.
Part of what causes frustration and self-defeating feelings is an expectation of how long it should take to do or learn whatever it is – swimming, or memorizing the six-times-table, or doing a push-up, or tying a knot with a bow in a shoelace. How long it should take is exactly how long it does take. Of course children compare themselves to each other, and since some kids are sprinters, the kids who are long-distance runners question themselves. They fear that because they haven’t learned it yet, they won’t learn it ever.
What I have shared with K. is that I was a sprinter, but that it wasn’t necessarily a blessing. I was quick at everything in school, but because most schoolwork required little effort, I did not learn how to study! When I finally reached academic material that didn’t come easily, I failed. I thought I could hippity-hoppity-hop blithely along, but to my dismay, I found that that technique didn’t always work. I hadn’t acquired any long-distance endurance. Working hard at something that didn’t click right away, and putting in all that effort over time, turned out to be a real challenge for me and caused a lot of grief.
The Tortoise and the Hare is the story that validates the long-distance runners. At any point in the story, the tortoise could have quit, saying, “I’ll never get to the end of this race! What’s the point?” At any point in the story the tortoise could have looked at the hippity-hoppity hare running circles around him and given up, saying, “I’m not fast enough.” But that tortoise’s mom or dad must have used the word “yet” quite often, because I think what the tortoise was saying to himself as he soldiered on hour after hour was, “The race isn’t over yet.”
For myself, the running has mostly been metaphorical. I’ve never been much of an athlete, but a few years ago I decided I would set a goal of running a half-marathon in Lake Placid., New York It felt very incongruous for me to be out on training runs, running two or three, then six or seven or eight miles. This isn’t me, I would think. I don’t run! I kept at it, however, since I had agreed to run for a cause: to raise money for leukemia research. At the time, my sister’s father-in-law was battling leukemia, and on the race day I wrote his name, Alex, on the back of my shirt. Evidently, many people thought Alex was my name; eleven miles into the half-marathon (in Lake Placid? The Adirondack Mountains?) I was barely running, and I wanted more than anything to just give up and walk the rest of the way, but I kept telling myself, ‘not yet.’ Runners were passing me on their second loop (it was a combined marathon/half-marathon course.) “Come on, Alex, you can do it,” they said as they passed me. “Keep going, Alex. Stay strong.” “Looking good, Alex! Almost there!” So I thought about the real Alex, who had a much bigger challenge than this, and I kept running, up the last hill toward the old Olympic stadium. That’s what encouragement feels like.

Building up endurance takes time, and it takes courage to keep going. Next time it will be longer before K. feels like quitting, but I’ll be behind her, saying, “Not yet! You’re almost there!”

5-Minute Courage Workout: Home Alone

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Compiled and written by Lisa and Jennifer:

Independence doesn’t just happen overnight. Even if you don’t expect to leave your child home alone, or to be a latch-key kid, emergencies do happen and best-laid plans can go awry! So that you and your child are prepared and don’t feel like prisoners in your own home, you need to be able to leave and your child needs to be able to stay home alone when necessary. Your child needs to know what the ground rules are, how to stay safe and not burn down the house in your absence, and not to use his time alone downloading porn on your computer.

Here’s a 5-Minute Courage Workout by age range and your assessment of your child’s level of maturity. 

It needs to be said that there are only two states in the U.S. that have specific age-based “Home Alone” laws.  Other states have age recommendations—they vary from eight to twelve years-old—but for the most part U.S. parents are asked to take responsibility in assessing their child’s level of maturity.  Canada, on the other hand, is more specific and has a law that reads: Children under 12 years of age cannot be left at home alone or care for younger children. (That said, please read our reader’s comment below for more information and weblinks to Canada’s guidelines.  It appears that there is some discrepancy between provinces with the home alone age range between 10-12 years of age, please read this link for more information).

We hope that no matter which country you live in, which borough, county or province, that you are aware of the laws or customary practice with regards to leaving children home alone. 

Grab Some Lion’s Whiskers Today!
  • Toddler: once your child is mobile and more confident to be left alone for a moment, play a 5-minute game of “Hide and Seek”. Hide yourself in an easily accessible place and call your child to come find you, delight in their ability to find you and the pleasure that comes from being reunited. Then, teach your child to find a safe place to hide nearby and allowing for a few moments of suspense by counting to 10, go find them in their hiding place.  Make sure they know to call out if they want to be found before you actually find them; it’s an exercise in using their voice to be heard, to be powerful, and to be safe.
  • Preschooler: keep playing “Hide and Seek”.  Now you can add flashlights, secret nooks and crannies in the house, and a favorite teddy to join in the fun and offer comfort whilst waiting in secret hiding places for Mommy or Daddy to find them. Pretend to be stumped yourself, call out for hints about whether you are “hot” or “cold”—closer or father—from finding them. They will be reassured and tickled to hear you on a loving quest to reunite yourself with them. See if they can stay hidden for the full 5 minutes?! Now that your child has lots of practice with this game, you can remind them when you are in another room preparing a meal, for example, and they want you to join them in play that having time to play quietly on our own can be special just like “Hide and Seek”.  Make sure they have some activity to while away the time when you are busy.  Try not using TV or a video to distract them during this time.  Let them know that you will call them or find them once you are done doing your chore or done having your own quiet time. Leave them with a timer (start with 5 mins. and work your way up to 15) to know how close the sand is to finishing it’s journey or how soon the bell will ring. 
  • Early elementary student: begin the conversation about “When you are old enough to be on your own at home….” Independence should be something to look forward to, something earned, and to be proud of.  Now is the time to start short periods of separation.  For example, while you go down to the lobby to get the mail from the mail box, when you go downstairs to put on a load of laundry, or when you go down the block to borrow a cup of sugar (do people still do this? We hope so!) This is the stage you begin teaching “home alone ground rules”.  These will be different for every family depending on the context of your home and the personality of your child.  That said, we highly recommend spending 5 minutes reviewing how you want your child to handle phone calls and use the caller ID, knocks on the door, TV or computer access,  dial 911.  Depending on your family circumstances, there may be some specific “What if” scenarios you will want to rehearse with your child (e.g. leaving with another relative and/or non-custodial parent who happens to stop by). Post a list of emergency contacts and discuss approved snacks and activities to occupy themselves with in your absence.
  • Upper elementary student or ‘tween: by this age, children are likely comfortable being left for longer periods on their own when you run a short errand in the neighborhood, can stay on their own with a friend or older sibling, or at least can leave you to do your work, finish a phone call, or soak in the bath.  Hopefully, they are also beginning to ask for more time on their own; and to talk excitedly about when they will be old enough to hang with a friend when you go grocery shopping, to be on their own when you drop their sibling off at rowing practice, and eventually to spend an evening on their own when you go out on a date!  The next time you know you will need to leave your child on their own, time them in advance what day/time/how long you will be gone, remind them several times as the date gets closer.  Ask them to spend 5 minutes making a list of what chores or homework they can do while you are out, what favorite snacks/meal they may want, and what they will do that’s fun/special once they’ve completed the things on their list (e.g. watching a movie, playing a game, reading a book, listening to an audio book, calling/texting a friend).
  • High schooler or teen:  we can safely assume that your teen now has plenty of practice with being alone, but make sure he/she has time to themselves in the house on their own.  There is nothing quite as relaxing, freedom-granting, confidence-building, or trust-boosting as being given the keys to the castle!  Be sure to take 5 minutes to review who is allowed over while you are out, agree on a time you or they may call to check in if you are out late or overnight, what they need to do before they leave to go out in your absence, and how to lock up. 
Learning how to feel comfortable in one’s own company (and not just if you’re an introvert) is an essential life skill.  One day, your child will open the door to his/her own first apartment or basement suite; he will now own the keys to his castle, and you want that to be a moment he feels proud and not a moment he wants to run back home.  For example, asking some children to even imagine being left home alone might require emotional courage and for others social courage if a bunch of their friends want to join him/her as guests in his/her castle.  Review the Six Types of Courage to figure out which types your child needs to complete this workout.

Want more workouts? Here’s our  5-Minute Courage Workout: A Fate Worse Than Death (on public speaking)  How about our 5-Minute Courage Workout: It’s a Dog Eat Dog World! (on how to be safe around dogs.)  Does your child have trouble taking responsibility for accidents?  Try the 5-Minute  Courage Workout: Saying I’m Sorry.  Our most popular workout that gets shared and tweeted is our 5-Minute Courage Workout: Navigating the Neighborhood (teaching your child how to learn to find his or her way around.)  Try the 5-Minute Courage Workout: Talking Dirty if getting a dirty is a problem (for you or your child!)

What’s the Monster Under Your Bed?

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Lion’s Whiskers asks: What’s the monster under your bed?

Our children are not the only ones who fear monsters lurking under the bed, in the closet, or around a dark corner.  As parents we, too, can lose sleep worrying about our child’s well-being.  To see if you are in good company, here’s a recent survey conducted by babycenter.com with 2,400 respondents (click here for the full results and complete article) about parents’ TOP 5 FEARS and what you can do about them (I’ve cut and pasted the results with my own ad lib):

1. The Fear: I’m afraid my child won’t get the education and opportunities she needs to reach her potential.

What You Can Do: Child development experts agree that it’s not necessary to buy every educational toy that hits the market or fill each hour of your child’s day with enrichment activities. When it comes to helping your child reach her potential, it turns out that less is often more.  Your presence, your attention, your love, for example, provide the most potent education for your child!  It can take emotional and intellectual courage to weigh the choices involved in our choosing the best educational path for our child, especially if you are swimming against tide and home-schooling, enrolling in an alternative educational program, advocating for a learning disabled child, or deciding less is more in terms of extracurricular activities. 

2. The Fear: I’m afraid someone will hurt or attack my child.
What You Can Do: Stay attuned and continue to nurture a securely attached relationship with your child to ensure the channels of communication stay open, so that if anything does happen you will be the first to know.  Have the “strange behavior” talk…instead of provoking stranger-danger fear, role-play and discuss common scenarios and ways to trust your gut when meeting or crossing paths with strangers and/or familiar people who behave strangely that you may wish to keep at a distance.  While teaching your child to navigate the neighborhood, point out examples of  “strange behavior” and how to walk confidently around those types of situations or people that raise red flags in terms of your child’s safety.  Teach your child who and how to tell if they’ve been hurt…physically, emotionally, or sexually.  Remember, in the vast majority of cases with all types of child abuse, the perpetrator is someone known to the child.
3. The Fear: I’m afraid my child will be injured in an accident, like a car accident.
What You Can Do: Remember that medical trauma center statistics show that the vast number of accidental injuries are preventable.  Teach your child street smarts, how to drive safe, how to be safe around electrical appliances, jump on the trampoline only when it has netting and not in the dark with 10 other pals, and not to answer the cordless phone in the bath!  Building physical courage muscles can help prepare a child to cope with injury, develop the kind of flexibility to move quickly, and build the necessary confidence to recover from physical challenges.  Practice some of our 5-Minute Courage Workouts on how to navigate the neighborhood, play with fire, and stay home alone safely. 
4. The Fear: I’m afraid my child won’t fit in socially or will get picked on.
What You Can Do: Experts say that children who experience violence at home are more apt to bully others, so it’s important to never treat your child violently or allow others to do so.  Empower your child through physical courage building exercises like enrolling in self-defense or martial arts classes.  Teach them to be the kind of morally courageous bystander who does the right thing, and how to use some of the social courage muscles associated with humor/deflection/ assertion/friendship, etc. when targeted by a bully themselves. 
5. The Fear: I’m afraid my child will have weight problems such as obesity or anorexia.
What You Can Do: The good news is that you can help protect your child from the dangers of obesity. Nobody — not your child’s doctor, not her gym teacher, not the director of the school lunch program, not even your child herself — has as much control over what she eats and how she spends her time as you do.  When we feel healthy and happy with our own bodies, and speak about ourselves in self-accepting/self-loving ways, our children learn to feel and do the same.  When peers or the press seem to be exerting unusual or unkind body image pressure, move in and advocate, support, and strengthen your child’s self-esteem and emotional, social and physical courage through your parent-child connection. 
Now, let’s hear from you! What’s your monster’s name and how do you tame your fear?

Discourage/Encourage: What’s a Parent To Do?

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Copyright Brian Dunne, Dreamstime.com

It turns out that raising courageous kids has a lot to do with knowing when to push them to face a challenge that may evoke fear, and when to pull back (ease off on the pressure, regroup, and become better prepared) so they can learn to pace themselves as they develop the confidence to face life all on their own.  Or as Kenny Rogers is famous for singing, and in our house the all-time favorite song from my husband’s bedtime repertoire:  “You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.  Know when to walk away and know when to run.”

Dr. Lisa’s Parenting Tip:
THE PUSH-PULL FACTOR

Signs it’s time to PUSH:

*Your child asks for your help. Kids often have remarkable clarity about what they need.  We just need to be good listeners.  Sometimes, however, they don’t and/or there is a question behind their question.  For example,  “I need your help,” may in fact be “I don’t know what is expected? I need more information.” or “I don’t believe I can do it,” or “I don’t want to do this all by myself.” You might then ask, “Is there a question behind your question, like something more you need to know before doing this?”  Or, your could ask “How can I be most helpful?”  Help your child to tell you at least one way that you might be able to help push them towards success.  If they are stuck, then ask if you can offer some suggestions.  Sometimes asking for help is about a need for parent-child connection, compassion, and/or the vulnerability inherent with developing the courage to try new things. 

 *Decide if it’s important to you both. Maybe you’d like your daughter to rock climb, but it isn’t her   

  thing.  But, you believe learning an instrument is important for overall emotional and cognitive 
  development—even when the practices get dull and require big-time stick-to-itiveness and the occasional
  push to practice.  Differentiate between a dare and the genuine learning experience that courage
  challenges can provide. 
*Do they have all the necessary skills and capabilities? We can’t expect our kids to jump off the 
  diving board the first time they put on a swimsuit.  Your role as a parent is to be your child’s
  first teacher.  Take the time to teach your child, step-by-step, the necessary skills associated with the   
  task at hand.  You want your child to take responsibility with household chores, for example, walk them
  through how you expect them to do each chore, teach them to fold laundry or load the dishwasher, 
  before asking them to do it on their own.
*Practice makes perfect.  Rehearse and role-play with your child what it is you wish them to learn. The
  more mental practice—the more assured success.  Just ask any professional athlete trained in
  psychological skills training (PST):  a winner visualizes the race and the win before it happens (Weinberg
  & Gould, 1999).  
*Make sure the safety net is in place.  Soon, you won’t be around to catch every fall.  In fact, even if you are right there you may miss.  The research is clear, kids raised in bubble wrap aren’t equipped to handle life’s bumps and bruises.  But, you can ensure that your child knows how to ask for help and that he/she believes in his/her inherent worth—regardless of success or failure.  Self-confidence is the strongest net of all. 
*You’ve dipped your toes in the water a few times and now it’s time to dive.  The longer you wait; the more apprehension is bound to build.  Strike while the iron is hot.  Teach you child to pay close attention to their thinking and the signs in their body that signal readiness: “I can do this” thoughts, a fluttery heart combined with a conviction of purpose, a narrowing of the gaze on the goal in their mind’s eye, a feeling of excitement—even if it means reframing fear. (Based on the fact that excitement and anxiety trigger similar centers and neurotransmitter release in the brain and nervous system).

To summarize, let’s use the acronym: P.U.S.H.

P is for prepare for battle (make sure your child has the tools for success)
U is for understand the goal (make sure your child agrees the goal is important)
S is for safety net (make sure you have a back-up plan or a way to save face)
H is for hope (make sure your child is inspired and confident in his/her thinking)

Okay…Get Ready, Get Set, PUSH!

Signs it’s time to PULL back:
*Your kid asks you to back off.  It can’t be said enough: kids have a lot of clarity.  When we honor their boundaries and limit-setting, whilst empowering them to listen to themselves, we lend support to their natural impulse towards learning, curiosity, and openness to experience.

*Fear can’t be reframed as excitement.  Fear is a life-saving signal to play close attention when danger is present—whether real or imagined.  Flush out the monsters under the bed; listen to what they have to say about what’s really going on in your child’s head. If your child’s willingness to try new things suddenly or has never been very strong, you might even need help from a mental health professional in cases of clinically significant anxiety. 

*Figure out whose goal it is?  Do you feel incredible regret because you quit piano in grade school and now can’t play an instrument?  Are you channelling your unmet desires in life into a pint-size version of yourself?  What’s in it for your child?  If you keep meeting with resistance and both of you can’t answer this question, honestly, it might be time to find a different goal or courage challenge. 
*One or both of you believes the thought “I can’t do this.”  It’s time to deconstruct a few of those self-defeating thoughts first.  Instead of trying to fight your child’s fear or lack of self-confidence, take a different tact.  What we notice, we get more of.  Therefore, if we notice that they lack self-confidence and continue to focus on that lack, we will get more of it.  Try asking, “Do you need more information about what I’m asking you to do?  How can I help you break apart this task into smaller pieces, so it can feel more manageable?”  Remind yourself and your child, “For every problem there is a solution.  It’s just up to us to discover what that solution might be.” 

Play the “What if…?” game to generate possible solutions and help extinguish fear and restore mental and emotional calm.  You may be surprised by the insightful conclusion at the end of this game.

Parent:  “What if you try to skateboard and you fall off?” 
Child: “I might get hurt!” 
Parent: “What if you get hurt?” 
Child: “I’ll have to get you to find me a bandage or go to the doctor” 
Parent: “What if you have to wear a bandage or go to the doctor?” 
Child: “I might be embarrassed!” 
Parent:  “What if you are embarrassed?”
Child:  “I might get really red in the face.”
Parent:  “What if you get red in the face?”
Child:  “I’ll look funny and probably make you laugh.  And then I might laugh, too.  But, I guess that would mean I was okay again.”
            
 
To summarize, let’s use the acronym: P.U.L.L.
P is for provide (make sure you provide and rehearse the tools for success, gently pace the number of new challenges or experiences you are providing, and then provide the freedom of choice to do it on their own)
U is for understand (make sure you both understand that the strongest of all motivational pulls is intrinsic—motivation that comes from within, not from some external prize (Pink, 2009)).
L is for listen (make sure you listen closely to your child’s words, what he/she needs to succeed, and focus on his/her strengths)
L is for love (make sure you love your child even when he/she is scared, angry, or confused and pushes you away. Love your child enough to let go in the moments they need to do it “all by myself!”)
Okay, Ready? Set? No? PULL BACK—either yourself or your child!
Sources:
Pink, D. (2009). Drive: The surprising truth about what motivates us. NY: Riverhead Books.
Weingberg, R. & Gould, D. (1999). Foundations of sport and exercise psychology. (2nd ed.). Champaign, IL: Human Kinetics.

Bedtime Stories

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Lisa’s post about snuggling raises for me an image of the time-honored tradition of bedtime stories. We have the parent and child (or children) snuggled together with a book; consider how many things are going on in the scene:
1. Bonding and attachment, as Lisa has explained;
2. The beginnings of literacy, a child looking at words while the parent reads;
3. The transmission of culture (values, traditions, story themes, information) through the storybook being read;
4. An opening of the imagination and a call to empathize with another person or other people, i.e. the characters in the story;
5. Development of focus, attention, concentration and listening skills.
6.  You might also notice that the child is on her mother’s left side, a preference across cultures (and regardless of right-handedness or left-handedness) and even across species.  You can read more about  the significance of this for right-brain development in Lisa’s post about how we hold our babes.

There are probably lots of other things going on as well. It seems like stating the obvious that this (hopefully) nightly ritual is much much more than entertainment, ideally an experience that nourishes and encourages both child and parent. What I’d like to propose is that this rich moment can involve other kinds of stories than the ones found in the pages of a picture book. Don’t get me wrong – I make my living writing books for children. I would never suggest not using books at bedtime. What I am suggesting is that we can also expand our definition of what bedtime stories might be.
If you have photographs of family and friends, print them out and put them in an album – not an elaborate scrapbook, just a plain old snapshot book. Pictures of yourself as a child, pictures of grandparents who may be far away, pictures of people you used to know but haven’t seen in years – these are all springboards for life stories.

When you share a part of your life at this relaxed and open interlude between waking and sleeping, you give a piece of yourself to your child to carry into dreams. This is what’s called a liminal moment, a threshold between one state and another. Your child is truly on her way to another world, like a hero stepping into the fairy realm; this piece of yourself is like one of the talismans the hero carries to finish the quest.

One of the things these stories help with is the creation of identity, an understanding of where the child fits in the world. If your child has an answer for the question, “Where do I come from?” then the question of “Where do I return to?” is easier to answer (even though they aren’t always the same answer). Courage to leave home (both literally and figuratively) depends on the strength of this identity. Especially in uncertain times, it seems to me, when people are losing houses or relocating to find work, giving children a secure sense of family identity is essential.
My daughter, herself, has a little snapshot book. In it are a half-dozen pictures of her family in Ethiopia, including the most precious treasure of all, a photo of her birth mother. When we look at these pictures together she can share stories of her own with me, although even she admits it’s getting hard to tell which stories are memories and which ones are dreams. “Long ago and far away” is literally true for her, but whether they are true or dreams, they are part of who she is. The lion of Ethiopia is part of her identity, and will always be part of where she comes from, and part of what will give her courage.



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I HEART Snuggling!

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Something you need to know about me:  I’m a big fan of snuggling! Anything to put-off getting out of bed and delay the morning rush-to-school routine, especially on rainy mornings. Snuggling is one of the most important ways I have bonded with my children. And a secure parent-child bond you now know is highly correlated with being well-adjusted and being less likely to engage in risky behaviors.  Even more importantly, securely attached kids are more likely to possess emotional and social courage. 

Of course as my kids have grown, snuggling can now be as rare and special as spotting a shooting star across the night sky.  Hugging my now 5′ 10″ thirteen-year old is sometimes as awkward as hugging a wall.  And my fifth grade daughter announced to me after her first day of school, as I tucked her into bed: “Mom, you need to know that as a fifth grader I will not be snuggling with you much anymore.  Fifth graders just don’t do that.”
Which got me thinking: How do we continue to nurture the parent-child bond, and thus the courage necessary to love another human being, when snuggling ends? 

Knowing what I do about the importance of physical touch and affection to help us human beings stay connected, I still sneak in as many hugs as I can.  And, with resignation, I accept my kids’ need for more space at times and cherish those momentary hugs.  Each time my kids now eschew my embraces, I secretly want to clutch my chest and fall dramatically to the floor—mostly for the hopeful effect of changing their minds.  I can be kind of manipulative when it comes to getting my needs met.  Lucky for my kids, I’m a little more evolved than that. I also know all the important stuff about honoring our kids’ boundaries.  Eight years of psychology graduate school will drill good interpersonal boundaries, if nothing else, into you.  It’s very important that we take our kids lead when it comes to their need for physical space and privacy as they grow—even if it means you being the first to shut the bathroom door for privacy. 

Copyright Andres Rodriguez, Dreamstime.com

I’m relieved when I tell a friend that my snuggling days may be over, and she shares that her fourteen-year old daughter still crawls into bed on Saturday mornings to chat about her week.  I love seeing a very tall, and in my books very cool, college student wrap his/her arms lovingly around a parent walking down the street.  These snugly kids aren’t wallflowers in life.  They aren’t weak because they still want their parents’ arms around them.  On the contrary, securely attached children waltz into the world with confidence.  

The great thing about snuggling is that it calms the sympathetic branch of your autonomic nervous system–that ‘fight-or-flight’, ‘tend-or-befriend’ response system.  It can be snuggles with your kid or even the family pet (a highly worthwhile family investment for the ‘tween or teen years).  The sympathetic nervous system doesn’t differentiate skin from fur.   In fact, most positive social interactions involve that same calming hormone oxytocin that I’ve written about in previous posts.  I also notice that it is in those moments of calm presence with my kids, that they share the juiciest bits of wisdom. 
Let’s be clear, these days “snuggling” looks more like all of us piled into bed watching comedy on Wednesday nights.  Or me lying in bed reading, when my son collapses on my bed (after his supposed bedtime) to tell me about a funny YouTube clip or how many ergs he pulled at rowing practice.  I have to remember that these moments are in increasingly dwindling supply, so I put down my book and just listen. 

In some ways one of my primary “love languages” (physical touch), according to Dr. Chapman (1992), is now shifting to match my children’s desire for words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and/or receiving other gifts I have to offer (not just material goods!) Click here and you can take Dr. Chapman’s assessment to figure out your primary love language.  Dr. Chapman is a pastoral and marriage counselor who believes that we all have five common love languages to express our care and love, some of us favor one or more particular love expressions over others…you can decide if his work is useful to you after taking the assessment.

Fortunately for me, and I believe for my daughter, her decision to cut off snuggles only lasted about a week.  The first sign of social or homework distress at school, she was back in my arms to confide her troubles and share her successes.  And we’ve been reading books together again at bedtime, when we can, to make sure to have connect time at the end of the busy days. 

So, since snuggling’s back on…my girl crawls in beside me when I decide to have a quick nap yesterday.  She’s been feeling sick this week and particularly soft, open, and slightly vulnerable.  We relax into a kind of meditative state where we both access our most heartfelt questions and cares.  I ask her, “Do you think I’ve raised you to be courageous in life?”  (I know…it’s a loaded question now that she sees me writing a blog, researching, and coaching parents about nurturing courage in kids.) Fortunately, for me, she’s fiercely loyal and always tells the truth. “Yeah, mom, you have.  You don’t prevent me from trying new things because you are worried I might hurt myself.  You don’t fuss over us like that.  And you don’t push me too hard.  Like the way you’ve helped me with riding roller coasters.  You respect that I don’t like them, but keep offering me the chance to ride with you if I want to.  You let me make my own choice.  And because you do that, it makes me want to try new things.  It makes me trust myself.” 

So there you have it, the kernel of wisdom so integral to nurturing courage in our kids:  know when to push and when to step back. 

Keep offering up those hugs, your listening presence, and modeling the emotional and social courage it takes to be truly connected with family and friends…and know it’s a healthy sign of your kids’ own development when they feel safe enough to say “No”, “I need some space”, or “I’m not ready to try the roller coaster (or whatever the courage challenge may be) yet.”

Be sure to read my next post “Discourage/Encourage: What’s a Parent To Do?” for tips on how to know when it’s time to push your child towards facing a fear or conquering a courage challenge, and when to step back, regroup, and let them take the lead. 
Sources:
Uvnäs-Moberg (1998). Oxytocin may mediate the benefits of positive social interaction and emotions. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 23, (8), 819-835. doi:10.1016/S0306-4530(98)00056-0 
Cooper, M. L., Shaver, P., & Collins, N. Attachment styles, emotion regulation, and adjustment in adolescence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, (5), 1380-1397.