infancy – Lion's Whiskers

The Prototype of Courage

admin — Thu, 10 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Here’s another reason why sharing stories that illustrate all six types of courage with your kids may be a very constructive project. As children develop and acquire language, they are actively engaged in concept formation (which of course began in infancy). What is “dog” or “chair” or “jumping” or “soft”? These are all concepts that are learned through exposure to a wide variety of examples. Each exposure helps the child refine the prototype, the essence or ideal, if you will, of “dog” “chair” “jumping” and “soft” based on what is common among all the examples of the concept.

It works like this: If a child has experience of many different sorts of dogs, her prototype of the concept “dog” may end up as something of medium stature, with an affectionate nature and an appetite for long walks – something like a Labrador retriever (not surprisingly one of the most popular of breeds.) Generic or stylized signs for dogs generally show an animal of medium stature and average proportions, rather than a wasp-waisted whippet or a low-slung Basset hound. If the child sees primarily Chihuahuas and Yorkshire terriers, her prototype might be something decidedly smaller, more nervous, and more inclined to sit on laps than your average Labrador. (I am reminded of an anecdote I heard recently about a young boy whose mother was a lawyer with many women attorneys in her social set; the son disdained the idea of practicing law as a career since it was something “only girls do.”)

If children form a prototype of the concept “courage” based on a narrow range of examples (e.g. only police officers or soldiers or firefighters) might they find it harder to recognize other types of courage in themselves or others? I can’t find any academic studies supporting this, but it would certainly be an interesting investigation.

As I wrote earlier in a post on more evidence on the power of stories, researchers find more sophisticated “theory of mind” in children who listen to or read a lot of stories. Theory of mind is the ability to imagine what might be going on in another person’s head. Some researchers contend that theory of mind may be critical to forming certain concepts. For an abstract concept such as “courage” it may be necessary for a child to imagine the mental states of different people undergoing challenges. In other words, theory of mind may allow a child to infer that a given situation is frightening or difficult for another person, and thus allow additional material for forming the prototype of “courage.”

A recent article in Psychology Today also proposes that imagining other people’s choices clarifies our own. When faced with a choice we have never had to make before, we summon our mental prototype of a person who would made that choice. If that prototype is something we aspire to (i.e. courageous action), we may make the choice in a way that matches the prototype. Much as many Evangelical Christians use the motto, “What would Jesus do?”to guide their decisions, we prompt ourselves to conform to a standard that we wish to match. If we have allowed ourselves and our children to form a prototype that encompasses all six types of courage, can we hope that we will be better able to rise to the challenge when it meets us on the path, in whatever form it takes? If courage resides in the hearts of such diverse heroes as Horatio, Br’er Rabbit, and Lady Godiva, the prototype of courage our children take with them through their lives may be as nuanced as our complex world requires.

Raising a Good Citizen of the World

admin — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +0000

“I’ve learned that courage and compassion are two sides of the same coin, and that every warrior, every humanitarian, every citizen is built to live with both. In fact, to win a war, to create peace, to save a life, or just to live a good life requires of us—every one of us—that we be both good and strong.”

~ Eric Greitens, Author of The Heart and The Fist: The Education of a Humanitarian, The Making of a Navy Seal (2011)

So, what’s a parent to do to help raise a good citizen in this world?
Let’s face it our kids need to be equipped to be able handle increasingly complex moral issues involving a multitude of cultures participating together in a global economy (stacked precariously on questionable foundations), with exponential population growth, and environmental concerns that don’t leave any corner of our globe unaffected. The ripple effect of our daily decisions from how treat our neighbor, to whether to vote or not, to where we spend our money, to how we deal with our garbage now send ripples farther and wider than ever before in history. Learning to solve our planet’s problems in sustainable, cooperative ways is more important than ever!

Here are Dr. Lisa’s suggestions to consider:

Nurture a strong, secure, and loving bond with your child from infancy through adolescence. Through this bond, you can become a powerful mentor for your child—especially during tough times.
Show empathy and compassion for others. Share out loud your curiosity about how others feel, think, believe, and live. Make it okay to discuss differences and notice all the similarities the human family shares.
Offer lots of opportunities through family time and socialization opportunities for your child to develop care and concern for others, their community, and the environment.
Model the values you wish your child to embrace: honesty, kindness, etc.
Define the values that matter to you as a family, notice them in your everyday life,  discuss why they are important to you? Pick a value a week, like those Lion’s Whiskers associates most with moral courage:

·         Loyalty

·         Trust

·         Honesty

·         Integrity

·         Accountability

·         Responsibility

·         Fairness

·         Impartiality

·         Justice.
Show self-discipline in creating the kind of life you wish them to emulate.
Teach goal-setting and decision-making skills.
Discuss and weigh the pros and cons associated with simple and complex moral dilemmas involving not only “right vs. wrong,” but also even more complicated “right vs. right” or “wrong vs. wrong” scenarios.
Show respect for yourself and others, especially your children.
Put the Six Types of Courage into action—let your child witness you walking your talk, taking personal responsibility, and having the courage to stand up for what you believe in.
Embrace a multicultural perspective for what is good and right in this world—you don’t have to eat, marry, or pray like others, but you can still model respect and tolerance for differences. You can venture to be curious about, seek to understand, and even embrace different cultural beliefs as appropriate.
Model what a good citizen is for your child, and work together to make your family, community, and the world-at-large a better place to live. Seek out lots of opportunities to do good and be charitable in the world together.
Pick a cause you believe in to contribute your time, money, signatures, and care to as a family.
Praise your child when they act in ways that are moral, good, and in sync with your family values.
Provide a community of like-minded friends, family members, teachers, religious and/or civic leaders for your child to learn from.
Tell stories from your own life or those of moral courage heroes you respect.
Read traditional moral tales (this is a link to Jennifer’s bookshelf) and discuss the life lessons they understand imbedded within the story. Jennifer regularly provides tales to choose from in her previous posts, too! Just click on this link to find a treasure trove of moral courage stories to share. Help them put into their own words the moral of the story, see if they can offer an example from their own life when they’ve had to “never give up,” “do the right thing,” “tell the truth,” or “be loyal to a friend”. Highlight future opportunities for them to put into practice the particular value you wish them to emulate. Narvaez, Gleason, Mitchell, and Bentley (1999) caution parents and teachers that simply reading moral stories to children does not guarantee their understanding of the core moral message. In the imagination of a five year-old, a story like The Little Engine That Could (1930), the “Little Engine” could be faced with the nonmoral theme (one highly related to courage) of simply never giving up. A nine year-old reader, on the other hand, may relate to the underlying moral lesson pertaining to importance of perseverance in order to help others. As children mature, and their prefrontal cortex continues to develop into young adulthood, they are capable of increasingly complex interpretations and better able to identify complex moral dilemmas and a story’s underlying moral message.

For more guidance about how to help your child become a responsible citizen, Navaraez (2005) helped develop this downloadable book, thanks to funding from the U.S. Department of Education and the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001.

How are you raising your child to be a good citizen? We’d love to hear your ideas, too!

Let’s Start at the Beginning…Childbirth

admin — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

What does our child’s birth have to do with courage? Birth triggers similar neurological mechanisms and the release of many of the same neurochemicals associated with courage. If you don’t think it takes courage to give birth, to adopt a child, or unconditionally love another human being then stop reading right now!

Let’s start at the beginning. I didn’t have the “perfect birth” with either of my kids. READ: quick, soothing music, no emergency interventions and/or numbing chemical infusions, surrounded by family/friends/a birthing coach/midwife/massage therapist all focused on giving me exactly what I needed when I needed it, maybe even at home! The kind of birth I’d read about in some of the baby and childbirth books I’d found. The kind of birth other expectant moms and I proudly and excitedly whispered to each other about having in our childbirth education class or whilst we stretched our swollen limbs together in prenatal yoga class. Or the “natural births” other moms bragged to me about at baby showers or in grocery store lineups where I was, yet again, buying the weirdest combinations of food to stave off my pregnancy cravings and nausea whilst ensuring a hefty weight gain. Well, maybe they weren’t bragging, but as a slightly competitive person myself (note the understatement) I definitely heard the brag. Honestly, I even skipped over the Cesearean sections in all the baby books. I figured: not going to happen to me, don’t need to read it! Boy, was I humbled and deeply grateful that an OB/GYN I trusted happened to be on-call.

That all said, when my kids ask about the day they were born, I fluff up my fur (a.k.a. my crazy curly hair) with pride, wrap them inside my protective lion mama arms, and whisper how I fell in love with them on the day they were born. I tell them how brave they were (in their own specific ways) and how their cries could be heard far and wide awakening the world to their arrival. How their dad and I wept with joy when we first saw them and heard their cry. But most of all, how grateful we are to know them, to witness them grow every day, and to be their parents. Turns out it’s the most “natural thing” in the world to love your child!

Just like the quest for the perfect wedding, it’s nice if everything goes according to plan and it doesn’t rain…but it’s the marriage that really matters. So, I worried about not having had the “perfect birth” for about as long as it took me to bond with my babies—not long. As soon as I was able to hold them, we quickly discovered we fit perfectly together. I was just happy that they, and I, had survived the whole experience! In large part due to my husband and aunt’s loving support. That’s the whole deal with bonding: it helps us survive. If we aren’t bonded as a species, why would we care enough to have the courage to save each other and our planet?

Friends of mine who’d been brave enough to walk the path of parenthood ahead of me taught me a valuable lesson: accept your experience—and your child for that matter—as the perfect learning for you. Other friends and clients of mine, who’d suffered the losses and, sadly, the self-recrimination sometimes associated with miscarriage, infertility, or even a C-section—as if these physical realities were personal failures instead examples of the arbitrariness of life—showed me the way to walk with courage over the hot coals of our own and others’ expectations, judgments, and often limited perspective about the learning deep in birth narrative.

The other thing you need to know about when I had babies: I had my basic needs (food, water, shelter, quality healthcare) provided for—and could therefore ensure my baby’s basic needs were met—and I had a loving partner (even if sometimes asleep) beside me. Many mamas on this planet don’t. Yet another reason to develop courage in ourselves and our children to share our plentiful resources with the rest of the planet, therefore ensuring the survival of our species.

When my babies were born, I wasn’t chronically or significantly stressed. Chronicity and intensity of stressors being correlated with a decrease in human resiliency. Like any new parent, I was stressed to the extent I could pay close attention to my own and my baby’s needs. My limbic-hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis (LHPA-axis) was releasing enough cortisol to boost my now-understood female “tend-or-befriend” responses (Taylor, et al., 2000). I had enough cortisol to boost not only my ability to form a secure attachment with my baby, but to boost his/her neurological development also. But I wasn’t stressed enough to prevent oxytocin’s ability to mediate the effects of the stress-hormone cortisol from stunting the parent-child bonding process. That’s why advice like “Nap when your baby naps,” or “Accept all the help you can get,” and anything else that helps take the stress level of becoming a parent down a notch, is good advice to heed.

When we are neurochemically in-balance (as much as is possible for any new parent), we are able to promote the bonding process. We are able to provide the necessary cues for emotional regulation that begins the process of ensuring we can be a secure base for our infant. Clients and friends of mine who have had to navigate the dark corridors of post-partum depression are often best-served by short-term psychotropic medication (i.e. an antidepressant) intervention at this stage, often combined with some psychotherapy to help ensure the effectiveness of the intervention. The good news: as long as those periods of emotional disregulation are brief and not chronic, the human being (whether in infancy or adulthood) is resilient to withstand such stress.

http://www.emotion.caltech.edu/courses/ss140/May8-1.pdf

Knudsen, E. (2004). Sensitive periods in the development of the brain and behavior.

Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience, 16, (8), 1412-1425. doi: 10.1162/0898929042304796

Palmer, L. (2002). Bonding matters: The chemistry of attachment. Attachment Parenting International News, 5,(2), 1-4. http://www.newbornbreath.com/downloads/Handouts/Chemistry%20of%20Attachment.pdf

Pilyoung Kim, P., Swain, J. (2007). Sad dads: Paternal postpartum depression. Psychiatry 4, (2), 35-47.

Porter, L. (2003). The science of attachment: The biological roots of love. Mothering, 119, 1-10.

http://mothering.com/parenting/the-science-of-attachment

Taylor, S.E., Klein, L.C., Lewis, B.P., Gruenewald, T.L., Gurung, R.A., & Updegraff, J.A. (2000). Biobehavioral responses to stress in females: Tend-and-befriend, not fight or flight. Psychological “Review”, 1073, 411-429. doi: 10.1037/0033-295X.107.3.411

Why Attachment is so Important in Learning Courage

admin — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

As a mom to newborn E. (my now 13 year-old son), I was ripe with the maternal love hormones prolactin and oxytocin. It’s one of the reasons new parents seem a bit dopey. Biochemicals like oxytocin, prolactin, and vasopressin, in particular, make maternal and paternal bonding possible. We are all, it turns out, wired for connection. In those early days with E. it didn’t really matter to me that there were specific centers of my brain, and highly elaborate neural mechanisms activated to ensure my maternal love, recognition of my baby, and the kind of protectiveness that promotes secure attachment. I was either blissfully oblivious or too darn tired to notice. Read on for some “good news!”

I now know that not only was it important that I received loving care and touch myself as an infant—particularly in the first six months of life—but having a secure attachment with my husband also helped immensely in coaxing him into the intense dyad that E. and I became. Those extended invitations for my husband to co-parent with me not only, it turns out, helped to ensure E.’s survival through their secure attachment—but has also proved to be an essential primary attachment and positive model of manhood for E. We had both already established our ability to receive and give love, and here in our arms was the perfect opportunity to put it all into practice.

The good news: As long as we got some good stuff during our first six months of life, chances are higher that we can learn to become good parents. I also want to be clear that though research shows a critical period of development in the first six months of life; our ability to learn to form attachments throughout the lifespan is by no means limited to that critical period, nor is it limited in the type of primary attachment figure necessary. Does it need to be said that this is inclusive of any type of loving parental relationship surrounding an infant, whether straight or gay, single or two-parent, married or not? Infants aren’t as discerning as our lawmakers—they just want our love!

Let’s review what attachment means. Essentially, it is the affective, cognitive, and behavioral relationship between typically a parent (or other loving caregiver) and a child that results in feelings of closeness, empathy, and understanding.

Also, while reading this post I’d like you to reassure you! I’d like you to think of attachment as a spectrum, on one end is the abandoned orphan who never had the chance to form a secure attachment with a loving, consistent caregiver. We all sadly learned about these orphans in news footage during the early 1990’s when Ceauşescu’s regime collapsed in Romania. Many of these orphans were later adopted into brave families throughout the world and have gone on to thrive because of their adoptive parents’ consistent, loving care. The orphans who were never held, barely fed, and exposed to a multitude of infectious diseases in their first six months rarely recovered a capacity to thrive developmentally, intellectually, and even more importantly for survival, interpersonally. In some cases, the neurological damage was permanent. That’s how extreme the depravity needs to be for a human being to cease learning to form secure attachments.

On the other end of the spectrum, nestled comfortably behind the proverbial picket fence, is the mother-father-infant triad with plenty of love, time, financial resources, community support, and health insurance—as if there is one perfect way to secure attachment learning in a child. Which there isn’t! Between these two extremes, we all find ourselves cobbling together our resources, knowledge, genetics and inborn temperament, family configuration, circumstances of our lives, and personal histories, spinning the wheel of life, and landing where we may on the spectrum with our child. It’s all just about learning how and continuing to form loving connections, which often takes emotional courage! We will be discussing throughout upcoming posts ways to promote and ensure parent-child secure attachment and sharing some inspiring examples from around the world!

Let’s be clear: Across the spectrum of attachment the vast majority of us continue to prove our remarkable resilience and neuroplasticity! Neuroplasticity meaning: the brain’s natural ability to form new connections in order to compensate for injury or changes in one’s environment.

Again, I want to reiterate that forming loving, secure attachments is vital for the survival of our species. Primary attachments, usually parents, help kids develop the kind of prosocial skills associated with social courage. (So do secondary attachments like those with our beloved aunties, uncles, grandparents, siblings, step-parents, foster parents, teachers, and other loving guides along the journey…more about these relationships in later posts). Social skills including:

self-calming skills
being aware of one’s own emotions
recognizing the feelings of others
being compassionate
impulse control
ability to make eye contact
sharing and turn-taking

Think of it like this: unless you experienced being cared about, why would you run into a burning building to show your altruistic care for another? Unless you learned, through the loving touch of another human being, to be calm during stress—how could you be compassionate and sensitive enough to soothe your own screaming child? Unless you have a strong bond with your child, how will you be able to encourage them to be brave when the going gets tough?

In my personal, professional, and parenting experience…securely attached kids are more confident to explore the world on their own, care more about themselves and others (including us as their parents), and are more apt to resist peer pressure and have the courage to take prudent risks in life. Contrary to many parents’ fears about spoiling their child, or raising a velcro-kid who grows into an adult-child who never wants to leave home; infused with our love, support, and courage-coaching, securely attached children grow into confident, caring, capable, and independent adolescents. But don’t just believe my word for it, here’s a list of the payoffs of raising securely attached kids.

When we ensure secure attachment between ourselves and our children through loving them, we do not spawn cling-ons. Being a secure attachment relationship for your child also doesn’t mean you need to be at home full-time, never let them out of your sight, or never lose your patience. It looks more like trusting your gut, loving your child, and doing your level best as a parent whatever the circumstances of your life. There are specific steps to forming secure attachments with children which I will be writing at-length about in this parenting blog.

As a parenting coach, I have the unique opportunity to help parents ensure that they are engaging in the kinds of behaviors, stimulating the kinds of neurochemicals necessary, and thinking the kinds of thoughts that trigger the hormonal chain reactions involved in forming secure attachments. More about the chemical soup we call love in my upcoming posts! If you have questions about attachment and/or an interest in parent-coaching, don’t hesitate to post a comment or contact me.

Here’s a sampler of what happens in the first year, in terms of infancy attachment. Read over the list as a way to understand infant development as it relates to bonding and the formation of secure attachments. I have shamelessly cut and paste from an informative and hopeful article by the son of the brains behind attachment theory, Sir Richard Bowlby (2007):

0 to 3 Months – A baby’s born with a number of functioning behavioral systems that will form the building blocks of later attachment behavior such as crying, clinging, looking, and sucking; and then a few weeks later they’re smiling and babbling, as well. From birth, babies have good hearing and sense of smell, which is how they discriminate one person from another, and they respond more favorably to a human voice, to a human face, and to human touch than to other such stimuli.

Newborn babies have a natural propensity to prefer and seek out stimuli that are familiar to them; and they may develop a preference for a familiar person to care for them early on. However, for the first two, or even three, months the infant has not developed proper attachment behavior and his attempts at social interaction are very primitive.

3 to 7 Months – After about three months, babies begin to differentiate between the people around them and they become selective about who they “socialize” with most. Mary Ainsworth writes: “One feature of attachment behavior that struck me especially was the extent to which the infant himself takes the initiative in seeking an interaction. At least from two [or more often three] months of age onwards, and increasingly through the first year of life, these infants were not so much passive recipients, as active in seeking interaction.”

This period from about three months to seven months is when the babies work out who’s who in their lives and increasingly select one person. It’s during this phase that most infants are in a high state of sensitivity for developing attachment behavior toward a “mother figure,” and her lively and sensitive response to the baby’s signals and approaches for interaction will be very important.

7 to 12 Months – When they’re six or seven months old, the infants become increasingly discriminating in the way they treat people and have a repertoire of responses including following a departing mother figure, greeting her on her return, and using her as a base from which to explore. Although the rather indiscriminate friendly response to everyone else diminishes, certain people are selected to become secondary attachment figures but not others. Although most babies show the beginnings of attachment behavior at six or seven months, the start may be delayed until after the first birthday, especially in infants who have little contact with their main attachment figure.

Source: http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=1279

Watch for Don Haln’s (2010) heartbreaking and inspiring documentary about Romanian orphans: http://handheldthemovie.com/

Share your tales of courage from parenthood! We want to hear from you!

Sources:

Beckett, C., Maughan, B., Rutter, M., Castle, J., Colvert, E., Groothues, C., Kreppner, J., & Stevens, S.,
         O’Connor, T., Sonuga-Barke, E. (2006). Do the effects of early severe deprivation on cognition
         persist into early adolescence? Findings from the English and Romanian adoptees study. Child
         Development, 77, (3), 696 – 711.

Bowlby, R. (2007). The secondary attachment: A look at Bowlby’s theory. The Journal of API. http://www.psych.ndsu.nodak.edu/hilmert/Classes/Psyc787/Week9/Taylor_2000.pdf

Dewar, G. (2008). The science of attachment parenting. Parenting Science. http://www.parentingscience.com/attachment-parenting.html

Noriuchi, M., Kikuchi, Y. & Senoo, A. (2008). The functional neuroanatomy of maternal love: Mother’s response to infant’s attachment behaviors. Biological Psychiatry, 63, 415–423.

Palmer, L. (2002). Bonding matters: The chemistry of attachment. Attachment Parenting International News, 5, (2), 1-4. http://www.newbornbreath.com/downloads/Handouts/Chemistry%20of%20Attachment.pdf

Riley, D., San Juan, R., Klinker, J., & Ramminger, A. (2008). Social & emotional development: Connecting science and practice in early childhood settings. St. Paul, MN: Redleaf Press

Why Attachment is so Important in Learning Courage

admin — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 00:00:00 +0000

self-calming skills
being aware of one’s own emotions
recognizing the feelings of others
being compassionate
impulse control
ability to make eye contact
sharing and turn-taking

Source: http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=1279

Watch for Don Haln’s (2010) heartbreaking and inspiring documentary about Romanian orphans: http://handheldthemovie.com/

Share your tales of courage from parenthood! We want to hear from you!

Sources:

Bowlby, R. (2007). The secondary attachment: A look at Bowlby’s theory. The Journal of API. http://www.psych.ndsu.nodak.edu/hilmert/Classes/Psyc787/Week9/Taylor_2000.pdf

Dewar, G. (2008). The science of attachment parenting. Parenting Science. http://www.parentingscience.com/attachment-parenting.html

Noriuchi, M., Kikuchi, Y. & Senoo, A. (2008). The functional neuroanatomy of maternal love: Mother’s response to infant’s attachment behaviors. Biological Psychiatry, 63, 415–423.

Riley, D., San Juan, R., Klinker, J., & Ramminger, A. (2008). Social & emotional development: Connecting science and practice in early childhood settings. St. Paul, MN: Redleaf Press

Healthy Attachment Between Parent and Child

admin — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

How I coach parents to nurture courage in their kids has a lot to do with attachment—which I understand to be the first step in nurturing courage development. Attachment being defined as psychological connectedness between human beings. A healthy attachment between parent and child provides for a child’s basic needs like food, water, shelter—our child’s survival being our most basic responsibility. The infant’s sole purpose is to survive with the help of a secure attachment with someone (ideally a parent) able to provide the kind of security, safety, and strength needed for protection. The secure someone (ideally an adult who is stronger and wiser) also has a complementary attachment behavior system (or internal working model of attachment) that activates in response to the infant/child and seeks to protect, particularly when a threat is present.

A healthy parent/caregiver-child attachment teaches a child the basics of human relationship and love, the willingness to try new things and develop intellectually, take risks, open their hearts and trust themselves and others, to develop a moral code, and ultimately to have courage in life. Researchers Popper & Amit (2009) have also found that secure attachment, along with low trait anxiety and openness to experience, is correlated with leadership development. Without secure attachment between a parent/caregiver and child in infancy and early childhood, a child is at risk for severe psychological, cognitive, social, and physiological consequences.

CAUTION: if you are a reader like me, a bit of a perfectionist and somewhat anxious about doing this whole parenting thing right…DON’T WORRY! Being a secure attachment for your child just means loving them, connecting with them through satisfying their primary senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, hearing), being reliable (at least most of the time), and not leaving them in a crib for the first six months of their lives to fend for themselves! Attachment theory and parenting tends to freak people like me out, but I just remember that there is no question I love my kids, am doing my best, and that there’s lots of room for making mistakes, recovering, and moving on together in the direction of love. Our children truly deserve our best, so they can become their best. Research shows we are doing a good job: the vast majority of infants and toddlers have secure attachments with their parents, and half of those without a secure attachment relationship at home have a secure attachment with an early childhood teacher/daycare provider.

While writing this post on a snowbound day with my kids, I asked my 13 year-old son, the product of all my training and real-life practice in attachment theory and attachment parenting, what he remembers of his earliest years. His response: “Nothing. Not a thing. Well…I do remember that day when we had to wait together in the playhouse for a really long time together until that hailstorm stopped. You stayed with me and didn’t leave. Yeah, that’s about all I remember.”

How do I know it’s okay that my son doesn’t remember those countless sleepless nights and hours logged wearing and breastfeeding him—basically responding consistently, lovingly to what felt like his every early childhood need? Well, he’s still alive, for one. He recognizes that even during hailstorms I’ll be there for him. He seems to be secure enough in our relationship to tell me the truth! Most importantly, he’s a confident, happy, caring, independent kid who has a pretty solid record of doing the right thing—even when I’m not looking. He also seems to be confident that I won’t flip out that he doesn’t remember any of it!

For a brief overview of attachment theory, one of the most well-researched, evidence-based, and influential theories in developmental psychology READ ON!

As with most trained family therapists, I learned about John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory. I reviewed his protégé Mary Ainsworth’s scholarly research and practical applications—particularly her observations about the concept of ‘security’ in relationship and the different types of secure and insecure attachments (secure, anxious-resistant insecure, anxious-avoidant insecure, or disorganized/ disoriented attachment). I also read the illuminating, devastating, and in some cases, remarkably hopeful research on Romania’s abandoned orphans; research that was the basis for the addition to the then-DSM III of a mental health disorder centering on symptoms associated with a ‘failure to thrive’, called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

For the purpose of parents wanting a practical understanding of attachment theory to help understand how best to nurture courage in our kids, I’ve taken the liberty to summarize (in my own words in parentheses)attachment therapist/researcher Susan M. Johnson’s review of the ten central tenets of attachment theory. I’m going to be writing a fair amount about how to ensure healthy attachment with our children—so I think it is a good idea to start with a basic understanding of the core tenets:

Attachment is an Innate Motivating Force (seeking and maintaining close contact with other human beings across our lifespan is an innate drive, primarily to ensure survival).

Secure Dependence Compliments Autonomy (as human beings, we are neither overdependent nor completely independent. The more securely attached we are the more confident and autonomous we become).

Attachment offers a Safe Haven (the presence of loved ones offers comfort and security in our lives, especially in response to a threat–i.e. hunger, loud noises, unfamiliar environment).

Attachment offers a Secure Base (secure attachments provide the base from which we may explore our surroundings and be cognitively open and reflective).

Accessibility and Responsiveness Builds Bonds (as a parent this means being both emotionally and physically present and responsive. Emotional regulation is also an important concept associated with responsiveness).

Fear and Uncertainty Activate Attachment Needs (the comfort and connection of an attachment figure is especially important when fear and/or threat are present).

The Process of Separation Distress is Predictable (angry protest, clinging, depression and despair result when attachment behaviors fail to evoke comfort and contact with attachment figures).

A Finite Number of Insecure Forms of Engagement Can be Identified (typically three types of pursuer-distancer behaviors result when attachment behaviors fail to produce the necessary comfort and connection sought: anxious preoccupied clinging, detached avoidance, and seeking closeness combined with fearful avoidance. The primary question we are asking of our attachment figure here is “Can I depend on you when I need you?”).

Attachment Provides Working Models of Self and Other (attachment strategies generally deal with how to process and cope with emotion. Secure attachment helps us learn self-love and love of another. It is associated with self-efficacy and a trust in other’s dependability. Once secure attachment is established, an individual develops cognitive schemas associated with goal-setting, life-affirming beliefs, and an emotional regulatory system that is more responsive than reactive.)

Isolation and Loss are inherently Traumatizing (stress-based habits and behavioral strategies result in response to the unmet needs and fear that trauma evokes. Bowlby’s (1969) fundamental research started with case studies of the effects of maternal deprivation and separation on child development. Bowlby (1988) himself, at age four, suffered the early loss of his beloved nanny; and had limited contact with his mother due to a traditional upper class British upbringing involving boarding school for most of his childhood).

To review, Bowlby’s (1969; 1988) theory shows that secure attachment includes the following characteristics:

(Courtesy of Kendra Cherry, http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/ss/attachmentstyle.html)

Naturally, once I started having my own kids, William and Martha Sears’ attachment parenting approaches appealed to me. Though I will admit that one particularly sleep-deprived night in our ‘family bed’, exhausted and fed up, I’m pretty sure I threw my copy of the Sears’ attachment parenting book across the room. Anything worth doing well, isn’t always easy. Stay tuned for more about attachment parenting in upcoming posts. Don’t worry…in future posts you’ll see lots about how to become and stay attached (whatever the age/stage of your child) whether you are a mom, dad, or other primary caregiver to a birth, step-, foster, or adopted child. If you have questions about attachment and/or an interest in parent-coaching, don’t hesitate to post a comment or contact me.

I’ll start with Sears’ seven “Baby Basics” to getting attached in my next posts.

Sources:

Ainsworth, M., Blehar, M., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Ainsworth, M. & Bowlby, J. (1965). Child Care and the Growth of Love. London: Penguin Books.

Bowlby, J. [1969], (1999). Attachment (2^nd ed.), Attachment and Loss (Vol. 1). New York: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: Clinical Applications of Attachment Theory. London: Routledge.
Goosens, F. & van IJzendoorn. (1990). Quality of infants’ attachments to professional caregivers: Relation to infant-parent attachment and day-care characteristics. Child Development, 61, 832-837.

Johnson, S. (2002). Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors. New York: Guilford Publications, Inc. (pp. 38-43).

Johnson, S. (2003). Introduction to attachment: A therapist’s guide to primary relationships and their renewal. In Johnson, S. & Whiffen, V. (Eds.)., Attachment Processes in Couple and Family Therapy. NY: The Guilford Press. (pp. 5-17).
Popper, M. & Amit, K. (2009). Attachment and leader’s development via experiences. The Leadership Quarterly, 20, 749-763.

Sears, W. & Sears M. (2001). The Attachment Parenting Book: A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby. NY: Little Brown and Company.