Comments on: What is Social Courage?

By: Heila

Heila — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:58:00 +0000

Hi Lisa,

Thanks so much for your kind and considered reply.It is indeed true that we project our own fears onto our children, and my 9 year old is becoming astute enough to question parenting decisions when she senses that we don't have particularly good reasons for them!This morning on the way to school I asked her what she thinks courage is and we came up with some examples.I was impressed with some of the things she thought of.The summer holidays start here in South Africa at the end of this week and I want to continue this conversation with her, definitely finding inspiration from books as well.

Talking about books, my husband and I are great Harry Potter fans and I think my daughter would quite enjoy the first 3 books at this stage.I'm worried that she isn't ready to read the rest yet... what are your thoughts on the appropriate age for Harry Potter?I realise that chronological, intellectual and emotional age do not always match up, so just approximately.

Thanks for this blog, I'm reading it bit by bit and have recommended it to friends with kids as well.

By: Jennifer Armstrong

Jennifer Armstrong — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 03:08:00 +0000

Heila, I'll take that one!As I'm sure you know, there's a big difference between being able to read something (decoding) and being ready for the concepts and situations in the text.You already know the books, and you know your daughter.If you think she's the sort of kid who would want to run straight through all the books in order, then you'll probably want to trust your instincts here and put it off until she's more mature. There are so many good books that are appropriate for 9 year olds - why rush into something that she might enjoy better at 11 or 12? Lots of younger kids who are skillful readers yearn to read big thick books, but they need some guidance to find books that are not too grown-up for them.The children's librarian at your public library will be able to direct you to books that meet her at her maturity level, or you can find plenty of book lists on the website of the American Library Association or the International Reading Association - I don't know what children's books are published in South Africa, but I'm guessing plenty of American and English books are available.

We're very glad you're enjoying the blog, and we appreciate you recommending to your friends.

By: Lisa Dungate

Lisa Dungate — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:22:00 +0000

Heila, one book I've found very helpful in terms of questioning my own thinking is Byron Katie's "Loving What Is."Her website is also full of free downloads and helpful resources: http://www.thework.com/index.php

By: Lisa Dungate

Lisa Dungate — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:08:00 +0000

Thanks Heila for posing such an important question as a parent: "How do I support my child to be who they truly are, to express themselves authentically in this world–and have the social courage it often takes to do so–even when it triggers our own childhood pain or fear?"It is important, in my personal and professional experience working with parents and their children, that we not project our fears onto our children.Just because we experienced others judgments growing up, doesn't mean our children will…or even that they will notice or care about others' judgments if they do come their way.Challenge those fearful thoughts with questions like:"Is it really true that my daughter is different than others?Is it true that she is suffering even if she is different from her peers?""What if she is different?"Explore your fearful thinking to help defuse its power over you.This can take some emotional and intellectual courage on your part–so be gentle with yourself as you bring consciousness to your parenting and compassion for your childhood self. :)Delight in your daughter's self expression, and consider her your teacher, too, about exciting ways to look at the world and even become more playful with how you dress, express yourself, or otherwise explore this wonderful world with her by your side.Read stories of young heroines (check out Jennifer's bookshelf on Lionswhiskers.com for some good suggestions) that were plucky, funky, brave, and bold who faced down social/peer pressure ultimately proving the heroine in her own story and even admired by others!I'm thinking of Eloise, Hermione Granger, Belle, and many others. The pressures to conform can be mighty, but with love of self and surrounded by the love of family and friends, we are powerful in our authentic self-expression.Trust that life challenges (not that anyone would ever wish social exclusion on a child!) build our character, our insight, compassion, and ultimately our resilience in life.We can't always protect our children from life's difficulties or even tragedies, nor should we live in fear of them.But we can empower our children, offer them opportunities to develop their moral, emotional, social, intellectual, physical, and spiritual courage in order to be better prepared to face and understand what life may have to teach them.In fact, when children don't have such courage workout opportunities, research shows that they are ill-prepared for when life really gets tough.What a gift you are to your child, that you are courageous enough to question your life experiences, what you can learn from them, and how to support your child in her own authentic self-expression (sometimes we need to get out of their way and trust them and their resilience–something my own children have shown me many times).It isn't a problem often, until we make it a problem.I wish you much joy and peace of mind on this journey!Thank you for posing such a thought-provoking question. Let me know if any of what I've shared in response proves helpful!?

By: Heila

Heila — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:39:00 +0000

I am struggling with the aspect of allowing a child to develop a personal style.Intellectually I know that it should not matter what you wear, or how you cut your hair, as long as you feel comfortable in your skin.However I felt awkward in my own skin for a large part of my life, the kid who didn't fit it because she had very short cut hair, didn't like to wear dresses, didn't learn to put on make up when her peers were doing those things.My daughter has dress sense which is frankly a bit weird… she thinks she looks "fancy" in close that none of her friends would wear.I should be happy for her right?But I'm worried that because she is already a bit different in other ways as well, she will end up feeling as socially awkward as I did for most of my school days and beyond.Help me find a better way to think about this?

By: Eleanor Stanton

Eleanor Stanton — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 12:02:00 +0000

In our church's youth group, we spend most of our time helping the group members (middle school through high school) build their relationship skills.We help them practice listening with an open mind, disagreeing with a civil and friendly tone, trusting and being trustworthy, etc.In other words, we try to help them build a sense of community.

Social courage is hard to build when young people feel defensive... and our schools can seem like war zones to many of them.Funny how courage builds though... first they have one friend in group, then another, this makes them brave enough to risk going on a trip with the group, and by the next year the shy one who never spoke up is leading the others in an activity.

I never get tired of seeing it manifest or watching it build step-by-step.

Courage can sound like a solitary endeavor, but I believe that much of it comes from our sense of community.We've all heard of people who won't stand up for themselves but will for a friend or loved one.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 05:31:00 +0000

Thank you Lisa for your reply.Yes, I fully agree that although personality maybe genetically driven, we as parents, have an enormous influence on our children by providing them with unconditional love and security and providing the kinds of opportunities where they can flourish.I believe this holds true for my daughter.

By: Lisa Dungate

Lisa Dungate — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 01:57:00 +0000

One other note, as I wanted to specifically address anonymous #1's comment on Feb. 15th. Your insight regarding the differences between children in manifesting courage–even within the same family, siblings with the same parents, is brilliant.Our research is showing that courage development is a complex interplay of, once again, nature and nurture.The kind of tenacity of personality that your talented daughter possesses may well be related to the fact that much of personality and intelligence is inborn, thus genetically driven.That said, parents/caregivers also have enormous influence on children through loving, 'secure attachment' and providing the kind of opportunities, thus strengthening 'openness to experience' which is strongly correlated with leadership development. I will be writing much more on the relationship that nature and nurture have on courage development.Keep reading, and keep sending in your thoughtful comments.The more parents that share, the clearer our understanding of this complex nature-nurture relationship and its bearing on our children's capacity for courage.

By: Lisa Dungate

Lisa Dungate — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 01:42:00 +0000

Many thanks dear readers for already bravely engaging the topic of social courage!We appreciate your poem, your questioning of what courage means to you, highlighting the specific stages of social courage development through community outreach, and the real-life example of how to coach kids to march to the beat of their own drum!Keep the comments coming!We love to hear your wisdom and experience coaching social courage in children.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 08:29:00 +0000

Hi Ladies – it's Jenn's Annonymous again 🙂 … I like all of what you posted as looks like and sounds like for "social courage".Honestly,I did many of those and encouraged, begged, threatened and coddled my kids way back when to do so as well (not really threatened, but we all know that) – I remember one time my daughter coming home from school upset because someone teased her about how she put her hair up. I asked her how the other girls would have rather she do her hair.She shrugged and said something like "probably like theirs".When I asked her if that was what she wanted, she struggled a bit. She wanted to look like the other girls in order to fit in, but she did not want to cut her hair, or spend hours "doing" something to it every morning, etc.So I said to her "There are leaders and there are followers in this world" "This includes governments, countries and fashion runways" soo, why not just continue to do what you do with your hair, and in a month or so, look to see howmany girls figured out that your way is so much more comfortable and less time consuming.She did, and to this day, she still wears hairbands like bracelets, so she can "throw her hair up in a bun/ponytail" – and she's 26 !!!My son also makes his own style, not following others (not nearly as much) and when his friends are all rappin', he will put out Frank Sinatra – I love that about my kids.