Saying “I’m sorry” takes emotional and moral courage.  Learning about the true purpose and importance of making an apology begins and ends with empathy.

• Toddler: play I Spy the Feeling! while people-watching on your adventures around town today, or in the books you read together at bedtime, play-act different feelings with a puppet, or sing a five-minute rendition of “If You’re Happy And You Know It” about feelings and act-out the matching body language. The child who can say, “I’m mad!” is less likely to become so frustrated he/she will strike out.  If he/she does strike out, let them know “That hurt! If we hurt someone, we say ‘I’m sorry’.” If you do something hurtful accidentally, like stepping on a tiny toe or bumping into each other, look your toddler in the eye and say “I’m sorry I stepped on your toe.  Are you okay?” Just like please and thank you, I’m sorry can now begin to be part of your child’s developing vocabulary.
• Preschooler: play the Let’s Take Turns game.  Sharing is an important first step in building the kind of empathy and self-control associated with social and moral courage.  Use a kitchen timer, if necessary, to help your child and his/her brother, sister, or friend take turns with a toy (you can practice with your child first, too)—don’t start with one of their favorite toys and keep the time limit short (2-5 minutes each to start)!  Allow them the opportunity for success.  Have them each pick two toys they’d like to practice sharing. At the start of the game, say “We’re going to play a sharing game today so you both get a chance to play with these toys.  We are going to use a timer and when your turn is done, you give the toy to Sam and you give your toy to Ella.”  At the end of the time, say “It’s time to share your toy.  After their turn, you will get another chance to play with it.” Use praise. “I noticed that as soon as the timer rang, you both shared your toys.  What caring friends you are to share! Now everyone has a chance to play with the toy today.”  If one or the other child grabs the toy before the end of the time, make sure he/she knows to say “I’m sorry I took the toy” and returns it.  Start the timer again. 
• Early elementary student: your child’s cognitive development has now progressed to the stage he/she is able to empathize.  The world of right and wrong is now viewed through black and white lenses.  Deepening your child’s understanding that not everyone experiences everything he/she does in the same way will be important now.  For example, you may hear your child say “Well, I didn’t mean to break your cup, slam the door, etc. It was an accident!”  It will be important to teach your child that even if something is an accident, their behavior has an effect.  Letting our child off the hook at this stage (when they have done something wrong), and continuing to let them off the hook as they mature, may be the very reason some adults on Wall Street have yet to take responsibility for their actions and the consequences.  Children at this age are now becoming aware that they may have made a mistake or done something hurtful, but being worried about what others think of them may cause them to be shy about saying “I’m sorry” and/or taking responsibility for their action.  Start with a 5-minute review of classroom and family rules.  Discuss together over dinner tonight these two questions: “Why are rules important?”  “Why is saying ‘I’m sorry’ important?”
• Upper elementary student or ‘tween: you may be hearing a lot of “I’m sorry…OKAY?!” at this stage.  Many kids are usually more than familiar with the throw-away version of the apology, couched in sarcasm and not an ounce of regret.  Here’s where parents can get creative and encourage children to brainstorm ways to “make amends” for their misdeed to get the full-impact of what an apology is really about.  One evening this week, consider spending five minutes writing together, on small slips of paper, something you would like to apologize for (be specific) but haven’t had the courage yet to do so.  The goal is to get any free-floating guilt on paper, whether or not you follow through immediately with the apology or not.  Then, share with one another your misdeed and intended apology. Discuss some of the barriers standing in your way: embarrassment, too much time has passed, fear of being judged/excluded, not really liking the person you hurt, etc. Decide together if the true forgiveness needed is actually self-forgiveness?  Or does a phone call need to be made, a note written to the special someone you wish to apologize, or simply a behavior changed? 
• High schooler or teen: by the time our kids are teenagers, there are usually plenty of opportunities to apologize to our kids—heck we’re all hormonal by this stage!  On your drive to work, walking the dog, or just before bed spend five minutes reflecting on something you may have done that you would like to apologize for.  Now apologize.  For example, “Kyle, I’m sorry I said how stinky your socks were in front of your friends.  I am aware that I thought I was being funny, but noticed you may actually have been embarrassed.  I’m sorry for saying something potentially embarrassing about you.  I will be more mindful in the future to wait until we are alone together to suggest you use the foot odor spray we bought for your shoes. I hope you can accept my apology.” Then, make sure you follow through with said behavior change so your teen will, too!

Guilt is a powerful psychological mechanism that warns us when something is wrong, amiss, out of balance, or that a mistake’s been made.  Guilt’s purpose is to help us correct our course and move forward unburdened.  Sometimes saying “I’m sorry” is the first step to unburdening.  Oftentimes, however, when we are forced to say “I’m sorry” prematurely or without a complete understanding of what these two short, but powerful, words actually mean, we can transform guilt into shame.  Shame has a nasty way of keeping us stuck in the same behaviors that got us into trouble in the first place, and we end up feeling unworthy, suffer from low self-esteem, and can become socially isolated. As a parent, you are a powerful role model for your child to learn loving communication, assertiveness, and how to use his/her voice to express concern, care, and culpability (when necessary). 

Working on these skills may call upon different types of courage, depending upon your child’s particular strengths and/or temperament.  For example, asking some children to apologize may take emotional courage, for others social courage to do the same task. Review the Six Types of Courage to figure out which types your child needs to complete this workout.

So, what do you do if your child is no longer a babe in arms?  How do you continue to nourish his/her brain’s right hemisphere, not to mention your own, to promote emotional intelligence and overall well-being?  In Western culture, we tend to overvalue and over-emphasize left hemispheric learning.  Therefore, to keep nurturing right hemispheric health and the connection between you and your child, I have adapted Jill Bolte Taylor’s (2006) and Rick Hanson’s (2009) recommendations for right-brain health.  A brain in balance increases the likelihood for physical, emotional, social, and mental health.

v     Be present.  Notice when your mind is elsewhere, bring it back to the present moment.  Easy ways to become more present: sit down and put your feet up for five minutes, look around at your surroundings, gaze into your child’s eyes as he/she is speaking, notice your breath breathing you—in and out, in and out, in and out.  Straighten your posture to wake your body up. Do a few gentle neck or shoulder rolls.  Imagine you have roots growing from the bottom of your feet grounding you in this moment.  Ask your child to imagine strong roots extending through their feet deep into the ground. Now try to lift him/her or ask someone to try and lift you…you might be very surprised by the power of your mind! 

v     Touch.  Offer your child a manicure or pedicure, or ask for one.  Hold your child’s hand on a walk.  Massage each other’s feet at bedtime while telling one another about your day.  Snuggle your child in your left nook.  Offer a kiss!  Touching the lips stimulates the parasympathetic branch, the calming side, of the autonomic nervous system. 

v     Look for Beauty.  Fill your home with art, music, flowers, aroma therapy…anything that your eyes, ears, mouths love to feast on that fills your hearts with joy.

v     Eat, Drink, and Be Merry. Good nutrition is the foundation for brain health.  Try not to skip meals and become over-hungry—a big trigger for mood meltdowns.  Make dinner together.  Cook to your favorite music.  Decorate the table as if it is a special occasion, even if it’s just Meatball Monday or Tofu Tuesday. Make spaghetti and eat it with your hands.  What we eat results in positive or negative feelings and thoughts—it’s up to you.  Under your paediatrician/physician’s guidance, take a good multivitamin (complete with B vitamins) and an Omega-3 Fatty acid supplement. 

v     Play.  Find games or activities that fill you up and that your kids love, too.  The goal is to have fun, laugh…not to raise the bar even higher and feel like you’re not a good enough parent because you don’t play enough.  Scrabble’s not your thing, try bananagrams.  Puzzles make your head hurt, try jumping on the trampoline or bed. Play Pat-a-Cake or make up your own secret family handshake.

v     Be Creative.  Finger paint, draw each other’s body outline, make cookies and handle the dough with your hands, play music, make a collage of pictures and words that represent your goals and visualize your family’s future, dance, do a few yoga moves, knit, sing, hum—you don’t need to be an “artist” to be creative and inspire your kids’ creativity!

v     Get all the information FIRST.  I often remind myself and my kids to “get all the information first, before freaking out.”  Inevitably, when we are able to do so, we slow down our emotional reactivity significantly enough to be able to respond much more proactively, calmly, and accurately to the situation at hand. Remember, it only takes as little as 90 seconds to change your biochemistry response to any situation.  So, count to 90 and get all the information before making a decision. 

v     Start with “YES”, then move to “NO”.  This suggestion relates to getting all the information.  When stressed, we are apt to shut down our kids’ requests with an abrupt “No!” Instead, respond, “Yes, I hear you.  I need to think about your question.  Please ask me again in 5 mins. when I can give you a thoughtful answer.”  OR “Yes, I hear that you want to visit X, let’s look at the calendar to decide when the best time would be.”

v     Call a friend.  Listen more talk less.  Ask for help.  Feel your feelings.  Be brave and share what makes you feel vulnerable.  

v     Love.  Notice something you love about yourself. Notice something that you love about your child today.  Something that makes you feel especially proud of or appreciative about in him/her.  Heart-to-heart communication strengthens emotional intelligence skills like empathy and compassion.

v     Smell.  Close your eyes and breathe in the sweetness of your child’s smell.  Spritz yourself or your house with your favorite non-synthetic scents like lavender or rose, lemongrass or jasmine. 

v     Take a Bath.  Lie in silence under the water with your ears suspended in sound deprivation.  Or, fill the tub with bubbles and make bubble sculptures.

v     Take a walk in the woods.  There is no better place to feel present, to tune-up your tired senses, or connect with your child, than in nature.

v     Send a prayer. Think of someone you love.  Picture them in your mind’s eye.  Send them this prayer:

May you be safe.

May you be healthy.

May you be happy.

May you live with ease.

Try any of our 5-Minute Courage Workouts, too, to help boost your Six Types of Courage Quotient! 

It turns out that as important as the skin-to-skin contact we have with our babies in their early years, is the way we hold them.  Unrelated to handedness and widespread across cultures, mothers cradle their babies on the left side.  Even chimps and gorillas favor the left arm hold.  Why, you ask?  Apparently, a few researchers have found that the left-cradling tendency promotes right hemisphere-to-right hemisphere communication between mother and child (Manning et al., 1997; Harris, Almergi, & Kirsch 2000).

The right hemisphere is not only deeply connected with the autonomic nervous system, but is also specialized in perception, the recall of spatial patterns of touch in nonverbal memory, and facilitates affective information necessary for normal brain maturation.  What’s important to know about the right hemisphere is that as the dominant emotional processing center, it controls vital functions that enable human beings to maintain a homeostatic state to support both survival and help cope with stressors. Right hemispheric dominance in terms of facial recognition, emotional information processing, and limbic system homeostasis suggests that both emotional and social intelligence—intrinsic to the development of courage—are dependent on right hemisphere stimulation and maturation through secure attachment. 

From the first moments that an infant is held, the holder is not only engaging the already on-line limbic system’s amygdalae (hence an infant’s early startle response); but right-to-right hemispheric communication also supports analysis of information conveyed directly from the body.  That is to say, when an infant is experiencing discomfort, or some immunological response, his/her cues to us are best received and recognized through right-to-right hemispheric communication. Schore (1994) proposes that secure attachment relationships directly influence the development of right brain psychosocial–neuroendocrine–immune communications which, in turn, directly affect a child’s coping capacities.  Think back to the first moments that you held your child, did you hold them with your left arm or your right?

The next time your daughter is playing with her dolls, if she does that kind of thing, check out how she holds her doll.  Not your son, though, this appears to be a uniquely maternal instinct. 

Emotional Courage

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”—  Elie Wiesel

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” — Thornton Wilder