courage development – Lion's Whiskers

This Is Your Brain on Stories

admin — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I’ve offered a lot of traditional stories on Lion’s Whiskers over the last several months. How many of you are telling them to your kids? Maybe not a lot of you, and that’s okay! But I hope you have gathered something from these stories. What I hope you have picked up on is this: around the world, in every culture, people have been telling stories not simply for entertainment, but for creating metaphors for understanding their world. I also hope I can persuade you that some form of storytelling – whether with traditional narratives or your own “When I was a kid” yarns – can be a powerful parenting tool, and may help your kids to develop the six types of courage.

I’ve shared a lot of my own anecdotal observations about the power of storytelling, and posted lots of inspiring quotations about the role of stories in our lives. What’s fascinating and exciting is that cutting-edge brain science is beginning to back up the wisdom of the ages. Researchers from many disciplines are using fMRI brain scanning to investigate what actually happens in our brains when we listen to stories. The fields of advertising and journalism have always known how to harness the power of stories; but that power is now part of medical education and law schools, in tax compliance and political discourse, as part of proposed Alzheimer’s treatments, and part of the on-going discussion concerning whether an understanding of narrative can help explain wartime behaviors. Even the defense department is studying whether narrative approaches can help create military leaders with more moral courage.

I want to very briefly (as a layperson, children’s author, and researcher on the importance of story-telling in our culture) summarize some of the findings.

Humans are hardwired for narrative. Evidence is mounting that we are natural storytellers, not by training or by culture, but by biology. The creation of metaphors for understanding our experience is automatic, which helps explain why being presented with facts is often insufficient for decision-making. When we create metaphors for information and experience, they fit more readily into a narrative frame and allow us to imagine how the story might end. Researchers such as Paul Bloom at Yale University’s Mind and Development Lab study babies to figure out how the imagination makes information processing possible, and use puppet plays (stories) to study babies’ moral judgement. “Story,” writes brain scientist Mark Turner, “is a basic principle of mind. Most of our experience, our knowledge, and our thinking is organized as stories.”

. Oxytocin is released by stories. Oxytocin, the hormone associated with love and attachment, can be triggered by listening to stories. Oxytocin receptors are located in the pleasure centers of the brain; those stimuli that trigger the release of oxytocin (snuggling, for example) are the ones we seek rather than avoid. This tells us that listening to stories is an adaptation for survival. Oxytocin has also been linked to trust, empathy and moral behavior, and may thus be relevant for creating stable societies.

To an avid reader or storyteller, it’s stating the obvious to say that when we are immersed in a story, we feel excitement when the character feels excitement, grief when the character feels grief. We have all experienced the emotions of the characters we love, especially those with whom we empathize. But not only that, the areas of the brain that register motion are also stimulated when characters in story experience motion. When we say we are moved by a story, this is true in more ways than one. The brain lights up as if the listener (or reader) is actually in the story, fighting dragons and falling in love.

So how is this related to courage development in our children? Dr. Lisa has discussed oxytocin’s role in promoting attachment which contributes significantly to courage development and resiliency in children. If storytelling, too, triggers oxytocin release, then we can speculate that storytelling also has a role in both deepening the connection in secure attachment relationships and inspiring courage and moral development in our children. On top of that, we have the connection between fear and uncertainty: because storytelling is a human adaptation for interpreting and making sense of experience, it may help reduce uncertainty, and by extension, reduce fear. Stories offer us the opportunity for mental, imaginative, neurobiological rehearsal of experiences we may encounter in the future. Just as champion athletes use visualization techniques to ready themselves for the contest to come (a form of storytelling), we can use stories to prepare ourselves and our children for the challenges of the future.

Whether you retell the traditional stories I’ve offered on this blog, pick a book from my bookshelf to read your child, or you like sharing family stories and taking turns narrating your day’s events at dinnertime, stories are powerful, free and abundant. They are what make us human and inspire us all to have courage in life. As the Native American saying goes, “Take courage from the story.”

Wait for it… Wait for it!

admin — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount. ~ Clare Booth Luce

For nearly a year now we’ve been talking about the nature of courage and courage development in children, and talking about courage as the mechanism for activating other values or qualities (some might like the word “virtues.”) Today, here are my thoughts about one of those values, qualities or virtues: patience.

Patience can be activated by physical courage if it requires sitting still or restraining an impulse; it might be supported by emotional courage if it requires a belief in a loved one’s ability to fulfill a promise; it might be activated by spiritual courage if it requires willingness to live in uncertainty about purpose or meaning during chaotic times. I’m sure by now our faithful readers can extrapolate their own examples for the six types of courage as they relate to patience.

We know that fear is inspired by uncertainty and lack of control. While we are waiting for something we are uncertain: will it happen at all? will I like it? will it be what I imagine? will I get a piece with blue frosting or yellow frosting? On top of that is the uncertainty of how we will manage our disappointment if IT doesn’t fulfill our expectations. While we are waiting for something we usually have no control, since we can’t speed up time or manipulate events. Thus, the ability to tolerate this uncertainty and lack of control requires courage, which then allows for patience.

I’ve been noticing recently how waiting has changed since my own childhood. The Wizard of Oz was broadcast on television once a year, and missing it meant having to wait another year. Likewise for The Sound of Music, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and countless other “big” or seasonal movies. In just the four years since my daughter arrived here from Ethiopia at the age of eight, we’ve gone from being able to buy a movie on DVD to watch anytime, to being able to download or stream movies instantly to laptop, tablet or t.v. You don’t even have to go to the store to buy the DVD (or to the library to borrow it). No waiting required. Same with music, many television shows, and books. Instantly has become the one of the dominant motifs of our children’s growing-up years.

As I see it, we seek to quell the fear inspired by uncertainty through instant gratification. The insidious problem with that is that it’s never enough; there will always be something else just one step ahead of us in the future, creating uncertainty. On top of that, the false promise of instant gratification obscures the fact that some things can never be instant – skill does not come instantly, for example, but must be developed through hours, weeks or years of steady practice. Without patience we quit early, grumpy and disenchanted by the tedious slowness of it all.

This is not a rant about how much better things were when I was a kid, or how much worse they are now (they weren’t and they aren’t). I’m just saying that they are different as it relates to organic opportunities for learning the skill of waiting. We are swimming in instant: instant foods, instant entertainment, instant messages, instant downloads, instant photos, instant feedback, etc.. Because of this, I find I have been looking for opportunities to teach this skill of waiting to my daughter. In my post “I Can’t Do It. Yet.” I wrote about the word “Yet” as a great tool for coaching patience – as in, “it’s true you can’t do it yet, but keep trying and eventually you will.”

Very young children live in the present, so for them, waiting for anything is a baffling torment of “why? why? why?” Sometimes the only thing that a parent can do is distract, as in this story from India, Birbal Shortens the Road. But as children get older and the concept of time becomes more concrete, cause and effect begin to make sense. At twelve, my daughter is young enough to be highly reactive and suggestible (Mom, can I get this song on my iPod right now?) but old enough to recognize that Mom doesn’t play that tune, if you know what I mean. To help her with learning patience, I try to take some of the sting out of the uncertainty of waiting: I am boringly predictable and consistent with routines (dinner at six, regular bedtime, daily chores, etc.) I make sure she understands what she has to do to earn the next download to her iPod. I try to be clear about when things will happen in the future, such as when she will achieve the sparkling dream of cell phone ownership. I tell her what new privileges and opportunities she can look forward to next year or the years after that, and involve her in planning future events or activities.

At the same time, I point out that although I have expectations about the future, I can’t control it. I expect it will take about twenty more minutes to get home from this BORING car trip, but we could run into traffic, or we might see an awesome tag sale going on, or something unforeseen may occur. I tell her that I acknowledge my uncertainty and my lack of control over the future, and demonstrate by my own patience that it’s possible to survive both. (By the way, I’m talking about best-case scenarios, not the ones where I lose my temper and my patience!)

In the end, patience may simply be a matter of accepting reality. No amount of fretting and agitation in the present can alter the space-time continuum to make time speed up, so just let it go. Just wait.

Healthy Attachment Between Parent and Child

admin — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 00:00:00 +0000

How I coach parents to nurture courage in their kids has a lot to do with attachment—which I understand to be the first step in nurturing courage development. Attachment being defined as psychological connectedness between human beings. A healthy attachment between parent and child provides for a child’s basic needs like food, water, shelter—our child’s survival being our most basic responsibility. The infant’s sole purpose is to survive with the help of a secure attachment with someone (ideally a parent) able to provide the kind of security, safety, and strength needed for protection. The secure someone (ideally an adult who is stronger and wiser) also has a complementary attachment behavior system (or internal working model of attachment) that activates in response to the infant/child and seeks to protect, particularly when a threat is present.

A healthy parent/caregiver-child attachment teaches a child the basics of human relationship and love, the willingness to try new things and develop intellectually, take risks, open their hearts and trust themselves and others, to develop a moral code, and ultimately to have courage in life. Researchers Popper & Amit (2009) have also found that secure attachment, along with low trait anxiety and openness to experience, is correlated with leadership development. Without secure attachment between a parent/caregiver and child in infancy and early childhood, a child is at risk for severe psychological, cognitive, social, and physiological consequences.

CAUTION: if you are a reader like me, a bit of a perfectionist and somewhat anxious about doing this whole parenting thing right…DON’T WORRY! Being a secure attachment for your child just means loving them, connecting with them through satisfying their primary senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, hearing), being reliable (at least most of the time), and not leaving them in a crib for the first six months of their lives to fend for themselves! Attachment theory and parenting tends to freak people like me out, but I just remember that there is no question I love my kids, am doing my best, and that there’s lots of room for making mistakes, recovering, and moving on together in the direction of love. Our children truly deserve our best, so they can become their best. Research shows we are doing a good job: the vast majority of infants and toddlers have secure attachments with their parents, and half of those without a secure attachment relationship at home have a secure attachment with an early childhood teacher/daycare provider.

While writing this post on a snowbound day with my kids, I asked my 13 year-old son, the product of all my training and real-life practice in attachment theory and attachment parenting, what he remembers of his earliest years. His response: “Nothing. Not a thing. Well…I do remember that day when we had to wait together in the playhouse for a really long time together until that hailstorm stopped. You stayed with me and didn’t leave. Yeah, that’s about all I remember.”

How do I know it’s okay that my son doesn’t remember those countless sleepless nights and hours logged wearing and breastfeeding him—basically responding consistently, lovingly to what felt like his every early childhood need? Well, he’s still alive, for one. He recognizes that even during hailstorms I’ll be there for him. He seems to be secure enough in our relationship to tell me the truth! Most importantly, he’s a confident, happy, caring, independent kid who has a pretty solid record of doing the right thing—even when I’m not looking. He also seems to be confident that I won’t flip out that he doesn’t remember any of it!

For a brief overview of attachment theory, one of the most well-researched, evidence-based, and influential theories in developmental psychology READ ON!

As with most trained family therapists, I learned about John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory. I reviewed his protégé Mary Ainsworth’s scholarly research and practical applications—particularly her observations about the concept of ‘security’ in relationship and the different types of secure and insecure attachments (secure, anxious-resistant insecure, anxious-avoidant insecure, or disorganized/ disoriented attachment). I also read the illuminating, devastating, and in some cases, remarkably hopeful research on Romania’s abandoned orphans; research that was the basis for the addition to the then-DSM III of a mental health disorder centering on symptoms associated with a ‘failure to thrive’, called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

For the purpose of parents wanting a practical understanding of attachment theory to help understand how best to nurture courage in our kids, I’ve taken the liberty to summarize (in my own words in parentheses)attachment therapist/researcher Susan M. Johnson’s review of the ten central tenets of attachment theory. I’m going to be writing a fair amount about how to ensure healthy attachment with our children—so I think it is a good idea to start with a basic understanding of the core tenets:

Attachment is an Innate Motivating Force (seeking and maintaining close contact with other human beings across our lifespan is an innate drive, primarily to ensure survival).

Secure Dependence Compliments Autonomy (as human beings, we are neither overdependent nor completely independent. The more securely attached we are the more confident and autonomous we become).

Attachment offers a Safe Haven (the presence of loved ones offers comfort and security in our lives, especially in response to a threat–i.e. hunger, loud noises, unfamiliar environment).

Attachment offers a Secure Base (secure attachments provide the base from which we may explore our surroundings and be cognitively open and reflective).

Accessibility and Responsiveness Builds Bonds (as a parent this means being both emotionally and physically present and responsive. Emotional regulation is also an important concept associated with responsiveness).

Fear and Uncertainty Activate Attachment Needs (the comfort and connection of an attachment figure is especially important when fear and/or threat are present).

The Process of Separation Distress is Predictable (angry protest, clinging, depression and despair result when attachment behaviors fail to evoke comfort and contact with attachment figures).

A Finite Number of Insecure Forms of Engagement Can be Identified (typically three types of pursuer-distancer behaviors result when attachment behaviors fail to produce the necessary comfort and connection sought: anxious preoccupied clinging, detached avoidance, and seeking closeness combined with fearful avoidance. The primary question we are asking of our attachment figure here is “Can I depend on you when I need you?”).

Attachment Provides Working Models of Self and Other (attachment strategies generally deal with how to process and cope with emotion. Secure attachment helps us learn self-love and love of another. It is associated with self-efficacy and a trust in other’s dependability. Once secure attachment is established, an individual develops cognitive schemas associated with goal-setting, life-affirming beliefs, and an emotional regulatory system that is more responsive than reactive.)

Isolation and Loss are inherently Traumatizing (stress-based habits and behavioral strategies result in response to the unmet needs and fear that trauma evokes. Bowlby’s (1969) fundamental research started with case studies of the effects of maternal deprivation and separation on child development. Bowlby (1988) himself, at age four, suffered the early loss of his beloved nanny; and had limited contact with his mother due to a traditional upper class British upbringing involving boarding school for most of his childhood).

To review, Bowlby’s (1969; 1988) theory shows that secure attachment includes the following characteristics:

(Courtesy of Kendra Cherry, http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/ss/attachmentstyle.html)

Naturally, once I started having my own kids, William and Martha Sears’ attachment parenting approaches appealed to me. Though I will admit that one particularly sleep-deprived night in our ‘family bed’, exhausted and fed up, I’m pretty sure I threw my copy of the Sears’ attachment parenting book across the room. Anything worth doing well, isn’t always easy. Stay tuned for more about attachment parenting in upcoming posts. Don’t worry…in future posts you’ll see lots about how to become and stay attached (whatever the age/stage of your child) whether you are a mom, dad, or other primary caregiver to a birth, step-, foster, or adopted child. If you have questions about attachment and/or an interest in parent-coaching, don’t hesitate to post a comment or contact me.

I’ll start with Sears’ seven “Baby Basics” to getting attached in my next posts.

Sources:

Ainsworth, M., Blehar, M., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Ainsworth, M. & Bowlby, J. (1965). Child Care and the Growth of Love. London: Penguin Books.

Bowlby, J. [1969], (1999). Attachment (2^nd ed.), Attachment and Loss (Vol. 1). New York: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1988) A Secure Base: Clinical Applications of Attachment Theory. London: Routledge.
Goosens, F. & van IJzendoorn. (1990). Quality of infants’ attachments to professional caregivers: Relation to infant-parent attachment and day-care characteristics. Child Development, 61, 832-837.

Johnson, S. (2002). Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors. New York: Guilford Publications, Inc. (pp. 38-43).

Johnson, S. (2003). Introduction to attachment: A therapist’s guide to primary relationships and their renewal. In Johnson, S. & Whiffen, V. (Eds.)., Attachment Processes in Couple and Family Therapy. NY: The Guilford Press. (pp. 5-17).
Popper, M. & Amit, K. (2009). Attachment and leader’s development via experiences. The Leadership Quarterly, 20, 749-763.

Sears, W. & Sears M. (2001). The Attachment Parenting Book: A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby. NY: Little Brown and Company.