friendship – Lion's Whiskers

My Year of Living Fearlessly!

admin — Sun, 21 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

“When we know who we are, we can overcome our fears and insecurities. We surpass our smaller selves who suffer the slings and arrows of our conditioned reality, and we move to the unconditional truth of our larger selves. The answers to the questions of what to do, what to say, whom to let in, and whom to keep out become a clear and simple matter of listening to our hearts. That inner voice helps us align with our purpose, because each of us has a purpose, even if we judge it to be insignificant the voice is there. We just need to listen to it. When we do that, we live in fearlessness.” – Arianna Huffington, excerpted from On Becoming Fearless in Love, Work, and Life

Since my last blog post, I’ve been busy crossing things of my list of “Fears to Conquer and Dreams to Live,” as part of my intention to live fearlessly in 2012!

At the beginning of this year, I wrote about my decision not to make a list of New Year’s resolutions in my post What Would You Do if You Weren’t Afraid? Instead, I decided to embrace the idea that by striving to live fearlessly, an even more authentic and courageous self may emerge. The thing about fear is that it limits full self-expression while keeping us fearfully, anxiously captive. Perfectionism, the underlying culprit behind many New Year’s resolutions, is fear’s evil twin (I’ve written about it in Making Failure Okay). Therefore, I also made a commitment to embrace the belief “I’m already enough.”

We seek to help our kids to conquer their fears every day, and the best place to start is with ourselves!

The first thing I did after writing my New Year’s post was to make a list of my fears. I was pleasantly surprised to find that none of the classic phobias were on the list. I’m not afraid of spiders, snakes, heights, public speaking, or flying. Of course, when I see a snake on the side of the road on one of my long distance runs, I still jump. That type of fear is biologically-based, instinctual, and the kind of self-protective response we need for survival. Pure fear, instead of anxious “fright,” can be a powerful protector and teacher. In 2012, however, I wanted to coax the monsters from out under my bed, rid old skeletons in my closet. Simply riding more roller coasters wasn’t going to do the trick.

So, here’s where things got interesting. Once I was willing to commit to living fearlessly, I found that every single fear I may have avoided, stuffed, or otherwise denied, when given permission to be expressed, written down on paper, or otherwise invited to show its ugly face, did just that! Around about January 15th, it looked like Halloween in my own head! Therefore, as I became willing to face my fears, it became very important to identify specific goals and steps to take to conquer those fears. The fastest anxiety-busting technique I know is to take ACTION! As the old adage reminds us: “The only way out is through.” No matter how small the steps you take through fear, it just matters that you keep taking those steps. For every fear on my list, I came up with a fear-busting goal.

Here’s a sample of some of the fears from my January 1st, 2012 list:

“I’m afraid of becoming blind.” So, I promptly booked an appointment with an optometrist who reassured me I had neither a fatal brain tumor nor impending blindness. Instead, she prescribed a cheap pair of readers and told me “You have excellent vision, but you’re in your forties. The good news is that your forties aren’t fatal! Your eye strain isn’t a tumor, you just need readers.” Phew! One fear down, nine to go!

“I’m afraid of not having friends and family for support during tough times.” So, I started reaching out to old and new friends and hosting more social gatherings, whether my house is clean or not, and repaired my heart and upped my happiness a little more in the process. I booked flights for myself and my family home to Canada for a much-needed family and friends fill-up after a two year absence. I’ve reconnected with old friends and estranged family members. I’ve learned to sit in the discomfort of misunderstandings and past hurts without needing to be right, but instead seeking to forgive and cultivate peace.

A few of the fears on my list involved overcoming previous experiences that had evoked survival responses of fear, like my fear of snorkeling after getting caught off a coral reef a few years ago in the Caribbean (read about that by clicking here). But most of my fears were more existential in nature. Fears that, upon reflection, I realized were holding me back in my relationships and career. Those fears were the ones rooted deep in childhood experiences that required some careful uprooting. Previous hurts in relationships still haunted me in the form of a fear of making mistakes, being unlovable, or being judged. The imposter syndrome was on the list. And like many others, the bag lady fear also made my list—minus the house full of cats.

Looking at my list of fears, it struck me that I had inherited most of my fears from my parents and that, almost by osmosis, I had absorbed many from our culture primarily through fear-based media messaging. Fears like: losing everything and becoming homeless, being a bad parent, and getting sick and old.

Many of my underlying fears I know I share with others. As a therapist I have the unique opportunity and privilege to listen as children, adolescents, and adults in my office peel back the layers to reveal the underlying fears that keep them unhappy and afraid in life. Our materialist society capitalizes on these very fears to sell stuff. “If you buy this cream, you’ll look young and stay lovable.” “If you buy this insurance, you won’t get sick, grow old, and die alone.” But life is unpredictable. Until we learn to live more fully in the present and take action, instead of worrying needlessly about future “what if’s,” we leave ourselves vulnerable to fear’s tight grip. It’s not as if anti-aging face creams, insurance policies, and saving for a rainy day are bad ideas. But I’ve found that when fear motivates my decisions, my goals are less aligned with being authentic and courageous and more about avoiding some kind of possible pain.

After writing down my fears, my next step was to use the surest, quickest way I’ve found to release oneself from fear: author Byron Katie’s Four Questions method. Her method helps folks to reveal how irrational most fears are and to discover what it might be like to live life without fearful thought.

Here are her Four Questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Source: www.thework.com

The four questions have helped me to discover that most all fears are irrational. I also found that once I identified key fears to conquer, more than enough opportunities presented themselves to help me overcome them! Don’t say I didn’t warn you! My responses to question 4 also helped me generate my list of dreams to live this year.

For example, if I wasn’t afraid of being lost in New York City (which resulted in a mild panic attack a few years ago on Ellis Island), then I would sign up for the 2012 ING NYC marathon and run through all the city’s boroughs. So, I promptly signed myself up. On November 4th I will be completing my first marathon in fifteen years. It turns out that at age 45 I do have to stretch more, and my first few long runs were painful. But otherwise the optometrist is right, our forties aren’t fatal!

“I’m afraid of asking others for help” was also on my list of fears to conquer. Plenty of opportunities there when I put my ego aside and open myself up to others’ help and what they have to teach me! I’m now fundraising and asking friends and family for money for the Alzheimer’s Association on behalf of my mother and uncle who have been recently been diagnosed with this devastating disease. Instead of running from my genetic heritage, I’m running towards a cure before anyone else in my family is afflicted! Here’s my fundraising page, in case any of you are interested and/or would like more information on behalf of your own family.

Thus far in 2012, I’ve flown in an open helicopter with my daughter (who was afraid of flying, as some of you may remember from reading Fear of Flying: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Feeling). I got back into the ocean and snorkeled in Cuba. I’ve completed five months of marathon training and two half-marathons in preparation for November 4th. I’ve made sure to focus more on all the good in others, instead of looking for something to judge—thus, effectively curtailing my own fear of others judging me!

I catch myself when I’m worrying and remind myself what I’ve taught my own children since they were little: “A change in your thoughts, leads directly to a change in your feelings.” So, I pick a different thought. A kinder thought that evokes faith and peace, instead of worry.

I completed Kathy Freston’s Quantum Wellness 21-day cleanse as a way to kick start healthier habits, get in better shape for the marathon, and genuinely feel more at ease in the present moment.

I listen more—especially to my kids who’ve felt free to give me feedback on what it is like to have a therapist for a mom who looks too often for problems to solve and advice to give! Once they hit adolescence, I started asking if they wanted to hear my thoughts. Surprisingly, more often than not, they do still want to hear what I have to say especially now that they have a choice.

I’ve made sure to do at least one thing that makes me happy every day. Subsequently, I’ve cultivated a much more grateful heart.

And after completing all my mental health therapist licensure requirements after moving five years ago from Canada to the U.S., I’m finally listening to that wise inner voice Arianna Huffington’s quote refers to and gave notice at my job a few weeks ago. I will be devoting much more time in 2013 to pursuing a higher purpose and integrity in my professional life, which includes making Lion’s Whiskers into a book.

As I conquer the last few fears on my list, I notice that I’m trusting myself, others, and the Universe a lot more. I’m back to laughing a lot more, stressing less, and generally being a much more relaxed parent. Fear is no longer a foe, but more a scaredy-cat I’m making friends with—cause let’s face it, everyone could use a little more friendship in their lives!

My daughter crossing the finish line with me at my recent half-marathon!

The truth of the matter is that these past ten months I’ve been most inspired by my own children and those I work with therapeutically to learn what it is to live life fearlessly. I wholeheartedly believe kids have a lot to teach us about courage. It’s in everything they do!

I also know that as parents we could be much more aware of how we project our fears onto our children. By trusting our children—instead of letting worry get in our own way and theirs—we intentionally uproot fear’s tenacious roots before they grow too deep, thus encouraging our children to develop trust in themselves. But more on that topic in upcoming posts!

Feel free to enjoy the follow-up chapter to this particular story by clicking here: Running Plan B

Care to share a fear of yours and what action you might take to conquer it!?

Courage Challenge of the Day

admin — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Here is a social courage challenge especially for Westerners (tweens through adults), for whom physical affection between friends tends to be somewhat reserved. Next time you are in public with your closest friend, link arms, hold hands, or walk with arms across one another’s shoulders. Do you feel self-conscious? Are there places or situations where you feel less comfortable doing this than in others? What a great opportunity for you and your friend to have a conversation about how others see you and your friendship, and how you yourselves see it. We too often forget that in many parts of the world, this is perfectly standard practice between men and men, and between women and women. And no-one assumes they’re gay!

Other ways to test the limits of “personal space” and social courage is to stand close to the only other person on the elevator instead of retreating to the opposite side, or taking a seat near the only other occupant of a bus, movie theater, park bench or restaurant. You might get some dirty looks! Go ahead, test yourself. What sorts of feelings does it bring up for you?

Let Me Tell You a Secret!

admin — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The other day the Lovely K. and I were having another conversation about secrets. In fifth grade, the girls spent much of their recess time (and any other time they can find) not playing, but talking, chatting, chewing the fat. They share bits and pieces of their stories and weave together a bigger story (the story of us, rather than just the story of me) out of the fragments. This is a vital social activity, one that promotes friendship, trust, and social cohesion. It’s an act of culture-building.

But anyone can tell you it also can foment discord. Ah, secrets! Sometimes the line between social cohesion and tribalism or cliqueishness is hard to see and easy to step over. My daughter and I have talked about gossiping and secrets, and about the destruction it can cause. Secrets often have their start in shame, and although it’s easy for me to say, “Don’t do anything you will be ashamed of,” it’s not always such easy advice to follow. Social courage may represent the biggest challenges for tweens and teens.

Here is a story about King Midas (yes, the one with the golden touch, which had by now been revoked) and his secret shame, and what became of him.

Pan once boasted that his music was superior even to Apollo’s, and King Midas, who was Pan’s friend, agreed. Oh, do not take sides against the gods! Apollo brought the two before him for a simple demonstration. “Play your flute upside down,” Apollo commanded Pan. Naturally, no sound could come out, and while poor Pan struggled to produce music, Apollo turned his own lyre upside down and played as beautifully as ever before.

To King Midas, the god now turned his scornful glance. “You have the ears of a donkey,” he said.

In the twitch of a donkey’s tail, Midas’s ears grew tall and furry, a visible shame and humiliation to the king. To hide his embarrassment, the king took to wearing hats with tall wings on either side (his ears could fit inside, you see), and nobody but his barber knew the secret.

The barber, however, found that keeping the secret was more than he could stand. He must tell someone! In desperation, he ran to a meadow and dug a hole in the ground. Then he whispered into the hole, “King Midas has the ears of a donkey!” and filled it in with dirt again, breathing a sigh of relief.

Very soon, however, a bed of reeds sprang up in the meadow. Every time the wind passed through them they rustled and whispered together, “King Midas has the ears of a donkey!” Anyone nearby could plainly hear it, and soon enough the secret was spread far and wide. Destroyed by shame, King Midas ran to the wilderness to live alone, and there he lived out his days.

I’ve counseled the Lovely K. to say, “No thanks!” if someone offers to share a secret. But quite often, secrets are thrust upon us. They are always an unwelcome burden, one we are not allowed to put down without permission, one that gets heavier and heavier over time.

The intimacy and bonding of whispered conversation can be a treasure, but kids need courage to step outside that delicious whisper circle when somebody glances around, grins, and says, “Guess what I heard?”

The Legend of the Banyan Deer

admin — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

There is another story from India that has some similar features to the Damon and Pythias story. This is another tale of self-sacrifice, a difficult concept for many kids to wrap their minds around. This story is slightly more challenging because it is not a sacrifice for friendship, but rather a sacrifice for leadership, which requires not just emotional courage but social courage as well. I found this in a collection of Jataka tales (stories of the incarnations of Buddha), and it is called The Banyan Deer.

Long ago, there were two tribes of deer, the Banyan Deer and the Monkey Deer. Each of these tribes had a magnificent king, with beautifully branched antlers and bright bold eyes. Nearby there also lived a human king, who loved to hunt. He often hunted for deer, but whenever he chanced upon the deer kings, who were as princely and splendid as he was himself, he would lower his bow and arrow. “The deer kings will never be harmed,” the human king decreed.

The servants who helped with the hunting found the hunts time-consuming and difficult, and decided to create an enormous fenced park. Then they herded the deer into it, and from then on the human king could hunt much more easily and the servants could attend their other jobs. However, it sometimes happened that more than one deer might be wounded in the chase, or die of fright while running, and so more deer died than were shot. The Banyan Deer King and the Monkey Deer King consulted one another, for this was becoming a crisis.

“Let us draw lots in our tribes, one day among the Banyans, the next day among the Monkeys, back and forth, and who is chosen will go to the gate and be taken, and that way the rest of the tribes will be safe and we will suffer the losses equally.”

The human king was amazed to find a deer waiting at the gate each day, and so it continued for some time. One day, when the lots were drawn, a mother Monkey deer with a young fawn was chosen. She went to her king and begged that she might wait until her fawn was older before she went to be sacrificed. “No!” said the Monkey Deer King. “You must take your turn when you are chosen, just as the others have done.”

In despair, the mother went to the Banyan King, and told him her trouble and begged for help. The noble Banyan King went himself to the gate, and waited for the hunters. But when the human king saw which deer was at the gate, he cried, “No! I have said the kings of the deer tribes must not be killed! What do you do here?”

The king of the Banyan Deer replied, “I could not ask my people to do what I am unwilling to do myself.”

Such courage and self-sacrifice coming from a deer king put the human king to shame, and from that time he gave up hunting the deer.

Giving up something precious for someone else can be hard. K. and I have a tradition of exclaiming “It’s Lucky Money Day!” whenever we find money on the ground, be it a penny, a quarter, or once a five dollar bill. It used to be finders keepers, but this year we agreed that all Lucky Money will go into a donation jar, as well as the change that winds up in coat pockets and the bottoms of handbags. K. chose the animal shelter where we got our family dog as the recipient for this year. I’ll be curious to see how much Lucky Money we collect. Enough for a trip to the movies? With popcorn? We shall see what could be ours, but what we will give up instead.

Courage Challenge of the Day

admin — Fri, 27 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Lion’s Whiskers offers this courage challenge: Before school ends this year and you’ve lost the chance to exercise your social courage muscles, look around: Is there someone in your child’s class that you and your child haven’t spent much time with?

Seize the opportunity to arrange an end-of-the-year playdate or a chance to hang out. This potential new friend or family could broaden your social horizons in ways you may not yet have even considered! Everybody has a story. Unless we create opportunities to connect, we may never get the chance to know how that story may add a new chapter to your own life story.

After you and your child have decided whom to invite and what might be fun to do together, your challenge as the parent is to make these arrangements on the phone or in-person while your child is present. That way you are modeling the kind of social outreach, with all the polite, preamble, get-to-know-you conversation that that entails. Whether you have a preschooler, highschooler, or someone in between, it’s never too late to help your child create a new friendship.

“There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t met yet.” ~ William Butler Yeats

What’s a true story from your life about a time you reached out to make a new friend or helped your child to do so?

Another Lion Story (actually two!)

admin — Tue, 17 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A startling video on YouTube made the rounds a few years back, about a lion named Christian and the two men who had raised him. The background is that in 1969 these men saw a lion cub for sale in London (let’s not even begin to talk about how this could have been legal) and brought it home, raising it in their apartment and exercising it in the neighboring churchyard. Inevitably, this male lion (named Christian) became too big, and the young men did what they must to reintroduce it to the wild in Africa. More than a year later they returned to look for their old friend; the lion came to them and embraced them, rubbing against them like an overgrown kitty, and even introduced them to its wild-born mate. Watching this video (with a power ballad soundtrack!) brings tears and also the question – how could those men be so sure they were safe? What sort of courage is that?

It immediately brought to mind the story of Androcles and the Lion, one of my favorites from childhood and a great example of emotional courage.

A Greek slave named Androcles was badly abused by his Roman master for many years. One day, when an opportunity presented itself, Androcles ran away, choosing the unknown dangers of the forest over the known dangers of life as a slave. He wandered for many days, hungry and exposed to the elements. At last, he found a cave where he could take shelter, and lay down to rest.

Hours later, a sound awakened him. To his horror, he saw the daylight at the mouth of the cave obscured by a great shape, and by its shaggy mane and powerful frame he recognized his terrible mistake: he had taken shelter in a lion’s den. With a short prayer he resigned himself to his fate and closed his eyes, but when minutes passed with no attack he peeked. The lion lay just within the opening of the cave, grunting as if in pain and licking at a front paw.

Androcles crept closer, and saw that a large green thorn was stuck in the paw, which was swollen and infected from the sap. His heart was pounding with fear, but when the man crept even closer the lion stretched out his leg, as if asking for help. Trembling, Androcles reached out and, bit by bit, worked the thorn loose. The lion sighed, and lay his head down, blinking tiredly at Androcles before falling asleep. Androcles too, exhausted by the fear and relief, soon gave way to sleep.

For several days, Androcles and the lion shared the cave with growing trust and friendship. The lion brought food to Androcles as if the man were the lion’s cub, and they both regained their strength and walked among the trees together. One day, however, a team of hunters ensnared the lion in a net, and guessing that Androcles was a runaway slave, they captured him as well.

In those days, it was the Roman custom to watch criminals be torn to pieces by wild animals as a spectacle in the open-air theater called the Coliseum. This was to be Androcles’ fate, as a warning to other slaves not to try running away. On the appointed day, Androcles was thrown into the ring, while hundreds of spectators cheered and applauded from all sides. On the far side of the arena, a gate was drawn open by a chain, and a ferocious lion burst out, roaring and snarling in rage.

Androcles stood his ground as the lion charged, and a hush fell upon the blood-thirsty crowd. To their astonishment, the lion stopped when it reached the slave and licked his face. Androcles wrapped his arms around the lion’s neck, for it was the same lion who had been his friend in the forest. So great was the wonder of this event, that the emperor granted pardon to both slave and lion, who spent the rest of their days together as free citizens of Rome.

Damon and Pythias, BFFs

admin — Tue, 03 May 2011 00:00:00 +0000

The yearning for a BFF runs deep. When I was a child, one of my favorite stories from Ancient Greece was the legend of Damon and Pythias. I haven’t run across it in children’s literature for a long time, however, possibly because of homophobia – I’m not sure, really. All I can say is that it spoke directly to my soul when I was young and had a BFF, and we dreamed that nothing would be better than for us to live together forever, as only best friends can dream. We drew detailed floor plans of the house we would build, remodeling it constantly – at one point it had a room-sized aviary that would house all our parakeets and zebra finches. It was a dream of complete reasonableness for us.

So, the legend of Damon and Pythias:

Two men, Damon and Pythias, were the best of friends, loving each other and living as brothers, sharing everything in the greatest joy and confidence and mutual trust. The claim that each would be willing to lay down his life for the other was no exaggeration, for it was put to the test.

It happened that they were visiting the kingdom of Syracuse, and the tyrant king suspected Damon of making slanderous statements against the tyrant. For this crime, Damon was sentenced to death; but he begged leave to return to his home to say farewell to his family, promising to return and accept his punishment. The tyrant refused, saying that Damon would use the chance to escape, but Pythias stepped forward, offering himself as hostage. If Damon did not return one month from that day, the tyrant could execute Pythias instead.

The cruel king thought Pythias was a fool, but agreed to the terms, and Damon departed. For the entire month, Pythias confidently awaited his friend’s return. Yet the day of execution arrived, and Damon had not come back. The king mocked Pythias’ misplaced loyalty, and told the executioner to make ready. Pythias never doubted his friend, however. He knew Damon would not abandon him, and that there must surely be a reason for the delay. He went to the place of execution without wavering in his trust and love for Damon.

Almost at the last possible moment, Damon arrived on bleeding feet. He had been on his way back to Syracuse when his ship had been seized by pirates. After much struggle he had escaped, but with no money he had been forced to make his way the best he could, and walked night and day without rest to make the deadline. He wept with joy to see he had not been too late, and that his friend was still alive.

The king, astonished by their self-sacrifice and courage, and humbled by a friendship that erased the fear of death itself, pardoned Damon, and the two friends returned to their own country.

That kind of unwavering confidence in a friend takes a lot of emotional courage. Trust can be hard! But to have that confidence and be worthy of it in return is the ideal of the BFF. When I hear K. and B. talk about how awesome it would be if our families bought a big house and lived there together so they would never have to part, I know the story of Damon and Pythias would make complete sense to them. It made sense to me.

What’s the Monster Under Your Bed?

admin — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Lion’s Whiskers asks: What’s the monster under your bed?

Our children are not the only ones who fear monsters lurking under the bed, in the closet, or around a dark corner. As parents we, too, can lose sleep worrying about our child’s well-being. To see if you are in good company, here’s a recent survey conducted by babycenter.com with 2,400 respondents (click here for the full results and complete article) about parents’ TOP 5 FEARS and what you can do about them (I’ve cut and pasted the results with my own ad lib):

1. The Fear: I’m afraid my child won’t get the education and opportunities she needs to reach her potential.

What You Can Do: Child development experts agree that it’s not necessary to buy every educational toy that hits the market or fill each hour of your child’s day with enrichment activities. When it comes to helping your child reach her potential, it turns out that less is often more. Your presence, your attention, your love, for example, provide the most potent education for your child! It can take emotional and intellectual courage to weigh the choices involved in our choosing the best educational path for our child, especially if you are swimming against tide and home-schooling, enrolling in an alternative educational program, advocating for a learning disabled child, or deciding less is more in terms of extracurricular activities.

2. The Fear: I’m afraid someone will hurt or attack my child.

What You Can Do: Stay attuned and continue to nurture a securely attached relationship with your child to ensure the channels of communication stay open, so that if anything does happen you will be the first to know. Have the “strange behavior” talk…instead of provoking stranger-danger fear, role-play and discuss common scenarios and ways to trust your gut when meeting or crossing paths with strangers and/or familiar people who behave strangely that you may wish to keep at a distance. While teaching your child to navigate the neighborhood, point out examples of “strange behavior” and how to walk confidently around those types of situations or people that raise red flags in terms of your child’s safety. Teach your child who and how to tell if they’ve been hurt…physically, emotionally, or sexually. Remember, in the vast majority of cases with all types of child abuse, the perpetrator is someone known to the child.

3. The Fear: I’m afraid my child will be injured in an accident, like a car accident.

What You Can Do: Remember that medical trauma center statistics show that the vast number of accidental injuries are preventable. Teach your child street smarts, how to drive safe, how to be safe around electrical appliances, jump on the trampoline only when it has netting and not in the dark with 10 other pals, and not to answer the cordless phone in the bath! Building physical courage muscles can help prepare a child to cope with injury, develop the kind of flexibility to move quickly, and build the necessary confidence to recover from physical challenges. Practice some of our 5-Minute Courage Workouts on how to navigate the neighborhood, play with fire, and stay home alone safely.

4. The Fear: I’m afraid my child won’t fit in socially or will get picked on.

What You Can Do: Experts say that children who experience violence at home are more apt to bully others, so it’s important to never treat your child violently or allow others to do so. Empower your child through physical courage building exercises like enrolling in self-defense or martial arts classes. Teach them to be the kind of morally courageous bystander who does the right thing, and how to use some of the social courage muscles associated with humor/deflection/ assertion/friendship, etc. when targeted by a bully themselves.

5. The Fear: I’m afraid my child will have weight problems such as obesity or anorexia.

What You Can Do: The good news is that you can help protect your child from the dangers of obesity. Nobody — not your child’s doctor, not her gym teacher, not the director of the school lunch program, not even your child herself — has as much control over what she eats and how she spends her time as you do. When we feel healthy and happy with our own bodies, and speak about ourselves in self-accepting/self-loving ways, our children learn to feel and do the same. When peers or the press seem to be exerting unusual or unkind body image pressure, move in and advocate, support, and strengthen your child’s self-esteem and emotional, social and physical courage through your parent-child connection.

Now, let’s hear from you! What’s your monster’s name and how do you tame your fear?

What is Emotional Courage?

admin — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Compiled and written by Lisa and Jennifer:

This is the fifth in the “Six Types of Courage” that we will explore in-depth here on Lion’s Whiskers. We hope you’ve already had the chance to read over our page called “The Six Types of Courage” for a brief overview of our definitions. The examples we give for each type of courage may apply to your children and/or to you — when you are reading this post please keep in mind that some of these examples may involve taking “baby steps” on your way to emotional courage! Every step towards courage is both worthwhile and important.

Emotional Courage

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”— Elie Wiesel

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” — Thornton Wilder

Emotional courage is being open to feeling the full spectrum of emotional experience, both positive and negative. Oftentimes, the terms “emotions” and “feelings” are used interchangeably, but it’s worthwhile to be more precise. A simplistic, but helpful distinction between emotion and feeling is as follows:

· Emotion is the complex psychophysiological experience combining our internal (biological) response to external (environmental) stimuli.

· As that emotion crosses the threshold between unconscious to conscious awareness, the verbal and non-verbal language of “feelings” comes into play as we engage higher, prefrontal cortical processes to seek to understand, label, express, suppress, and/or make choices based on the lower and middle brain regions’ generation of core emotions. All emotions evoke feelings, but not all feelings evolve from core emotions. Some feelings are subtle variations like ecstasy which is related to joy, or melancholy which relates to sadness. Other feelings are associated with the states between core emotions and are not directly traced to one core emotion as opposed to another.

For example: let’s say there is a loud crashing sound, a stimulus which triggers an emotion. Immediately, the pulse accelerates, the breathing quickens, and a number of other physiological things happen in a cascade without our conscious participation. Then the mind creates a feeling based on thoughts about that stimulus: “Hooray, the fireworks are starting!” or “Oh no, the scaffolding collapsed!”

Researchers such as Paul Ekman and Antonio Damasio posit approximately ten core emotions: anger, fear, sadness, enjoyment, disgust, surprise, contempt, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and awe. Some are genetically-driven. Others (like compassion, admiration, pride which may also share some of the same core emotion attributes) are social adaptations based on genome potentiality. The most universal are happiness, sadness, anger, fear, and disgust. All are associated with biological intelligence and a drive to survive.

Our emotions are an evolutionary adaptation to help support our survival. At a highly unconscious level, the limbic system generates the physical arousal associated with each emotion. Once an emotion intensifies, thoughts begin to form about the emotion, cognition is engaged, and behaviors are generated to deal with the emotion and the needs that must be met.

Feelings can help guide us back to the core emotion we are experiencing; they can help answer our need for connection, wellness, and ultimately survival. Emotional intelligence is, in essence, a study and practice devoted to supporting human insight and evolution based on emotional awareness. We start at birth: babies are born with the capacity for fear, anger, sadness, and joy! Then we begin to learn the over 4,000 words devoted to the feelings that flow from our core emotions and experiences in life!

Here are some helpful resources with feelings broken down into positive and negative emotion.

For children: A list of feeling words
For teens: A list of feeling words
For parents: A chart of feeling words that relates feelings to core emotion & A list of feeling words

We can teach our children to become emotionally intelligent by giving them the language of feelings, modeling healthy emotional expression, pointing out the various thoughts/facial expressions/body reactions associated with core emotions, and honoring their feelings as signposts of underlying emotion linked with core needs. We can observe what is happening in our body, our facial expressions (or those of others) for example, as signposts of core emotions and secondary feelings.

What we are suggesting by emotional courage, is being willing to be vulnerable, truthful, and aware of your conscious experience of core emotions, which you think about and express often in language as feelings. When we choose to ignore, suppress, or deny our emotion, we risk a reduction of insight, leading to faulty decision-making, inaccurate mental representation of our experience, and/or even failure to ensure or restore homeostasis and thus ensure our survival.

Unfortunately, we can’t have only positive emotions — it’s a package deal. But, we can choose where to place our attentional focus. According to Martin Seligman and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (2000) pioneers in the field of Positive Psychology, when we shift our attentional focus from fear, for example, to experiences that are associated joy or “flow” (an intrinsically rewarding, completely focused, motivation in performance or learning that evokes joy, rapture, and renewed energy for the task at hand) the happier we become. For example, shifting your focus to gratitude may be one of the easiest ways to diminish irrational fear that results in feelings we label “worry.”

Emotional courage also means loving yourself, being proud of yourself, and believing that you are worthy of love and happiness. Essentially, it is related to self-acceptance, coupled with a willingness to move outside our comfort zone, to explore new ways of being that may not be familiar. It also seems related to the quest for self-realization and fulfillment. Emotional courage requires digging around and uprooting the tangible and mostly intangible sources of fear resulting in anxiety, worry, sorrow, and depression that can poison the proverbial wellspring of joy. Happiness is the buzz word most associated with emotional courage—having the courage to be unconditionally happy.

Emotional courage means being willing to give your heart without expecting anything in return. Remember Princess Di visiting with AIDS patients in early years of the epidemic, listening to their stories, holding their hands, meeting their gaze without turning away? If your daughter dreams of princesses, tell her what a real princess did.

Here’s a fantastic video from the TED.com site that speaks to emotional courage in a thoughtful and often funny way. It’s about 20 minutes long. If you don’t have time for it now, please come back to it later. You’ll be glad you did.

helping friends grieve a loss

confronting a family member about abuse or addiction

crying in a therapist’s office

making friends at sleep away camp, even when you know you might never see them again

taking in an injured animal

forgiving someone you love

laughing so hard the tears come

expressing gratitude

crying without embarrassment

helping a stranger who is in distress

public displays of affection

maintaining eye contact and smiling

working as a social worker, counselor or emergency medical personnel

Lack of emotional courage looks like:

looking away, avoiding eye contact
walking away from an “emotional” situation
covering up or suppressing an emotional response, such as crying
laughing off, mocking, or otherwise dismissing someone else’s emotional response
begrudging someone else’s success or happiness
embracing the victim role
numbing feelings through overuse of drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, food, etc.
losing your temper and lashing out at others
blaming others for faults or failures that you are covering up in yourself
avoiding self-reflection, even after a loved one expresses heartfelt concern
kicking the dog
never being willing to be alone
checking out of your life through obsessive behaviors like excessive t.v. watching, shopping,

Emotional courage sounds like:

“I can do it!”
“I can’t do it — yet!”
“Congratulations! I am so happy for your success!”
“I love _______ about you.”
“Thank you!”
“I’m angry right now but I know it won’t last forever!”
“I can see you’re angry at me right now and that’s okay.”
“I’m good at ___________.”
“Let me help you.”
“I feel___________.”
“You are amazing/awesome/special.”
“I’m worthy of love.”
“I love you.”
“Are you okay? Would you like to talk?”

Lack of emotional courage sounds like:

“I don’t like talking about my feelings.”
“Boys don’t cry.”
“You’re too big to cry.”
“I never get angry!”
“I’m bored.”
“Don’t be sad, I hate it when you’re sad!”
“Get over it!”
“It’ll just make me feel worse if I talk about it, and I don’t want to feel that.”
“You’re fine.”
“Oh, grow up!”
“I can’t.”
“I won’t talk until you control yourself.”
“You’re getting carried away as usual!”
“Why do good things always happen to other people?”

Grab Some Lion’s Whiskers!
Here are some tips for developing emotional courage for you and your kids:

set goals
try acting! Acting out feelings can help you get used to feeling your feelings. Role play scenarios your kids may be currently facing
learn from your mistakes without punishing yourself or making yourself “bad” or feeling guilty
practice gratitude by saying blessings at meals (religious or secular), sending thank you notes, making thank-you phone calls, etc.
find a service project that has meaning for your family
give your kids meaningful jobs to do at home so they can feel they can make an important contribution to the family
acknowledge your own power to choose happiness
tell a friend what particular quality makes their friendship special to you
develop healthy habits: exercise regularly, eat a balanced diet, minimize the use of alcohol and/or other stimulants/depressants that are often used to numb feelings, and cause psychological, social, or occupational distress and stress
tell stories that call upon a wide range of emotions
decide on some emotional courage challenges and support each other in their pursuit

Here is a quick “Emotional IQ” test on Discovery Health.
You can also find a number of useful questionnaires on the Authentic Happiness page.

What are your ideas about emotional courage, your parenting tips to promote it with kids, or your favorite emotional courage story (fiction or non-fiction)? We’d love to hear from you!

Here are some posts on the blog that are related to emotional courage: Getting to the Heart of Courage, Chapter One: Jennifer and the Lovely K., Defining Courage for Yourself, Two Parables from Rumi, Courage as an Antidote to Fear, Healthy Attachment Between Parent and Child, Sharing Family Stories, Let’s Start at the Beginning…Childbirth, The Chemical Soup called LOVE,
My Hansel and Gretel Moment, 10 Tips for Talking About the Tough Stuff With Kids,
Bonding with Baby, The Way We Hold Our Babies, Raising a Leader, I HEART Snuggling, Never Can Say “Good-Bye”?, I Can’t Do It. Yet. , The Flyaway Lake, , Quitters, Campers, and Climbers: Which One are You?, The Black Belt Wall, My Year of Living Fearlessly, Running Plan B

Here’s more on the types of courage:
What is Physical Courage?
What is Social Courage?
What is Intellectual Courage?
What is Moral Courage?
What is Spiritual Courage?

Sources:

Damasio, A. (1994). Descartes Error: Emotion, reason, and the human brain. NY: A Grossman/Putnam Book.

Lane, R. & Nadel, L. (Eds.). (2000). Cognitive neuroscience of emotion. NY: Oxford University Press, Inc.

Prinz, J. (2004). Gut reactions: A perceptual theory of emotion. NY: Oxford University Press, Inc.

Seligman, M. (2000). Positive psychology. In Gillham, J. (Ed.). The science of optimism and hope: Research essays in honor of Martin E.P. Seligman. (pp. 415-430). Radnor, PA: Templeton Foundation Press.

Defining Courage for Yourself

admin — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

A few days after Jennifer and I start talking about writing about courage, her daughter (K.) and my own (B.) are seated at our kitchen table sharing snacks and huddled together over my daughter’s new iPod. I ask them, “Do you mind if I ask you a couple questions about courage?” We’ve had a few discussions about what courage means since I started researching its origins for this blog. I find I get more thoughtful, and willing, answers to my questions when I check in with my kids if it is a good time for them…and if they understand the meaning of my questions. I ask Jennifer’s daughter, the lovely K., first. “Do you think B. has courage?” K. answers emphatically, “Yes!”

I probe further, “Can you give me an example?” She continues, “Yeah…the time she volunteered at Tae Kwon Do to do her form in front of the whole class.” I ask K. if she thinks that she, too, has courage. “No,” is her response. B. immediately chimes in, “Yes, you do! You have so much courage. To come here from another country, when you were adopted, without knowing anyone or even the language!” K., ever the adoring friend, says “It’s the same as you, B. You came here from Canada.” B. challenges K. further to recognize her immense courage by saying, “K. when I moved here, I knew my family, I knew the language.” It’s as if, viewing oneself through the narrow prism of a friend’s achievements, we are unable to recognize our own strengths, our own accomplishments—especially when our friend is able to do things we are not yet unafraid to do.

I chime in, “It sounds like you both can think of at least a few times when you both showed courage. It seems like you are both courageous in your own ways.” They glance at each other momentarily and smile, their sisterly love unequivocal, and get back to their snacks and game.

It seems important when defining a word like courage, to define its meaning in our own lives. We must be careful not to minimize the moments we’ve displayed the qualities of courage by comparing our ‘mental or moral strength’ with another’s. What requires courage in you may be significantly different for me. In addition, we may undermine ourselves and others by failing to recognize the strength that a particular task, choice, or feat may require. One of the best things about a having a friendship like K. and B. is that your friend is not only someone who likes you; but someone who knows you enough to recognize the moments when you’ve needed mental or moral strength—even when you yourself may not. Such a friend is often the one who cheers you on from the sidelines appreciating what it takes for you to conquer a fear, stand up for what you believe in, or endure something difficult. Everyone deserves such a friend, and especially such a parent, cheering us on!

Dr. Lisa’s Parent Coaching Tip:

Before you read on, answer the question for yourself—and ask your child—“What does the word courage mean to you?” Define the word for yourself and your family. Share your definition(s) in our comments section!

Reflect on times in your life when you’ve shown courage. Share these stories with your kids over dinner together. Highlight courageous moments in your child’s life, too.

Decide if it is a value that is important to your family. Why? Notice, in the coming days, moments when you or your child display courage.

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