fear – Lion's Whiskers

My Year of Living Fearlessly!

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

“When we know who we are, we can overcome our fears and insecurities. We surpass our smaller selves who suffer the slings and arrows of our conditioned reality, and we move to the unconditional truth of our larger selves. The answers to the questions of what to do, what to say, whom to let in, and whom to keep out become a clear and simple matter of listening to our hearts. That inner voice helps us align with our purpose, because each of us has a purpose, even if we judge it to be insignificant the voice is there. We just need to listen to it. When we do that, we live in fearlessness.” – Arianna Huffington, excerpted from On Becoming Fearless in Love, Work, and Life

Since my last blog post, I’ve been busy crossing things of my list of “Fears to Conquer and Dreams to Live,” as part of my intention to live fearlessly in 2012!

At the beginning of this year, I wrote about my decision not to make a list of New Year’s resolutions in my post What Would You Do if You Weren’t Afraid? Instead, I decided to embrace the idea that by striving to live fearlessly, an even more authentic and courageous self may emerge. The thing about fear is that it limits full self-expression while keeping us fearfully, anxiously captive. Perfectionism, the underlying culprit behind many New Year’s resolutions, is fear’s evil twin (I’ve written about it in Making Failure Okay). Therefore, I also made a commitment to embrace the belief “I’m already enough.”

We seek to help our kids to conquer their fears every day, and the best place to start is with ourselves!

The first thing I did after writing my New Year’s post was to make a list of my fears. I was pleasantly surprised to find that none of the classic phobias were on the list. I’m not afraid of spiders, snakes, heights, public speaking, or flying. Of course, when I see a snake on the side of the road on one of my long distance runs, I still jump. That type of fear is biologically-based, instinctual, and the kind of self-protective response we need for survival. Pure fear, instead of anxious “fright,” can be a powerful protector and teacher. In 2012, however, I wanted to coax the monsters from out under my bed, rid old skeletons in my closet. Simply riding more roller coasters wasn’t going to do the trick.

So, here’s where things got interesting. Once I was willing to commit to living fearlessly, I found that every single fear I may have avoided, stuffed, or otherwise denied, when given permission to be expressed, written down on paper, or otherwise invited to show its ugly face, did just that! Around about January 15th, it looked like Halloween in my own head! Therefore, as I became willing to face my fears, it became very important to identify specific goals and steps to take to conquer those fears. The fastest anxiety-busting technique I know is to take ACTION! As the old adage reminds us: “The only way out is through.” No matter how small the steps you take through fear, it just matters that you keep taking those steps. For every fear on my list, I came up with a fear-busting goal.

Here’s a sample of some of the fears from my January 1st, 2012 list:

“I’m afraid of becoming blind.” So, I promptly booked an appointment with an optometrist who reassured me I had neither a fatal brain tumor nor impending blindness. Instead, she prescribed a cheap pair of readers and told me “You have excellent vision, but you’re in your forties. The good news is that your forties aren’t fatal! Your eye strain isn’t a tumor, you just need readers.” Phew! One fear down, nine to go!

“I’m afraid of not having friends and family for support during tough times.” So, I started reaching out to old and new friends and hosting more social gatherings, whether my house is clean or not, and repaired my heart and upped my happiness a little more in the process. I booked flights for myself and my family home to Canada for a much-needed family and friends fill-up after a two year absence. I’ve reconnected with old friends and estranged family members. I’ve learned to sit in the discomfort of misunderstandings and past hurts without needing to be right, but instead seeking to forgive and cultivate peace.

A few of the fears on my list involved overcoming previous experiences that had evoked survival responses of fear, like my fear of snorkeling after getting caught off a coral reef a few years ago in the Caribbean (read about that by clicking here). But most of my fears were more existential in nature. Fears that, upon reflection, I realized were holding me back in my relationships and career. Those fears were the ones rooted deep in childhood experiences that required some careful uprooting. Previous hurts in relationships still haunted me in the form of a fear of making mistakes, being unlovable, or being judged. The imposter syndrome was on the list. And like many others, the bag lady fear also made my list—minus the house full of cats.

Looking at my list of fears, it struck me that I had inherited most of my fears from my parents and that, almost by osmosis, I had absorbed many from our culture primarily through fear-based media messaging. Fears like: losing everything and becoming homeless, being a bad parent, and getting sick and old.

Many of my underlying fears I know I share with others. As a therapist I have the unique opportunity and privilege to listen as children, adolescents, and adults in my office peel back the layers to reveal the underlying fears that keep them unhappy and afraid in life. Our materialist society capitalizes on these very fears to sell stuff. “If you buy this cream, you’ll look young and stay lovable.” “If you buy this insurance, you won’t get sick, grow old, and die alone.” But life is unpredictable. Until we learn to live more fully in the present and take action, instead of worrying needlessly about future “what if’s,” we leave ourselves vulnerable to fear’s tight grip. It’s not as if anti-aging face creams, insurance policies, and saving for a rainy day are bad ideas. But I’ve found that when fear motivates my decisions, my goals are less aligned with being authentic and courageous and more about avoiding some kind of possible pain.

After writing down my fears, my next step was to use the surest, quickest way I’ve found to release oneself from fear: author Byron Katie’s Four Questions method. Her method helps folks to reveal how irrational most fears are and to discover what it might be like to live life without fearful thought.

Here are her Four Questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Source: www.thework.com

The four questions have helped me to discover that most all fears are irrational. I also found that once I identified key fears to conquer, more than enough opportunities presented themselves to help me overcome them! Don’t say I didn’t warn you! My responses to question 4 also helped me generate my list of dreams to live this year.

For example, if I wasn’t afraid of being lost in New York City (which resulted in a mild panic attack a few years ago on Ellis Island), then I would sign up for the 2012 ING NYC marathon and run through all the city’s boroughs. So, I promptly signed myself up. On November 4th I will be completing my first marathon in fifteen years. It turns out that at age 45 I do have to stretch more, and my first few long runs were painful. But otherwise the optometrist is right, our forties aren’t fatal!

“I’m afraid of asking others for help” was also on my list of fears to conquer. Plenty of opportunities there when I put my ego aside and open myself up to others’ help and what they have to teach me! I’m now fundraising and asking friends and family for money for the Alzheimer’s Association on behalf of my mother and uncle who have been recently been diagnosed with this devastating disease. Instead of running from my genetic heritage, I’m running towards a cure before anyone else in my family is afflicted! Here’s my fundraising page, in case any of you are interested and/or would like more information on behalf of your own family.

Thus far in 2012, I’ve flown in an open helicopter with my daughter (who was afraid of flying, as some of you may remember from reading Fear of Flying: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Feeling). I got back into the ocean and snorkeled in Cuba. I’ve completed five months of marathon training and two half-marathons in preparation for November 4th. I’ve made sure to focus more on all the good in others, instead of looking for something to judge—thus, effectively curtailing my own fear of others judging me!

I catch myself when I’m worrying and remind myself what I’ve taught my own children since they were little: “A change in your thoughts, leads directly to a change in your feelings.” So, I pick a different thought. A kinder thought that evokes faith and peace, instead of worry.

I completed Kathy Freston’s Quantum Wellness 21-day cleanse as a way to kick start healthier habits, get in better shape for the marathon, and genuinely feel more at ease in the present moment.

I listen more—especially to my kids who’ve felt free to give me feedback on what it is like to have a therapist for a mom who looks too often for problems to solve and advice to give! Once they hit adolescence, I started asking if they wanted to hear my thoughts. Surprisingly, more often than not, they do still want to hear what I have to say especially now that they have a choice.

I’ve made sure to do at least one thing that makes me happy every day. Subsequently, I’ve cultivated a much more grateful heart.

And after completing all my mental health therapist licensure requirements after moving five years ago from Canada to the U.S., I’m finally listening to that wise inner voice Arianna Huffington’s quote refers to and gave notice at my job a few weeks ago. I will be devoting much more time in 2013 to pursuing a higher purpose and integrity in my professional life, which includes making Lion’s Whiskers into a book.

As I conquer the last few fears on my list, I notice that I’m trusting myself, others, and the Universe a lot more. I’m back to laughing a lot more, stressing less, and generally being a much more relaxed parent. Fear is no longer a foe, but more a scaredy-cat I’m making friends with—cause let’s face it, everyone could use a little more friendship in their lives!

My daughter crossing the finish line with me at my recent half-marathon!

The truth of the matter is that these past ten months I’ve been most inspired by my own children and those I work with therapeutically to learn what it is to live life fearlessly. I wholeheartedly believe kids have a lot to teach us about courage. It’s in everything they do!

I also know that as parents we could be much more aware of how we project our fears onto our children. By trusting our children—instead of letting worry get in our own way and theirs—we intentionally uproot fear’s tenacious roots before they grow too deep, thus encouraging our children to develop trust in themselves. But more on that topic in upcoming posts!

Feel free to enjoy the follow-up chapter to this particular story by clicking here: Running Plan B

Care to share a fear of yours and what action you might take to conquer it!?

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What If I’m Wrong?

Thu, 17 May 2012 00:00:00 +0000

One of the ways to determine if a given situation requires courage is to dig for the risk. On Lion’s Whiskers our definition of courage has less to do with fear, and more to do with risk. If you perceive a risk (either real or imagined), then you need courage to face the risk. In most matters of intellectual courage, the risk is being wrong. Being wrong, as “the world’s only wrongologist,” Kathryn Schultz, points out in this fascinating TED lecture, does not feel good. Correction: knowing that you are wrong does not feel good. As Schulz observes, often when we are wrong we don’t know it, so we feel fine. It’s the discovery that we were wrong that can feel so bad. In fact, the more our identity is wrapped up with our intellectual accomplishments or with our ideologies, the worse being wrong feels. It ought to be a simple matter of saying, “Oops, this fact I thought was true is actually false,” and letting it go, but instead we make it about ourselves: we are wrong. Ow.

Intellectual courage, or being willing to face the risk of being wrong, allows for flexibility, inventiveness, adaptability, creativity, curiosity, objectivity, and focus. Being unwilling to face the risk of being wrong (discovering we hold false beliefs) leads to rigidity, dogma, prejudice, and worst of all, more wrongness! As philosopher George Santayana famously said, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Let me hasten to clarify what I mean by false belief: If you believed that two people were standing on your foot and it turned out it was only one person standing on your foot, that was a false belief. If you further believed that the person standing on your foot was deliberately and maliciously hurting you, and it turned out the person was actually unaware of your foot there, that was a false belief. I’m not talking about religion.

Refusing to accept the reality about the person standing on your foot is generally an indication that the risk of being wrong is truly enormous, that it threatens the very foundations of a whole system of beliefs. A good example of this is the Inquisition of Gallileo, who presented evidence of planetary motion around the sun and the imperfection (in the form of sunspots) of the universe, and spent the rest of his life under house arrest because of it. (In this case I am talking about religious belief.)

Two more insightful quotations are instructive here, the first from Aristotle, and the second from Emerson:

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

“Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.”

Without the intellectual courage to consider and investigate an idea that may challenge or contradict our current beliefs and possibly reveal them to be false beliefs, debate becomes impossible, and a discussion between people with opposing views can quickly devolve into shouting and personal attacks.

Not long ago I ran into a version of this problem with my daughter, who had decided that something she had been doing (let’s call it X) was not at all her cup of tea. The problem arose when I asked how she felt about the thing that X was a subset of, and her position was she didn’t see anything positive about any of it, because she didn’t see anything positive about X. She was taking the part for the whole, a logical fallacy called pars pro toto. This is the (often false) belief that what is true for part of a thing is true for the whole thing. I kept asking, “But what about this part, and this other part, and this other part?” and she dug her heels in even harder and claimed I was forcing her to accept X!

So I backed off. Just as I have been trying to model that failure is always an option, I am trying to model that being wrong is always an option, too, and that revising an opinion in the light of new evidence is totally acceptable. The more often I can find opportunities to say, “Oh, I guess I was wrong about that,” the better. Mind you, at first I didn’t especially enjoy saying, “Look, there I go being wrong again,” but the truth is it actually gets easier the more I do it! Lisa recently wrote about making failure okay, and how liberating it can be to let go of perfectionism, and I am finding it very liberating to make being wrong okay. Besides, it’s exhausting having to be right all the time – and my friends will tell you it’s very annoying!

Here’s Kathryn Schulz’s liberating (and entertaining) TED lecture, and notice (near the end) what she has to say about stories. Enjoy!

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Failure Is Always an Option

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

I have been reflecting recently on how often I hear, “Failure Is Not An Option.” From earnest motivational posters to hard-bitten action films, this phrase is bandied about as if “failure” is tantamount to total annihilation, like the destruction of the planet Alderaan by the Death Star in “Star Wars.” No, we definitely don’t want that.

At the same time, I see chirpy messages like “Reach for the Stars!” “Go for it!” and “You Can Do It!”

So… which is it? It can’t possibly be both! The command, “Go for it, but for heaven’s sake don’t fail!” seems perfectly calculated to cause an epic choke and an epidemic of anxiety. Oh wait, that’s what we have, isn’t it? It is axiomatic that we learn more from our failures than from our triumphs, so how have we made any result short of first place so toxic? Of course we always want our kids to do their best, but are they always clear on the difference between doing their best and doing the best?

I recently entered a national contest – never mind what it was – and spent some time studying past winners on the website with my daughter. The skill and expertise demonstrated in those examples made my effort look pretty amateurish, and the Lovely K. and I agreed that my chances of winning looked pretty slim given the competition. So why do it? Why even try?

My willingness to fail is very recent! Time was when I would do pretty much anything to avoid putting my standing as a winner at risk. That meant I had to restrict myself to a quite narrow range of things that I’m really good at, and steer clear of serious competition. One by one, other activities or interests withered away, killed by the life-sucking judgment of “not good enough.” Failure had too sharp a sting.

But as a parent, I see the harmful effects of the fear of failure in my daughter; there are plenty of things she shrinks back from trying, or things she throws in the towel on after a first failed effort. “Failure is not an option” means it’s better not to try than to come up short. And yet, if our reach exceeds our grasp we still come away with something in hand. Even if you don’t make it all the way to the top of the mountain, you still have a better view than you get at the bottom.

I sometimes suspect that we’ve created a rigid dichotomy around the concepts of winning and losing. There’s first place (winner) and then there’s everything else (losers). But really? Would you really say that the Olympic athletes who don’t win a medal are losers? That the kids who finish second, third and fourth (etc.) in the National Spelling Bee are losers? Success is measured in many ways, not just by a glossy first place ribbon. I don’t advocate the “everybody gets a trophy,” standard, which rewards kids just for showing up. But somewhere between Failure Is Not an Option and Everybody’s a Winner there is a happy medium, where hard work is recognized and applauded, and perseverance is a reward that will enrich your child’s entire life – not to mention what your child might learn along the way about what she is capable of, and who she is as an individual.

So I am setting my sights on some activities I will probably fail at, trying to summon each of the six types of courage in turn to risk disappointment, loss, blows to my ego, and possibly even some bumps and bruises as well. In some ways it’s a performance for an audience of one (my daughter), but I also know I’ll end up with a little bit of stardust on my fingers. Here I go: watch me fail!

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St. Ailbe and the Wolf

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Among the values that social courage can help us promote in our children are compassion, tolerance, caring and charity. These are the values we exhibit in the social realm in our behavior to others. Here is a wonderful legend from Ireland that demonstrates these values. Compare it to the legend of St. Francis and the Wolf of Gubbio, or Androcles and the Lion. It also fits in the same tradition of foundling heroes we’ve discussed on this blog before.

Long and long ago in Ireland, almost so long ago the wood that built the first harp was still a green twig, a poor couple had a boy baby and couldn’t keep him – that’s how poor they were. Without knowing what else to do, they left him on a hillside and hastened away in shame. It wasn’t long after that that a she-wolf was trotting by, and her keen ears caught the sound of a cry. Her nose led her to a heather bush, and there lay a pink, furless pup, or so she thought. It wasn’t like her own pups, but she picked him up carefully – Ailbe was his name, though how was she to know it? – and brought him along back to her den to suckle him beside the others. Ailbe soon grew strong and hale, and ran four-legged with his brother wolves. If his wolf-mother sometimes thought him a strange creature with fur nowhere but his head, she loved him all the same.

Two years of wolf-life Ailbe had. Then (as fate would have it) a horseman was riding over the heath one day and spied the boy, running on all fours across the green. So far from human habitation they were that the prince (for he was a prince, as fate would have it) knew the child must be a foundling. He chased the little thing and caught him up, kicking and screaming and howling for his mother. The she-wolf, hearing her odd child wailing in fear, came bounding over the crest of the hill, and her four big grown wolf-sons with her. The prince took one look at the rushing pack and put his horse to the gallop, still holding the howling child. Mile upon mile the wolves chased the prince, their hearts bursting with the effort to rescue their brother and son. But the horse was a swift one (as fate would have it) and the wolves finally dropped with exhaustion, raising their last mournful howls as the prince disappeared over the horizon.

It took a while, as you can well imagine, for Ailbe to understand he was a human, and learn good human speech and walk upright. His new mother – third mother – the princess was kind and wise and the prince was fair and good, and Aible grew to honest manhood and took priest’s robes. He preferred the solitary life of contemplation, for human company still uneased him, and he took no pleasure in men’s sports. Hunting was especially disturbing to him: the sound of the hunter’s horn reminded him of a howling wolf.

Indeed one day the mournful wail of the horn carried to his ears a sound so familiar that he ran out the door, looking left and right. There – there! Running toward him, gaunt and terrified, ran an old she-wolf, and four more old wolves panting beside her. Ailbe knelt in the road and opened his arms to her, for he knew her and somehow (how can we understand such mysteries as life offers?) she knew him as well, her strange little pup now a grown man and priest besides. With his wolf family beside him, Ailbe stood straight and strong and ordered the hunters to turn aside. And ever after, until the end of their days, the wolves were welcome in Ailbe’s hall, and ate from his table, and were never harmed nor hounded.

Special thanks to acclaimed storytellers, Jennings and Ponder, for bringing this story to my attention.
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Scared of Flying No More!

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Fear of flying is no joke–especially for kids! Here’s some advice to help children overcome aerophobia–most of which I put into practice with my own daughter to help her overcome her fear of flying, which I wrote about in my previous post “Fear of Flying: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Feeling!”:

Talk about your child’s fear. Let’s face it, it is kinda’ strange to fly so high above the ground!Empathize with them by normalizing fear as part of life and that we become stronger and more courageous by facing our fears–which gets easier the more we do it! Don’t unnecessarily minimize how big their fear may feel. Help them to break it into smaller, more manageable, pieces. For example, if your child is afraid of flying figure out if it is being in a small, enclosed space; or is it the loud sounds of the engines; or leaving their doggies behind at home; or possible turbulence during flight? Next, take steps to overcoming each fear. Brainstorm ways to have courage facing a particular fear and perhaps even simulate facing those bite-sized fears like leaving the dog for a day, using ear plugs around a loud lawnmower, or likening riding in a plan to the roller coaster you may have ridden last summer.

It is helpful to demystify flying and address some of your child’s questions about how safe it is as a method of travel. Reading books about air travel, describing and visualizing a flight from beginning to a safe and happy landing, and educating your child about how safe flying is and how many millions of people arrive safely to their various destinations every day can be helpful in reducing anxiety. Even going through a car wash together, or simulating a flight by watching a YouTube clip like this one, or setting up the pillows and a cardboard plane control panel in the living room—complete with self-made sounds and effects—may help to acclimate your child to the feelings, sounds, and sensations similar to those of being in an actual plane. Normalize turbulence as part of the natural waves of wind the plane will ride up and down during the flight—especially when riding over mountains.

Provide some valuable facts about flight safety. Frame those facts in ways that kids can understand. For example, explaining how safe flying is in comparison to driving doesn’t help really–it just made my daughter begin to question even getting into the car. Fear is contagious that way! Ask them to visualize the 4.5 million people everyday who fly safely in planes! Remind them that many of those millions are kids off to visit their beloved grandparents or to see Disneyland for the first time. Help them visualize such a large number like 4.5 million: it is way more people that all the people living in Alaska and Hawaii combined, and about as many as live in the entire State of South Carolina.

It is helpful to challenge some of those fear-inducing thoughts by brainstorming solutions to every worry and/or testing if the fearful thought is actually accurate, true, or simply irrational. Take a piece of paper, divide it in two, and make one side for thoughts that are “True” and one for those that are “Not True.” For example, “Everybody dies when they fly”— phobic thinking actually sounds like this. This particular thought would go on the “Not True” list.

I’ve also taught my children that if they change their thinking, they can change their feeling. I encouraged them to notice that when they pick a different thought, their feelings follow suit. As I’ve written about previously, in Mental Pathways of Courage, it can take only approximately 90 seconds for feelings to catch up with our thoughts.

It is important to focus on the positive benefits associated with flying. For example, the fun stuff you can do on board, the nutritional/favorite snacks and drinks you will pack, his/her favorite stuffy along for the ride, the movie you will bring to watch or book to read, special friends/family you are travelling to visit, the sights you might see along the way, and any other things your child might be looking forward to about the trip.

Move around during the flight, should aerophobia’s close cousin, claustrophobia, also be contributing to your child’s fear of flying.

One parenting site recommended wrapping little gifts to unwrap each hour on the flight to add something to look forward to and to countdown the hour(s) until you arrive at your destination.

It is also useful to inform the airline staff that you have a hesitant flyer on your hands and any and all treats or accommodations they can make to ensure a relaxing flight would be most appreciated.

Arriving to the airport relaxed helps (not that my family has ever been able to manage this one—which may well have also contributed to our daughter’s anxiety! We even slept through two alarms for our most recent early morning flight. We were the last to check in and board, but we made it!)

Teaching some simple body relaxation techniques to your child can help them learn the difference between tense and relaxed muscles. Kids don’t automatically notice the difference. So, start with your toes, showing them how to squeeze/tense and let go/relax each muscle group, ending with your faces. Liken a tensed body to uncooked spaghetti (straight, rigid), relaxed bodies are like cooked spaghetti (loose, wiggly and jiggly). Use visual imagery to help them tense and relax, this audio script may help. When stressed or worried during the flight, remind each other to use progressive relaxation to help your body tell your mind that all is well. To learn more about Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR), consult this book: The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook (Davis, Eschelman, & McKay, 1988).

Airline attendants are full of helpful advice. Those vomit bags may also come in handy for some much needed anti-panic deep breathing relief.

The web provides lots of resources, too, like: http://travelwithkids.about.com/cs/planetripstips/a/fearofflying.htm or http://www.travelismorefunwithkids.com/travelismorefunwithkids/2009/06/how-to-overcome-your-children-fear-of-flying.html

If your child’s fear is debilitating, or close to being so, it is also a wise investment to consult a local child-oriented mental health therapist to prepare for any upcoming trips—especially if as a parent you, too, suffer from aerophobia.

The following books provides some helpful advice about how parents can help to free their children from the grip of anxiety: Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcoming Your Child’s Fears, Worries and Phobias, by Dr. Tamar Chansky. Or read children’s book about overcoming fears like: When My Worries Get Too Big! A Relaxation Book for Children Who Live with Anxiety by Kari Dunn Buron, What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What to Do Guides for Kids) by Dawn Huebner, Scared, Who Me? – The Fear Extinguisher Book by Sujatha Lalgudi, Scaredy Cats by Audrey Wood, or
“Dragons of Thin Air – A Most Unusual Fear of Flying Course” info at: www.dragonsofthinair.com

Lastly, clap those hands loud and proud to thank the pilot for your safe arrival on the tarmac. Be sure to celebrate each of your child’s successes along the journey to conquering their fear—no matter how small the steps or how short the flight—just keep gently moving forward through the fear instead of letting it limit your lives!

Any advice you’d like to share about how you’ve helped your child overcome a fear? We’d love to hear from you!

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Courage Challenge: Be Prepared and Carry a Walking Stick!

Fri, 30 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Lion’s Whiskers offers this courage challenge:

As an opportunity to practice what it would be like to put your physical courage muscles to work, we recommend discussing some possible worst-case scenarios. Part of helping your child to be courageous in life is to simulate solutions to both common and uncommon survival situations. By knowing what to do and, as the Boy Scouts say “Be Prepared!,” your chances for survival increase exponentially. We’ve had some fun writing this post. We even found ourselves in hysterics at times imagining some of these scenarios and what we might do–especially if we didn’t have a walking stick with us. But we hope that you will take this post seriously about how important it is to review some basic safety tips with your family.

As we’ve written about previously, we definitely don’t suggest marinating kids in fear. There is a difference between talking about possible life-threatening scenarios and how to survive them, as opposed to passively listening to 24-7 newsfeed that can provoke anxiety unnecessarily. What we are suggesting is that discussing survival skills, allowing your child to visualize him/herself as the possible hero in such situations, can help boost their confidence to deal with a larger and larger array of possible problems. Stressing that these kinds of worst-case scenarios are rare will be very important, just as is your discretion with sharing certain of these scenarios depending on the age and particular stage of development of your child. Humor also helps defuse some of the stress when talking about fear-inducing situations! Avoiding talking about survival fitness, and burying our heads in the quicksand, can often perpetuate fear.

Providing inspiring stories and helpful advice for how to handle some of life’s challenges–no matter how unlikely–can help us mentally rehearse and thus be better prepared to deal with fear-inducing situations. As Jennifer has written about in “This is your Brain on Stories,” specific sensory and motor areas in the brain are activated not only through real-life experience, but also through simply listening to fictional or non-fictional stories and visualizing those story details. Time and time again we hear about survivors of wild animal encounters, car/plane accidents, and natural disasters ascribing their survival to previously practiced safety drills. Fire drills, like the ones we practice at school, help us all mentally rehearse how to react and problem-solve during an emergency, thus decreasing the probability of panic. That’s why fire fighters and police officers routinely practice scenarios that will require quick thinking based on rehearsal–scenarios where fear can potentially override the kind of thinking required to save lives.

For example, U.S. Ski Team member Ani Haas encountered a black bear while jogging in a wilderness trail in Montana. Having previously learned the difference between how to survive an attack by a grizzly bear versus a black bear, she was able to automatically respond appropriately and survive the classic worse-case scenario of getting between a mama bear and her cub. You can read the story of her survival here.

You may be surprised by what your children already know–or not–about human survival. Depending on where you live, certain scenarios will be necessary to practice either mentally and/or physically. For example, if you have recently moved to a place where tornadoes are common, your kids will need to know what to do when the sirens go off. When Lisa’s family moved from Canada to Upstate New York, for example, they didn’t know that you don’t bounce on the trampoline in a lightening storm.

With help from The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook, by Josua Piven and David Borgenicht (1999), we offer the following dinner conversation starter for you and your family: Ask your kids what they think would be the best way to handle the following worst-case scenarios.

1. How do you escape from quicksand?

(Here’s the answer so you look kinda’ smart. First off, you should be walking with a good walking stick. If you don’t have a walking stick, good luck. Pray your cellphone works underwater! Plan B: Do you have a straw? Okay, back to the facts. When you start to sink you’re supposed to stay calm and not struggle. You lay the walking stick on the surface of the quicksand and align your back on top of the pole. Next you shift your body so the pole is eventually under your hips. Your body and the pole will make a cross across the surface, as you begin to remove one leg and then the other from the pull of the quicksand. Lastly, while floating on your back slowly, gently back paddle to the closest terra firma.)

2. How do you fend off a shark attack?

(When you see a shark approach–let’s assume you are in the water and this is a problem–use anything you have to strike at the shark’s eyes or gills. Stab, jab at will!They apparently don’t like to be punched in the nose though.)

3. How do you escape from a bear?

(Recap: with a grizzly you play dead–cover your special bits. With a black bear you get BIG–wave your arms, make a lot of noise, and don’t try to climb a tree. When hiking in bear country, sing, dance, wear a bell on your back or fanny pack, or engage in any other kind of noise-producing merry-making. Carrying a didgeridoo could also help, especially when quicksand might also pose a problem–remember scenario #1?)

4. How to do get away from a swarm of buzzing bees?

(Run away! Don’t swat. Don’t jump into a body of water. In other words, this isn’t one of those cases where you lie really still on the ground, and jabbing at their eyes–all six of them–is futile. Just keep running! )

5. What do you do in case of an earthquake?

(If you are inside, stay inside and get into a doorway, against an inside wall, or under a table. If you are outside, get away from power lines, buildings, or anything else that could fall on you. If you are driving, get out of traffic and off a bridge/overpass and stay inside your vehicle. Don’t flail your arms outside your vehicle. Don’t stop the car near a rocky hillside. Read our Courage Workout: Playing with Fire for more information.)

6. How can you survive when lost in the wilderness?

(Recall ALL you can from watching Survivorman or Man, Woman, Wild, but not Survivor–’cause we know THAT’s not real! Stay where you are. Stay calm. Create some shelter with any/all debris nearby, but without undue exertion – that can lead to sweating and dehydration.)

7. How do you avoid being struck by lightening?

(This is a BIG problem in the U.S.–who would have known? We’ll assume you are outside in this scenario. Don’t stand under a tree. Do not take shelter under any structure that is made of metal, like a tower or flagpole. Keep clear of water. Don’t lie flat on the ground. Kneel on all fours, with your head low–kinda’ like you would when praying for your life. If, on the other hand, you are inside: avoid all plumbing and electrical appliances.

So, now it’s your family’s turn to generate a few more scenarios (especially those that may be highly applicable to where you live). Use this conversation starter as an opportunity to review home and school safety guidelines. Review the fire escape route in familiar environments, for example. Remind the kids, as they spend more time home alone, about how to cook safely and what to do in the case of a stove fire. Here’s an inspiring story about a Texas boy who saved his baby sister when he smelled smoke in his house (click here to read his story). He attributed his quick thinking and survival to having learned fire safety in school.

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Fear of Flying: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Feeling!

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

My husband and I travel a lot with our kids. They’ve ridden in planes, trains, automobiles, bike trailers, RVs, and a hot air balloon; on bicycles, ferries, kayaks, canoes, sailing boats, power boats, and inner tubes; by air, sea, river, lake, and land. So it came as a bit of a shock when our daughter announced at age 8 that she would no longer fly in an airplane. She would drive across country to visit our family that particular summer, but refused to fly. Houston, we have a problem!

Our daughter had officially joined the approximately one in six Americans who are afraid to fly. Fear had her in its tight grip and wasn’t letting go anytime soon. Problem was we were a few months away from flying home to visit our relatives in Canada. We were not prepared to drive the over 3,000 miles again in our RV. Two summers of such travel had worn us, and our somewhat anxious and diarrhea-prone dog, out!

Aerophobia, it turns out, is one of the top fears of most people. The website www.fearofstuff.com/phobia-stats indicates that approximately 1 in 23 people suffer from phobias, with nearly 11.5 million sufferers in the U.S. alone. A quick Amazon.com search yields some 4,000+ titles devoted to the topic of overcoming fear of flying.

What I’ve learned about children who fear flying is that they can learn that fear through the anxiety of a parent. Aerophobia can also be triggered by watching some disturbing news or movies, reading a book featuring air tragedies, experiencing turbulence on a flight, or due to the death of a family member or friend (either in a plane crash or not), or by overhearing people talking about plane crashes or other anxiety-provoking stories. We could all be more mindful that our kids are ALWAYS listening, whether they seem to be or not. They hear and absorb the news we listen to on the way to school and work, or the TV news we leave on while we cook, or the conversations we have with friends on the phone. Though it is always useful to discuss with children the origin of their fear; it can be often be difficult for them to recall or pinpoint the exact triggering event.

My daughter’s fear of flying might not have been such a big deal except for the fact that we live across country from all our family! The particular summer after she became a card-carrying aerophobic, we weren’t prepared to drive across country to accommodate her fear. Given my training as a child/family and mental health therapist I also know full well that avoiding what we fear has a nasty way of not only perpetuating fear but also contributes to what is commonly termed (by mental health professionals anyway) “generalized anxiety.” I wrote more about this topic in my last post, Making Friends with Fear.

Here’s my interview with my daughter about her fear of flying. I thought it would be helpful to get a kid’s perspective on how to combat fear–because in my experience, kids have a lot of clarity about life, and are most definitely some of the most inspirational people I know:

Me: When did you first become afraid of flying?

My daughter: “When I first heard the story of 9/11. I was about 8 and we had just moved to New York. A friend’s mom told me about it and I thought I would never want to be on a flight like that. I couldn’t understand how someone could do something so terrible as fly a plane into a building.”
(My personal preference here is to always have these kinds of difficult discussions between a parent and child—but we may not always be our child’s loving bearer of bad news. Debriefing news they may hear at school or on playdates or from older friends is important. Share your perspective on tragic events like September 11th, your values and life-affirming beliefs, with the goal of reassuring your child of his/her safety).

Me: What about the next flight you flew after becoming afraid? Can you remember the next flight was with me and your older brother going to visit family in Vancouver?

My daughter: “I was just after my 9th birthday. I had to work up the courage to fly. I just thought about how beautiful it would be when we got to our destination. I just kept thinking of all the people I would get to see again. We even flew a couple of those littler commuter planes for shorter times, which were kind of cool.”

Me: Do you remember that you wanted me to hold your hand and to give you some Rescue Remedy® gummies? Do you think that helped?

My daughter: “I don’t know. Not really. The Rescue Remedy® gummies were tasty and helped with chewing so my ears didn’t pop. It helped more to think of positive things that I was looking forward to.”

Me: Most recently, you flew with the most confidence I’ve seen in the past few years during our last winter vacation. What do you think shifted?

My daughter: “I just thought that my fear was just in my mind.”

Me: How did knowing that your fear was just in your mind help?

My daughter: “Because then I knew it wasn’t real. Which meant I could get over it in my mind. It was up to me to fix it.”

Me: You still wanted to hold my hand on the way to our destination, but do you remember saying to me on the way back “I don’t want to hold your hand this time ‘cause I’m going to fly with my big bro next summer on our own and I need pretend now that I’m okay, so I’ll be okay when it comes time to fly on my own”?

My daughter: “Nope.” (Typical!)

Me: What made you decide to get over your fear?

My daughter: “I wanted to be able to go on all sorts of family vacations. I’d also like to someday fly without you guys, just with my big brother to visit family in Canada on our own.”

Me: If you were to offer some advice to another kid who was feeling afraid of flying, what would you tell them?

My daughter: “Just think about what it will be like when you get to your destination. Just focus on all the beauty around you, as you look around you on the plane. Like the clouds and ocean you can see below you. I took a lot of really cool photos on our last trip.”

Me: What do parents need to know about helping a child with a fear of flying?

My daughter: “You can help them, but ultimately it is in their minds so there isn’t a lot you can do. You just need to listen to them. It helps to talk about it. But not too much. Just enough to let them know it is okay to be afraid sometimes. Let them figure it out on their own, because if you try to fix it—which you can’t anyway—it won’t help them solve the problem on their own for the long-term.”

Me: Do you feel afraid anymore of flying?

My daughter: “Nope.” (She’s 11 now. It took some practice, with a few flights between ages 8 and 11 and visualizing herself someday being able to fly confidently, but I’m happy to report that she is a confident flyer today!)

For some tips on helping your child overcome his/her fear of flying read my follow-up post, “Scared of Flying No More!”

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Does This Taste Funny to You?

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Not long ago I wrote about the giddy pleasures of the tall-tale form in the wildly exaggerated physical courage of Pecos Bill. Today I want to say just a few words more about the trusty shield of cream pie to the face.

According to research cited in the New York Times, laughter produces endorphins. The physical act of laughing, like any vigorous exercise, triggers the release of this “feel-good” chemical in the brain. It just plain feels good to laugh. We relax, we find new friendships through humor, we lower our guard. In fact, the growing international movement known as “laughter yoga” is taking this powerful tool into schools, workplaces, leadership seminars, and community organizations all over the world as a way of combating stress and raising productivity. There doesn’t even have to be a joke – it’s not an intellectual process where we find something funny, and then we laugh. Just laughing (fake, forced laughing sustained for a few minutes) will lead to genuine laughter. You know you’ve succumbed to giggling fits, laughing for no reason until tears run down your face. Rather than a silly thing to do, it’s actually a powerful tool for promoting well-being.

Now consider what happens with fear and stress. The chemicals released by the brain under the influence of fear and stress are adrenaline and cortisol. These are the life-saving fight-or-flight hormones that prepare us to snatch children from the path of oncoming cars or withstand pain during emergencies. All our defenses are on high-alert, and when running away from a tiger, that’s a good thing. But chronic exposure, especially to cortisol, from daily stress and anxiety can have serious adverse effects on the body and on cognitive function.

Gallows humor has long been understood as a powerful antidote to danger, uncertainty and risk. Prisoners in concentration camps or POW camps, soldiers on the front lines, first-responders and emergency room personnel, and citizens of repressive regimes have always found comfort and respite in laughter. It is recognized as an element of resilience, a way to bolster courage despite dire circumstances. Rather than mocking or making light of a serious situation, gallows humor can offer the body a chance to recover its internal balance when the going gets rough.

So here’s the good news for Lion’s Whiskers readers. Children love to laugh. On the whole, children laugh way more than adults do every day, and that’s a wonderful thing. They are naturally equipped to boost their courage with the help of laughter. Does this mean you have to be a stand-up comedian or have an endless supply of knock-knock jokes? No, but it is a reminder that sharing family stories with your kids, especially the “most embarrassing moments” ones, is a great way to let your guard down, strengthen family connection, and counteract the harmful effects of stress. Don’t wait for an anxious vigil outside the doctor’s office to tell a funny story – tell one to your kids today.

p.s. for anyone who wonders about the title of this post, it’s the punchline to a joke – two lions have caught a clown, and are eating him. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

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Making Friends with Fear

Sun, 04 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Me making friends with Fear

As some of you dear readers may recall, I decided to adopt a fearless approach to life in 2012. Trust me, co-writing a blog about nurturing courage in kids will force you to examine (in depth) the ways you may be both the brave and cowardly lion. Since I also currently treat both children and adults with anxiety, I thought it especially important to put into practice some of the approaches I’ve been encouraging my patients to adopt. Taylor Clark’s new book Nerve: Poise Under Pressure, Serenity Under Stress, and the Brave New Science of Fear and Cool (2011) also woke me up a little.

Clark’s research shows that currently the U.S. is ranked “the most anxious nation on the planet, with more than 18 percent of adults suffering from a full-blown anxiety disorder;” stress-based ailments costing “an estimated $300 billion per year in medical bills and lost productivity;” and our annual usage of anti-anxiety medications doubling from “$900 million to $2.1 billion” (p. 11). Clark also interviewed Dr. Richard Leahy, psychologist and anxiety specialist, who cautions that adults aren’t the only anxiety sufferers these days (something I, too, can attest): “The average high school kid today has the same level of anxiety as the average psychiatric patient in the early 1950s” (p. 11). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy specialists Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Robyn Walser, in their therapy manual Learning ACT (2007), caution that one of the main contributors to anxiety is experiential avoidance. In normal speak: the more we avoid what we fear, the more anxiety develops. So, starting with identifying the things we’re afraid of and developing a plan to face those fears step-by-step is a good place to start boosting one’s courage capacity—and decreasing our generalized anxiety at the same time.

I mentioned in my New Year’s post (click here to read it) that learning to snorkel without panicking would be one of my “learn to live fearlessly” goals. Let me back up and explain a little. Four years ago, I joined the masses of North Americans dealing with anxiety and had my first official panic attack.

I was in the Caribbean on vacation with my family. We’d planned an excursion to what was touted as “Paradise Island” to snorkel for the day. I would agree that initially this small island, located in the middle of a turquoise sea an hour boat ride from any civilization, did seem pretty idyllic and relaxing. An hour into our snorkeling, however, my adventure plunged from a trip to paradise to one in hell.

Shortly after my husband and I made our way on the outskirts of the coral reef surrounding “Paradise Island,” the wind picked up and an undertow current pulled us quickly further out into the ocean than we anticipated. In a matter of minutes we were half-way around a U-shaped coral reef, guideless, and with no knowledge about where the break in the reef was to safely take the short cut back to shore. I knew that swimming over a coral reef, as gentle as those coral branches appear swaying to the rhythm of the ocean undertow, was a very bad idea. Especially since the water was very shallow covering the reef that now separated us from the island shoreline. I’d seen those Google images of scarred bellies of stupid, clearly misinformed folks who’d chosen to do so.

As the current picked up, water started to fill my snorkel gear. My eyes were burning and I couldn’t see in my now-foggy mask. I’d also swallowed enough salt water to deregulate my breathing, officially ushering in my panic. The connection between body and mind is now firmly established. When the body begins to panic, mind follows suit–or vice versa. Panic felt like not being able to get a full breath, pounding heart, narrowed visual focus, and sounded like this in my head: “I’m going to die out here and my babies are on the beach ALONE!” As calmly as I could I yelled to my husband, “I’m not doing okay. We need to get in asap. I can’t do this! I can’t see the kids, they’re not were we left them! I think I’m panicking?” Ya’ think? My husband, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, is a very calm individual. Some may even say unresponsive at times. He is not prone to anxiety nor does he multitask well, especially while snorkeling. He wasn’t concerned about the kids. He also thought it would be perfectly fine to swim across the reef whenever he felt like it. I, on the other hand, started waving madly for help. I was going to save us, even if he was too clueless yet to realize the kind of peril we were in!

We’d been reassured that if we found ourselves in trouble, the tour guides would see us waving our hands and immediately dispatch a boat to our rescue. So much for that! No amount of hand waving from increasingly watery depths while the ocean pushed us up against the sharp edge of the coral reef, combined with water-garbled pleas in both English and Spanish (impressive since I was panicking, remember), brought my rescuers. Once again, my husband/handsome prince turned into my rescuer. He screamed back at me to keep swimming. You have to scream at a person panicking. It’s the only way to get their attention as they are VERY distracted by fear! I quickly realized that my husband couldn’t carry me and that I’d have to make it back on my own steam–despite my failed attempts to cling desperately to him during the worst moments of panic. After letting go of my husband’s neck, I took off my mask and snorkel (letting them hang awkwardly around my own neck), and started swimming for my life. He just kept saying encouraging, if nonchalant, things like “You’ll be fine. We’re almost there.” Everyone needs a reassuring cheerleader sometimes, especially our kids–and big kids like me.

It took about 15 minutes of very focused, hard swimming to get back to the shore. I just focused on each next stroke and getting back to my kids. Two key tips to dealing with panic: focus on the present moment (reassure yourself that in this moment you are okay and all you have to handle is this moment) and identify a life-affirming goal that is truly important to you. A brown paper lunch bag is also a good thing to have on hand, but wouldn’t have helped me much to regulate my breathing in the middle of the ocean. So is reminding yourself that no one has ever died from a panic attack–it just feels like you could.

Cut to me clinging desperately to a nice Dominican man trying to help me ashore, me feeling extremely grateful to be alive, then me racing to hug my kids (once I finally found them ordering drinks at the snack bar, completing unaware how precariously close they had just been to becoming orphans!) And the answer is “No,” I would never again be so naive as to leave my kids on the shoreline while I go off for a “short” snorkel! Turns out, I’m more like those dum-dums who decide to swim over a coral reef than I’d like to admit.

I did lecture my kids later about the importance of sticking to our promise to stay where we leave them. As a parenting coach, I’m particularly aware of those times when we can lash out at our kids because we are afraid or when we’ve made a mistake and are looking for a scapegoat. Like the moment after our child lets go of our hand and jumps off the sidewalk curb, only to narrowly miss being hit by a car, and we pull them back into our care only to berate them for their foolishness instead of saying, “Oh, sweetie! I’m so grateful you are okay.” I’ve learned to make a sincere effort with my kids, especially when I’m feeling fear, to hug first (while taking a deep breath) and lecture last. In other words, connect then correct!

So, a few weeks ago in the midst of an East Coast winter storm, the Caribbean siren started calling my name again, beckoning me back to her ocean depths. I’m also a sucker for a great travel deal, which I happened to find last-minute. After booking the trip, I realized that I had manifested the perfect opportunity to follow through on my promise to face my fear of snorkeling. I initially thought I might even be able to try scuba diving on the trip (classic overachiever thinking). That is, until I called my younger brother who happens to be a former navy diver. He told me that only 7 of his class of 25 new recruits managed to complete his particular scuba training course. Oh. “Why’s that?” I asked. He explained that people either take to scuba or don’t. It has something to do with switching from being a nose to mouth breather, to start with. It also has a lot to do with whether or not you actually want to do it, like the water, and/or feel comfortable in generally uncomfortable, claustrophobic, fear-inducing underwater conditions. That gave me some pause. I thought, well I love taking baths. But then I remembered and confessed to my brother that since I was a little kid, I’ve always avoided learning to do the front crawl. I even had my mom write notes to my swimming instructors explaining that I wasn’t well on the days I had front crawl instruction. I managed to never learn the crawl and have only ever swum with my head above water. That really should have been my first clue that I may not be the most confident snorkeler, let alone a natural scuba diver. I also don’t particularly love the underworld, well not with the kind of passion that one of my young patients has who wants desperately to be a mermaid when she grows up! I did, however, want to develop some more physical courage. And model for my kids overcoming a fear.

My brother’s advice was similar to cognitive behavior therapy’s classic in vivo exposure method to combating phobias. He told me I should start with putting my head underwater in the bathtub, for longer and longer periods of time. Then, take a swimming course to learn the front crawl. Next, I should practice snorkeling in a swimming pool, and so on. That’s when I mentioned that I was leaving in a week. My brother’s response: “Maybe you need to rethink your goal. Do you really want to learn to scuba?”

Well, embarrassing as this is to admit, I actually hadn’t asked myself that one important question. Truth be told, I don’t really want to become a scuba diver. It was more of a pride thing after the snorkeling debacle. A vague interest that sounded cool to try someday. And I still might, with a lot more preparation and time than I had for this particular trip. But I did want to get back in the water and learn to snorkel more confidently alongside my very observant children who have enjoyed teasing me over the past few years since my “Paradise Island” freak out. I like seeing those colorful fish and glimpsing the underwater world, if only for a few brief moments. I also wanted to practice what I coach some of my patients to do daily, which is to face the very fears that can keep us anxious, overmedicated, and feeling powerless as victims instead of the true heros/heroines in our own life stories that we can be.

My views of the coral reef

Pacific Red Lion Fish

I’m happy to report that last week, despite malfunctioning equipment and needing to repeatedly tell my family to chill out and let me go at my own pace, I did get back into snorkel gear and swam atop a pristine coral reef in the Caribbean–albeit very close to our guide’s boat. It took a few minutes for me to adjust my breathing, as my brother had explained is normal (normalizing stuff always makes me feel better). I also needed to make sure my kids were being well taken care of by their father and a guide, so I could calmly explore on my own. But once I gained comfort in my new underwater surroundings, I marvelled at the sea life all around me. Schools of fish swimming right up to my mask to say “Hello!” and grab some of my offerings of food. Stingrays gliding by, thank you very much. And the serene coral beds waving their friendly, albeit deceptive, greetings. The salt to water content in this particular ocean playground is so high, it was easy just to float and relax both my body and mind–a big part of offsetting panic. In fact, I gained so much confidence facing my fear that I even decided to take on another courage challenge and held a couple of alligators that same week.

That’s how facing our fears works, you see, with each new challenge we conquer the more we make friends with fear and gain courage!

Me and a two-month old gator

My “much more confident, relaxed” daughter with the same gator

What fear do you want to make friends with and grow a little courage along with me in 2012? What about your son or daughter?

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Courage Challenge Report: Dealing with Dragons

Sun, 26 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +0000

It being an unusually mild February break, my daughter, the Lovely K., declared her intention to sleep outside in a tent. We set it up on Wednesday, just one step from the porch, and she and a friend piled in for the night. The following morning I found that although the friend had slept the night through in the tent, K. had come in around 11, and slept on the sofa. Her explanation was that she hadn’t taken enough blankets and warm clothes. Mild February, but still February in upstate New York.

So the next night said she would give it another go. This time, no friend, but lots of extra blankets, coats, hats, etc. She was tired and ready to climb into her nest of quilts and covers at 8:30.

Physical courage, as we have said on this blog, involves willingness to endure discomfort. It also involves willingness to withstand the threat of snakes and strangers and things that go bump in the night. Note: it’s really a good idea if nobody puts rubber snakes in the tent.

I got a couple of texts in the first few minutes. Nerves. Hearing people walk past on the street (the tent was only about ten yards from the sidewalk and street). Wondering if there were more rubber snakes hidden under her blankets (additional note: don’t tell your friends your daughter is doing her first solo camp-out if they are sort who might sneak over and hide a rubber snake under a blanket). And before you ask, I’ll tell you that the tent was in the front yard because at this time of year the back yard is full of frozen dog poo. So yes, the front yard, but on a safe, quiet street. I told her I was confident she could do it, and that after all she could be inside the house in approximately two long strides (see photo!) I went to bed. I don’t use the term “courage challenge” with her too often, because as you can well imagine she has gotten an earful of “courage” and “challenges” and I’m likely to run into some counter-will if I bring it up! But courage challenge it was, without question.

In the morning, I checked her bedroom: empty. Checked the sofa: empty. I picked up my cell phone to take a photo of the tent, and found this:

I think it hardly needs saying that I felt awful. Poor kid! Alone in the dark and the cold, it’s easy to imagine all kinds of lurking dangers.

But here’s the bottom line: she did not bail out. She braved the cold and the dark and the rubber snakes and the fear of “someone,” and stuck to her resolve. Maybe she was too scared to leave the tent? Maybe. But still, she did stay. I woke her up at 7:00 and bundled her into the house to get some good sleep on the sofa, by the fire. As far as I’m concerned, she earned a medal with this courage challenge.

Amazingly, she reported a dream to me when she woke up – a dream so perfect to the occasion that a screenwriter or novelist could not have done better. “I was in a town, and the next town over was destroyed and deserted because there was a dragon. And people had to get picked to go there and be sacrificed so it wouldn’t come destroy this town too. And I got picked, and L., (one of her best friends) and we went there and there was a volcano where it lived. There were tracks and the old mining car things, like a roller coaster, and we got in one of those cars. We had a blue snake with us – I think it was a magical snake. And we didn’t want to go near where the dragon was. We saw a pit full of dead bones. The tracks were going up and down and were broken in some places, and the car thing we were in had to jump over gaps. Then ahead of us was this wall — like water standing up – and we had only a certain time left to get through it before it turned to stone and the dragon wouldn’t be able to get us. Then that snake that was with us was the dragon. But it couldn’t get through the wall. And we were safe.”

In the words of Joseph Campbell: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek.”

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