Lisa – Lion's Whiskers

The God (or mom) From the Machine

admin — Tue, 22 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

In my 25 years of writing books for children and teens, I’ve had my share of plot problems. Often, when a writer finds she has written her characters into a situation she can’t quite get them out of, she is tempted by (but must resist!) the deus ex machina solution. This literary term (literally “the god from the machine”) comes to us from ancient Greek drama, and refers to the device of lowering a statue of a god onto the stage to resolve a crisis. Evidently this was perfectly satisfactory to the ancient Greeks, but it is far from satisfactory for us today. When the hero or heroine of a drama gets bailed out of a tricky situation by some unforeseen and improbable stroke of luck, the reader is left feeling cheated. There was no clever resourcefulness, physical skill or moral courage at work to save the day, just a lousy old deus ex machina. “Oh come on, really?” the reader asks. “How convenient.”

When writing for children, with children as protagonists, this is especially difficult to work around. In real life, children aren’t usually left to their own devices to track down jewelry thieves, mediate social conflicts, run their own businesses or invent extraordinary robots that have the Pentagon calling. No. All too often, there is an adult keeping watch (or guard, depending on your view) and managing everything from on high: the Mom from the Machine. (Yes, sometimes it is the Dad from the Machine, but more often the mom.) So when writing children’s fiction there is a delicate balance between plausibility and good plotting.

As Lisa has written previously on her posts on internal v. external locus of control, children must develop confidence in their own agency, their own ability to solve problems, make choices and be responsible for the outcome. The more often the mom ex machina swoops in to take over, the less likely the child is to develop a strong internal locus of control. And just as the deus ex machina solution in a story leaves us feeling rooked, so does the mom ex machina solution in our children’s lives leave a feeling of inadequacy in its wake. So often we relish the role of superhero, enjoying the warm glow of gratitude and appreciation and admiration from the ones we’ve “saved” from a big problem. But unless you are prepared to be lowered from a machine onto your child’s stage in perpetuity, you might consider letting your child learn to be the hero of his own story.

What If I’m Wrong?

admin — Thu, 17 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

One of the ways to determine if a given situation requires courage is to dig for the risk. On Lion’s Whiskers our definition of courage has less to do with fear, and more to do with risk. If you perceive a risk (either real or imagined), then you need courage to face the risk. In most matters of intellectual courage, the risk is being wrong. Being wrong, as “the world’s only wrongologist,” Kathryn Schultz, points out in this fascinating TED lecture, does not feel good. Correction: knowing that you are wrong does not feel good. As Schulz observes, often when we are wrong we don’t know it, so we feel fine. It’s the discovery that we were wrong that can feel so bad. In fact, the more our identity is wrapped up with our intellectual accomplishments or with our ideologies, the worse being wrong feels. It ought to be a simple matter of saying, “Oops, this fact I thought was true is actually false,” and letting it go, but instead we make it about ourselves: we are wrong. Ow.

Intellectual courage, or being willing to face the risk of being wrong, allows for flexibility, inventiveness, adaptability, creativity, curiosity, objectivity, and focus. Being unwilling to face the risk of being wrong (discovering we hold false beliefs) leads to rigidity, dogma, prejudice, and worst of all, more wrongness! As philosopher George Santayana famously said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Let me hasten to clarify what I mean by false belief: If you believed that two people were standing on your foot and it turned out it was only one person standing on your foot, that was a false belief. If you further believed that the person standing on your foot was deliberately and maliciously hurting you, and it turned out the person was actually unaware of your foot there, that was a false belief. I’m not talking about religion.

Refusing to accept the reality about the person standing on your foot is generally an indication that the risk of being wrong is truly enormous, that it threatens the very foundations of a whole system of beliefs. A good example of this is the Inquisition of Gallileo, who presented evidence of planetary motion around the sun and the imperfection (in the form of sunspots) of the universe, and spent the rest of his life under house arrest because of it. (In this case I am talking about religious belief.)

Two more insightful quotations are instructive here, the first from Aristotle, and the second from Emerson:

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.”

Without the intellectual courage to consider and investigate an idea that may challenge or contradict our current beliefs and possibly reveal them to be false beliefs, debate becomes impossible, and a discussion between people with opposing views can quickly devolve into shouting and personal attacks.

Not long ago I ran into a version of this problem with my daughter, who had decided that something she had been doing (let’s call it X) was not at all her cup of tea. The problem arose when I asked how she felt about the thing that X was a subset of, and her position was she didn’t see anything positive about any of it, because she didn’t see anything positive about X. She was taking the part for the whole, a logical fallacy called pars pro toto. This is the (often false) belief that what is true for part of a thing is true for the whole thing. I kept asking, “But what about this part, and this other part, and this other part?” and she dug her heels in even harder and claimed I was forcing her to accept X!

So I backed off. Just as I have been trying to model that failure is always an option, I am trying to model that being wrong is always an option, too, and that revising an opinion in the light of new evidence is totally acceptable. The more often I can find opportunities to say, “Oh, I guess I was wrong about that,” the better. Mind you, at first I didn’t especially enjoy saying, “Look, there I go being wrong again,” but the truth is it actually gets easier the more I do it! Lisa recently wrote about making failure okay, and how liberating it can be to let go of perfectionism, and I am finding it very liberating to make being wrong okay. Besides, it’s exhausting having to be right all the time – and my friends will tell you it’s very annoying!

Here’s Kathryn Schulz’s liberating (and entertaining) TED lecture, and notice (near the end) what she has to say about stories. Enjoy!

Courage Challenge: Be Prepared and Carry a Walking Stick!

admin — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Lion’s Whiskers offers this courage challenge:

As an opportunity to practice what it would be like to put your physical courage muscles to work, we recommend discussing some possible worst-case scenarios. Part of helping your child to be courageous in life is to simulate solutions to both common and uncommon survival situations. By knowing what to do and, as the Boy Scouts say “Be Prepared!,” your chances for survival increase exponentially. We’ve had some fun writing this post. We even found ourselves in hysterics at times imagining some of these scenarios and what we might do–especially if we didn’t have a walking stick with us. But we hope that you will take this post seriously about how important it is to review some basic safety tips with your family.

As we’ve written about previously, we definitely don’t suggest marinating kids in fear. There is a difference between talking about possible life-threatening scenarios and how to survive them, as opposed to passively listening to 24-7 newsfeed that can provoke anxiety unnecessarily. What we are suggesting is that discussing survival skills, allowing your child to visualize him/herself as the possible hero in such situations, can help boost their confidence to deal with a larger and larger array of possible problems. Stressing that these kinds of worst-case scenarios are rare will be very important, just as is your discretion with sharing certain of these scenarios depending on the age and particular stage of development of your child. Humor also helps defuse some of the stress when talking about fear-inducing situations! Avoiding talking about survival fitness, and burying our heads in the quicksand, can often perpetuate fear.

Providing inspiring stories and helpful advice for how to handle some of life’s challenges–no matter how unlikely–can help us mentally rehearse and thus be better prepared to deal with fear-inducing situations. As Jennifer has written about in “This is your Brain on Stories,” specific sensory and motor areas in the brain are activated not only through real-life experience, but also through simply listening to fictional or non-fictional stories and visualizing those story details. Time and time again we hear about survivors of wild animal encounters, car/plane accidents, and natural disasters ascribing their survival to previously practiced safety drills. Fire drills, like the ones we practice at school, help us all mentally rehearse how to react and problem-solve during an emergency, thus decreasing the probability of panic. That’s why fire fighters and police officers routinely practice scenarios that will require quick thinking based on rehearsal–scenarios where fear can potentially override the kind of thinking required to save lives.

For example, U.S. Ski Team member Ani Haas encountered a black bear while jogging in a wilderness trail in Montana. Having previously learned the difference between how to survive an attack by a grizzly bear versus a black bear, she was able to automatically respond appropriately and survive the classic worse-case scenario of getting between a mama bear and her cub. You can read the story of her survival here.

You may be surprised by what your children already know–or not–about human survival. Depending on where you live, certain scenarios will be necessary to practice either mentally and/or physically. For example, if you have recently moved to a place where tornadoes are common, your kids will need to know what to do when the sirens go off. When Lisa’s family moved from Canada to Upstate New York, for example, they didn’t know that you don’t bounce on the trampoline in a lightening storm.

With help from The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook, by Josua Piven and David Borgenicht (1999), we offer the following dinner conversation starter for you and your family: Ask your kids what they think would be the best way to handle the following worst-case scenarios.

1. How do you escape from quicksand?

(Here’s the answer so you look kinda’ smart. First off, you should be walking with a good walking stick. If you don’t have a walking stick, good luck. Pray your cellphone works underwater! Plan B: Do you have a straw? Okay, back to the facts. When you start to sink you’re supposed to stay calm and not struggle. You lay the walking stick on the surface of the quicksand and align your back on top of the pole. Next you shift your body so the pole is eventually under your hips. Your body and the pole will make a cross across the surface, as you begin to remove one leg and then the other from the pull of the quicksand. Lastly, while floating on your back slowly, gently back paddle to the closest terra firma.)

2. How do you fend off a shark attack?

(When you see a shark approach–let’s assume you are in the water and this is a problem–use anything you have to strike at the shark’s eyes or gills. Stab, jab at will!They apparently don’t like to be punched in the nose though.)

3. How do you escape from a bear?

(Recap: with a grizzly you play dead–cover your special bits. With a black bear you get BIG–wave your arms, make a lot of noise, and don’t try to climb a tree. When hiking in bear country, sing, dance, wear a bell on your back or fanny pack, or engage in any other kind of noise-producing merry-making. Carrying a didgeridoo could also help, especially when quicksand might also pose a problem–remember scenario #1?)

4. How to do get away from a swarm of buzzing bees?

(Run away! Don’t swat. Don’t jump into a body of water. In other words, this isn’t one of those cases where you lie really still on the ground, and jabbing at their eyes–all six of them–is futile. Just keep running! )

5. What do you do in case of an earthquake?

(If you are inside, stay inside and get into a doorway, against an inside wall, or under a table. If you are outside, get away from power lines, buildings, or anything else that could fall on you. If you are driving, get out of traffic and off a bridge/overpass and stay inside your vehicle. Don’t flail your arms outside your vehicle. Don’t stop the car near a rocky hillside. Read our Courage Workout: Playing with Fire for more information.)

6. How can you survive when lost in the wilderness?

(Recall ALL you can from watching Survivorman or Man, Woman, Wild, but not Survivor–’cause we know THAT’s not real! Stay where you are. Stay calm. Create some shelter with any/all debris nearby, but without undue exertion – that can lead to sweating and dehydration.)

7. How do you avoid being struck by lightening?

(This is a BIG problem in the U.S.–who would have known? We’ll assume you are outside in this scenario. Don’t stand under a tree. Do not take shelter under any structure that is made of metal, like a tower or flagpole. Keep clear of water. Don’t lie flat on the ground. Kneel on all fours, with your head low–kinda’ like you would when praying for your life. If, on the other hand, you are inside: avoid all plumbing and electrical appliances.

So, now it’s your family’s turn to generate a few more scenarios (especially those that may be highly applicable to where you live). Use this conversation starter as an opportunity to review home and school safety guidelines. Review the fire escape route in familiar environments, for example. Remind the kids, as they spend more time home alone, about how to cook safely and what to do in the case of a stove fire. Here’s an inspiring story about a Texas boy who saved his baby sister when he smelled smoke in his house (click here to read his story). He attributed his quick thinking and survival to having learned fire safety in school.

Courage Book Review: Three Little Three Little Pigs

admin — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Know how you can tell this classic is about physical courage? All the huffing and puffing! Just as The Three Billy Goats Gruff had plenty of act-out-able bits, so does every version of The Three Little Pigs. Straw, wood, bricks – these are all parts of our physical experience (as opposed to tricks or puzzles, which are part of our intellectual experience). A big bad wolf who wants to eat you up is a physical risk. Physical courage may be the most easily recognized of the six types of courage, and so it is one that features in so many tales for the very young.

The Three Little Pigs have also been a mainstay of children’s book illustrator/retellers for many years, and today I offer a few words on a few notables from the Three Little Pigs’ Pen that should be readily available in libraries or stores.

Paul Galdone’s version from 1970 is a basic, friendly start. The trim size is small, making it comfortable for little hands. The story is straightforward and the illustrations are bright and dynamic. It’s perfectly satisfactory and we move briskly from one pig’s fate to the next. From 1989 we have the beloved James Marshall offering his trio of roly poly piggies, each dressed in a distinctive costume. I particularly like the pig who builds with sticks – he wears colorful, striped shorts, and his house is decorated with flags, balloons and wind chimes. The brick-building pig in this version looks like a London banker, with waistcoat and bowler hat. In this version, as in Galdone’s, the unfortunate straw-builder and stick-builder are both gobbled up. Both books end gleefully with the provident third pig gobbling up the wolf in turn.

Steven Kellogg’s 1997 version adds a subplot of a mobile waffle business that supports the pigs financially, and and enterprising mother pig who comes to the rescue at the end. Although the art and the subplot are both full of fun and interesting details, I would only share this with kids who are already well-versed in the story, for two reasons. For one thing, the subplot slows down the cadence of the main action. As you may recall from my post on The Rule of Threes, classic stories make use of triads to carry the emotional punch. It’s useful to keep that triad clear of clutter, however, so the pattern can emerge. The echoes of “Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin,” and “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in,” should ideally still be in the air by the time the next round comes. The second reason I feel less than enthusiastic about this version is related to the internal v. external locus of control, which Lisa has explained so well in earlier posts. Mommy pig comes to save the day – emphasizing that forces outside of the little pigs are in control. It’s so much more satisfying to have the final pig (even if he is poignantly the last pig standing) be the one to thwart the big bad wolf and deliver revenge, as in the more traditional versions. That shows the internal locus of control that we want our kids to develop for themselves.

Finally (and yes, I realize that this makes four) we have David Wiesner’s 2001 The Three Pigs, the Caldecott Medal winner for that year. It’s a brilliant tour de force of illustration and revision, but again, I would share this with older kids who are already perfectly familiar with the traditional story. You can’t even understand this book without knowing the model it subverts. This is a book to be enjoyed by a more sophisticated audience than the one that will squeal with delight and huff and puff as ferocious wolves. This is one that demonstrates qualities of intellectual courage – flexibility, creativity, and inventiveness – rather than physical courage. Enjoy the Galdone or Marshall versions of the story with your small kids, and then once they’ve gone to bed, appreciate the Wiesner book with your wordly-wise middle schooler.

5-Minute Courage Workout: Pull Up a Chair and Make Yourself Uncomfortable!

admin — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Compiled and written by Lisa and Jennifer:

Part of developing physical courage is to gain, through experience, a comfort with discomfort. It is impossible to know one’s physical limits and/or capacity without testing them. It is through conquering our fears of high places, being cold, underwater, fatigued, thirsty, or whatever particular physical discomfort we may have, that we have the opportunity to boost our physical courage capacity. It is through confronting physical discomfort and pushing through pain, that we can learn (and teach our children) that we have the capacity to survive situations that may someday truly test our limits. Our assumed limitations often have as much to do with the story we tell ourselves about our physical discomfort as any actual physical limitation. Pushing ourselves just that little bit past our usual comfort zone can often reveal surprising strength.

Here’s a list of 5-Minute Courage Workouts by age range to help you and your child to develop some comfort with physical discomfort:

Grab Some Lion’s Whiskers Today!

Toddler: the next time you are hanging out together on the jungle gym, taking a walk, or tumbling in gymnastic class, see if you can create an opportunity to push yourselves just a little bit harder, just a little bit longer. When your child says “I can’t. I want to be carried,” see if you can coach him/her to build some endurance with the play. Promise, “Let’s just play for 5 minutes more, and then we will take a break. I know you can do it!”
Preschooler: the next time you are headed out on a wintery walk, let your child choose if he/she will wear a coat. Pack the coat along with you, just in case. After 5 minutes or so on the walk, ask your child “Do you feel cold enough to need your coat?” Let them have the experience of needing to wear the coat, instead of just assuming or wanting that for them.
Early elementary student: ever been drenched in a rainstorm or fallen overboard? Uncomfortable isn’t it, to be walking or swimming around in water-soaked jeans. How about simulating such an experience for your child by encouraging them to take a bath tonight fully clothed? See if they can stay in the tub or shower for 5 minutes in their soaking wet, heavy clothing!
Upper elementary student or ‘tween: have a sit-up challenge with your child tonight. Before heading to bed, ask your child if they would like to see how many sit-ups you both can do in 5 minutes. You can do them as slowly or quickly as you want. Teach them how to do a sit-up, if they don’t know how, or google how to do one effectively if it has been awhile. The goal is to experience the pretty much immediate discomfort and encourage one another to push through that feeling until the timer goes off.
High schooler or teen: The next time your teen goes to raid the fridge, ask “Are you hungry? How do you know you’re hungry?” Have a 5-minute discussion with your child about the difference between craving and hunger. Sometimes we crave sugar and simple carbohydrates, when our bodies really need a muscle and brain building protein-enriched meal. Sometimes we are hungry for time, attention, rest, or human connection, more than we are for food. Sometimes out of emotional discomfort, we hope food will fill the void. True hunger is different. A discussion like this can also help us develop compassion for what it might be like to be truly hungry due to poverty or famine and to develop gratitude for the food that we do have in our fridge. Pausing before eating can also help develop tolerance for being “just a little bit hungry” and still being okay when we can’t immediately satisfy every craving.

What is one of the physical courage challenges you or your child has faced recently? Have you quit smoking, run a half-marathon, learned to juggle, moved on from the bunny hill, joined a new gym, or completed chemo?

We love to hear your stories!

Here are some other 5-Minute Courage Workouts to tackle physical courage:

Playing With Fire, Navigating the Neighborhood, Talking Dirty, It’s a Dog Eat Dog World.

Turning Blue

admin — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I recently shared this story over dinner at a restaurant with Lisa’s family, and my daughter’s delight at my absurdity and my fear was very gratifying! As we have said on this blog many times, sharing stories of our own mistakes and comic misunderstandings normalizes mistakes for our kids. We all make them. Nobody’s perfect. And hopefully we can laugh about them afterwards.

So, one cold winter day a few years back I had been reading in a cozy chair, rubbing my hands together to keep warm, sometimes rubbing them between my knees or hugging myself against the chill. I wondered at one point if I should turn the heat up, as I noticed my normally pale skin was looking slightly blue. I hugged a blanket around my shoulders and continued reading. As the sun shifted and came through the window onto my lap, I noticed my hands really looked blue. Definitely blue. I rubbed them together again, thinking I should take a walk and get my blood circulating. I made a cup of tea to warm myself, and tried to quell the tiny voice in my head that was saying, “That does not look normal.”

I subdued my anxiety by diving back into my book, but couldn’t resist taking a peek now and then. Still blue, even though I had turned up the heat and done a few jumping jacks. The tiny voice was louder now, and my thoughts began to stumble in alarm. My daughter, the Lovely K., would soon be home, and I began to sketch out an action plan in nervous jerks of thought – hospital, am I cyanotic? am I not getting enough oxygen? am I losing circulation? emergency room? call someone so I can drop her off in case – I went into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror, my mind now racing with fear. My face seemed normal, my gums pink, it was just my blue blue hands! I was as close as I’ve ever come to freaking out, staring at my blue hands, when I happened to clench them into fists, and that’s when I noticed that where the skin stretched over my knuckles, there was my normal pale color in the cracks. Suspicious now in a different way, I grabbed a bar of soap and began to wash my hands. My mouth gaped in surprise as the soap suds turned dingy gray and my horrifying and mysterious medical condition swirled down the drain.

At this point in the story Lisa’s daughter broke in like Sherlock Holmes. “Your jeans! It was your jeans!”

“Yes,” I confessed with chagrin. “I was wearing brand new jeans, and when I tried to warm up by rubbing my hands between my knees the dye rubbed into my skin. Every time I rubbed my hands on my legs to get my circulation going it just got darker and darker.”

My daughter was giggling. “You thought you were turning blue!”

What I didn’t share was that I’ve noticed whenever I am sick that she becomes very anxious. My adopted daughter lost one mother already, and whether it’s conscious for her or not, I think she fears it might happen again. Why wouldn’t she think so? Where she comes from there are millions of orphans whom fate has left parentless, and she knows it. So the thoughts that had been racing through my mind, the fear that had been making me so stupid, was not fear for myself, but for her. No! It wouldn’t be fair, life is not that cruel! was what had my heart in my throat.

But no. Not quite dead yet, to quote a favorite line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

“Pretty dumb, huh?” I asked her. She just laughed and continued with her dinner.

So that’s why I’m here. It has been almost a year since Lisa and I started this blog, and I began sharing stories with our readers. My daughter’s courage in starting her life over again at 8 years old continues to be my inspiration, and I’ll keep telling stories until I turn blue in the face.

Up and Over the Black Belt Wall!

admin — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Lisa and Jennifer’s daughters at the end of their Black Belt test

Dr. Lisa’s Parent Coaching Tip:

Ask your child if there is something that he/she has achieved that they believe required them to have courage. Ask them: “What did you learn about courage?” Is there something they want to achieve that will surely take courage? What type of courage will it take? Check out our Six Types of Courage for some help defining what type of courage may be needed.

The next time you are stuck solving some parenting problem, like your child wants to quit something he/she just started, or he/she is having conflict with a friend, or he/she just can’t get seem to get up and ready in the morning, ask your child: “What is your idea about how we are going to solve this problem?” You can tell them you have some ideas, but that you value their opinion and believe it is part of their responsibility, too, to help solve this problem. Depending on your child’s age, of course, you could ask them, “If we suddenly woke up tomorrow morning and we’d switched roles, you are now the parent and I am your child, and we still have this problem, what would you suggest we do?”

We’d love you to share some of your conversations about courage with your children in our COMMENTS section!

Blessings on the journey!

This Is Your Brain on Stories

admin — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I’ve offered a lot of traditional stories on Lion’s Whiskers over the last several months. How many of you are telling them to your kids? Maybe not a lot of you, and that’s okay! But I hope you have gathered something from these stories. What I hope you have picked up on is this: around the world, in every culture, people have been telling stories not simply for entertainment, but for creating metaphors for understanding their world. I also hope I can persuade you that some form of storytelling – whether with traditional narratives or your own “When I was a kid” yarns – can be a powerful parenting tool, and may help your kids to develop the six types of courage.

I’ve shared a lot of my own anecdotal observations about the power of storytelling, and posted lots of inspiring quotations about the role of stories in our lives. What’s fascinating and exciting is that cutting-edge brain science is beginning to back up the wisdom of the ages. Researchers from many disciplines are using fMRI brain scanning to investigate what actually happens in our brains when we listen to stories. The fields of advertising and journalism have always known how to harness the power of stories; but that power is now part of medical education and law schools, in tax compliance and political discourse, as part of proposed Alzheimer’s treatments, and part of the on-going discussion concerning whether an understanding of narrative can help explain wartime behaviors. Even the defense department is studying whether narrative approaches can help create military leaders with more moral courage.

I want to very briefly (as a layperson, children’s author, and researcher on the importance of story-telling in our culture) summarize some of the findings.

Humans are hardwired for narrative. Evidence is mounting that we are natural storytellers, not by training or by culture, but by biology. The creation of metaphors for understanding our experience is automatic, which helps explain why being presented with facts is often insufficient for decision-making. When we create metaphors for information and experience, they fit more readily into a narrative frame and allow us to imagine how the story might end. Researchers such as Paul Bloom at Yale University’s Mind and Development Lab study babies to figure out how the imagination makes information processing possible, and use puppet plays (stories) to study babies’ moral judgement. “Story,” writes brain scientist Mark Turner, “is a basic principle of mind. Most of our experience, our knowledge, and our thinking is organized as stories.”

. Oxytocin is released by stories. Oxytocin, the hormone associated with love and attachment, can be triggered by listening to stories. Oxytocin receptors are located in the pleasure centers of the brain; those stimuli that trigger the release of oxytocin (snuggling, for example) are the ones we seek rather than avoid. This tells us that listening to stories is an adaptation for survival. Oxytocin has also been linked to trust, empathy and moral behavior, and may thus be relevant for creating stable societies.

To an avid reader or storyteller, it’s stating the obvious to say that when we are immersed in a story, we feel excitement when the character feels excitement, grief when the character feels grief. We have all experienced the emotions of the characters we love, especially those with whom we empathize. But not only that, the areas of the brain that register motion are also stimulated when characters in story experience motion. When we say we are moved by a story, this is true in more ways than one. The brain lights up as if the listener (or reader) is actually in the story, fighting dragons and falling in love.

So how is this related to courage development in our children? Dr. Lisa has discussed oxytocin’s role in promoting attachment which contributes significantly to courage development and resiliency in children. If storytelling, too, triggers oxytocin release, then we can speculate that storytelling also has a role in both deepening the connection in secure attachment relationships and inspiring courage and moral development in our children. On top of that, we have the connection between fear and uncertainty: because storytelling is a human adaptation for interpreting and making sense of experience, it may help reduce uncertainty, and by extension, reduce fear. Stories offer us the opportunity for mental, imaginative, neurobiological rehearsal of experiences we may encounter in the future. Just as champion athletes use visualization techniques to ready themselves for the contest to come (a form of storytelling), we can use stories to prepare ourselves and our children for the challenges of the future.

Whether you retell the traditional stories I’ve offered on this blog, pick a book from my bookshelf to read your child, or you like sharing family stories and taking turns narrating your day’s events at dinnertime, stories are powerful, free and abundant. They are what make us human and inspire us all to have courage in life. As the Native American saying goes, “Take courage from the story.”

The Black Belt Wall

admin — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Lisa’s son competing in board breaking in November, 2011 as a “Recommended Black Belt”

Jennifer and my children are testing for their Black Belts in Tae Kwon Do (TKD) this weekend. It’s kind of a big deal. This test, six and a half hours in total, is the culmination of four years of study. They have each hit their own personal Black Belt walls and wanted to quit. As I wrote about in Quitters, Campers, and Quitters: Which One Are You?, what matters is that they didn’t quit and, as their parents, we didn’t quit on them.

Our kids starting out on their TKD Journey four years ago as “White Belts”

Our kids started to study TKD within one month of one another. Jennifer’s daughter led the pack. She had just arrived from Ethiopia, and my kids had just moved with my husband and I from Canada to the

U.S.

Our kids have become good friends while logging a lot hours of study and commuting together to weekly classes over the years. Keep in mind that TKD is not a seasonal sport, this is a 50 or-so week a year commitment! As my matter-of-fact husband pointed out, when I asked him what he thinks it takes to be the parent of a kid who completes their Black Belt, “You need to be prepared to drive a lot.” My son’s response to the same question: “Be there.”

I’ll be honest, I was reticent about my kids studying a martial art. Before signing my kids up, I met with and basically drilled Master Miller, the owner of the school Jennifer had found, about his approach to teaching TKD—which was code for “Are you going to teach my kids to be more fearful and aggressive in this world?” That was my big fear. I didn’t want them to learn to be looking over their shoulders for potential apprehenders or attackers. I’m not trying to raise my kids in a bubble, but I am pretty clear on the importance of not marinating them in fear. Master Miller was tolerant of my over-the-top questioning, and stated simply, “Well, Mrs. Dungate, we are a school that teaches a self-defense martial art.” Duh! I also figured that since my husband has a Black Belt in Aikido, and he’s the kindest, most peaceful man I know, our kids should be okay. It helped to reflect on the times that contrary to my fear, knowing some basic self-defense had made me more confident—even courageous—to fend off a groper on a subway in Japan, avoid being robbed on a bridge in Rome, and navigate dark alleys around the world.

Turns out the risk I took in trusting Master Miller with my kids has been one of the all-time best decisions I’ve made as a parent. You couldn’t find a more skilled, intelligent, generous, funny, or all-around inspiring mentor for kids than this man. He is, to my mind, integrity personified. One of the things I’ve learned as a parent: sharing the responsibility of educating our children with other inspiring teachers is a good thing to do. And you can’t argue with the inspiring core values that are the cornerstones of his mat chats and the words that line his school walls: courtesy, integrity, perseverance, self-control, indomitable spirit. It’s inspiring to witness to the transformation of some of the off-the wall, disrespectful, temper-tantruming kids that come in the doors of his school, and the upstanding citizens who walk out.

Jennifer’s daughter a few years ago practicing in class as a “Green Belt”

My son recently commented how much he appreciates that I’m not a “Tiger Mother.” He’s too busy to have read Amy Chua’s bestseller extolling the value of that particular parenting style. I had to ask him what he meant. His reply, “Like one of those moms who screams from the sidelines, demanding that their kid do better, kick higher, punch harder, and generally needs to be on the mats herself.” I laughed. It turns out that my somewhat laid back approach to TKD (as it isn’t my passion) seems to have actually paid off in my kids’ case. I can’t be bossy or controlling in this area of their life. Which is probably a huge relief for them, I’m sure. It has also required some letting go. Accepting that they are growing up, making friends, finding mentors, and learning cool stuff in life that I have absolutely nothing to do with.

While they study I often go for a run, which is my passion. At least I’m not a total hypocrite extolling the virtues of physical fitness, insisting that they attend classes when they are too tired, while being a total couch potato myself. Unlike my husband I don’t possess a Black Belt—except for the super cute skinny one I just picked up on sale at Banana Republic. But I digress.

Lisa’s daughter and son practicing their “High Blue Belt” form in tandem
a couple of years ago

In my kids’ darkest moments during the past four years, I’ve shared my experiences hitting half and full-marathon walls. But most of all, Jennifer, my husband, and I just kept cheering our kids on, urging them forward (even refusing for them to quit at times), paying their school fees, and filling up our gas tanks. The most important lessons I think we’ve all learned relate to the value of sticking with something we said we would, respect for the master-student relationship and the process involved with learning something challenging (especially in our age of instant gratification), and enjoying the learning as much as the final result. The skill, courage, confidence, and sense of accomplishment our kids have gained? Priceless.

I asked Master Miller recently what he thought it took for the approximately 10% of children who actually complete their Black Belt from amongst the 90% of children that quit before finishing? What separates the wheat from chaff, so to speak? The two factors he identified as the source of Black Belt success are well worth considering as valuable insight about what it takes to raise a courageous kid:

“For most children, this is the first long term goal the will have achieved in their entire lives. The first factor is the student themselves. Everyone starts martial arts with a different level of skill, athleticism, motivation, discipline and spirit. It is always dependent on what a student is willing to put in, that translates to what they are willing to get back. This is why each new black belt we have slightly redefines what it means to be a ‘Black Belt.’ Just like no two people are the same, no two black belts’ experiences are the same. Each student has their own struggles, difficulties, and challenges, but they also have rewarding, and joyous experiences. The key is about perseverance: Keeping your eyes on your goals and not allowing the other challenges that you face to diminish the strength of your resolve. If you focus on your difficulties, they will appear to grow in strength, but if you focus on your goals, the challenges seem to diminish.

The second main factor would have to be a support system around them that is encouraging and supportive. Everyone has feelings of wanting to give up along the path of anything you can consider calling a ‘journey’. Unfortunately, there are too many families who have clearly learned about the huge benefits that martial arts have to offer, but are not willing to say it is not okay to quit and take the necessary steps to inspire, mentor and guide a child on the right path. Sometimes, all it would have taken was a nudge in the right direction to help steer someone on a better path. Sometimes, we hand over the rudder of the boat to a child before they are ready to handle the responsibility and the repercussions of their decisions. There are some black belts who never needed to hear a single thing from their parents; for the other 99%, each one speaks in their essays about how grateful they were to their parents for the guidance and added motivation that it took to assist them in reaching their goal.”

Special thanks, and tons of gratitude, to Master Miller for tolerating my initial interrogation, and to his parents and team of instructors (especially Mr. Gray) for believing in our children, and being such inspiring mentors for all our children! Click here to learn more about Cutting Edge Martial Arts.

Dear Reader, care to share your or your child’s learning about completing a long-term goal? Post a comment. We’d LOVE to hear from you, too!

Courage Question of the Day

admin — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Here at Lion’s Whiskers we are hoping to collect kids’ definitions for some of the values most commonly associated with moral courage.

We would appreciate your help!

Could you ask your children to define, in their own words, one or more of the following? Please send us their age, first name (if you are comfortable), country, and what they understand these words to mean.

Loyalty
Trust
Honesty
Integrity
Accountability
Responsibility
Fairness
Impartiality
Justice

You may be impressed, surprised, or even shocked by what your child has already learned, or not, about what these powerful words mean to them in their life. We hope the discussion prompts new insights and hope you will share with us your learning! Thanks for your help! Send your responses to: [email protected]